


I'm a Fool to Want You

by DisneyFanatic2364



Series: A Marriage of Inconvenience [4]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Acephobia, Alastor is Bad at Feelings (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor is in Hell for a Reason (Hazbin Hotel), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Cannibalism, Canon Asexual Character, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Female Character, Canon LGBTQ Male Character, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Demons, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Female Character of Color, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hell, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Male-Female Friendship, Marriage of Convenience, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Older Man/Younger Woman, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Period-Typical Racism, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Kissing, Platonic Life Partners, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Romance, Platonic Soulmates, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queerplatonic Relationships, Racism, Secret Marriage, Secret Relationship, Separations, Sexual Humor, Soft Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Songfic, Swearing, Trauma, Wooing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 43,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisneyFanatic2364/pseuds/DisneyFanatic2364
Summary: Direct sequel to "Let's Fall in Love."A club owner called the Songbat offers her services to the Hazbin Hotel, as well as some potential guests. But things become complicated when it's discovered that she and Alastor have a history. They haven't seen each other in ten years, but Alastor is determined to win his wife back no matter what.
Relationships: Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Original Character(s), Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Original Female Character(s), Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Series: A Marriage of Inconvenience [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111838
Comments: 44
Kudos: 92





	1. The Second Time Around

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I said I'd write this, and I shall! If you want the full backstory to this fanfic universe, read these other fics in this order:
> 
> "Let's Fall in Love"
> 
> "As Time Goes By"
> 
> "My Funny Valentine"
> 
> However, this can also be read first and the others later as prequels. Not sure how much I'll be updating given how unpredictable this past year has been.
> 
> Since we've only had the pilot, the "Addict" music video, and a few "Helluva Boss" episodes, I'll be filling in the blanks on characters and this world through speculation, keeping some of the things said in cast livestreams in mind.
> 
> Yes, Alastor is still asexual in this fic, and I'll be writing as someone who is also asexual but romantic.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own "Hazbin Hotel," as that belongs to Vivziepop. None of this is to be considered canon in any way.

The last thing Angel Dust expected to hear as he came down to the hotel lobby that evening was the front desk bell ringing. In the five weeks he'd been crashing here, that bell hadn't rung once.

Perhaps Niffty was polishing it. Or Husk was ringing it in a drunken state. Or Alastor was pulling a prank on Charlie, getting her hopes up that there was an actual guest at the hotel, only to dash them when she saw that wasn't the case. What other explanation could there be?

But the demon sitting at the front desk was _not_ someone he knew.

Angel Dust stopped in his tracks. "Shit, someone actually showed up?"

The demon, or rather demon _ess_ , turned to him. She was a bat. He could tell by the ears, and the black leather wings sticking out of her back. She was covered head to toe in golden-brown fur, a shade that almost made her look human.

Her purple stilettos had heels as sharp as knives. Her purple halter dress hugged curves that Angel could tell a corset didn't make, which he envied. The skirt only just met her knees, a small slit allowing the right leg some freedom. The back of her dress was open to allow room for her wings, the neckline plunging. A shiny, oval-cut, amethyst broach shielded her cleavage from view.

 _She must really like purple_. It made sense, given the color of her eyes.

Her black hair was bobbed, two musical G-clef barrettes pinning it back. At the very top was a purple bowknot bowler hat, a white ribbon with a purple musical note pattern tied around it in a bow.

All in all, she looked classy. Even if the hat was a bit out of style.

The bat readjusted the strap of her brown leather satchel as she smiled at the spider. "Excuse me, do ya work here?"

She had a Southeast American accent. Angel wondered if she was from Louisiana like Alastor.

But that question was _not_ his priority. He huffed and gestured to his body with four arms.

"Do I _look_ like I work in this dump?"

The bat sized him up. Angel was dressed for clubbing, wearing a black lace corset, pink platform boots and matching gloves.

"Ya seriously want me to answer that?" she retorted.

Angel gasped, putting his upper hands to his chest. "Don't ya know who I _am_?"

"Well, ya haven't exactly introduced yourself."

He used one hand to smooth out his hair, placed one on his hip, and two to flaunt his chest fluff. "Angel Dust?"

"No, thanks." She waved her hand. "More into good old hard liquor, ya know? Speakin' of." She hit the bell again. "There a bartender here or what?"

Angel pulled at his hair with one hand and smacked his face with another. "Not the _drug_! The porn star!"

"Don't do that either." She shamelessly pointed downward. "Vibrator's enough, thank ya very much."

He rolled his eyes. "And what are _you_ supposed to be? Some kind of comic?"

"Formerly." She shrugged. "Some habits are hard to break. Not to sound like a Karen, but is the manager here?"

With an annoyed groan, Angel turned around and cupped his mouth with two hands as he called up the stairs. "Charlie! Vaggie! There's some smart-mouth bat lady here, wants to talk to ya!"

He turned back to find the bat staring at his outfit. "What?"

"Nothing." She looked him over again. "Just thought this was a hotel for redemption, not a whorehouse."

Angel narrowed his eyes and turned back to the stairs. "Charlie! This bitch is judgin' me for no goddamn reason! Even though her brooch is too big for her boobs!"

The bat scoffed. "Could say the same 'bout that corset bein' too tight for _yours_."

He put his lower hands on his hips as he faced her again. "Now _that's_ just goin' too far!"

"Sorry, ma'am, but you started it."

" _Excuse_ me!" He crossed his upper arms. "I'm a _guy_!"

"Whoops." She held up her hands. " _Really_ sorry. Should've pegged ya for a guy with your obvious lack of manners and poor taste in clothin'."

Angel was fuming now. "Charlie! Smiles! Somebody get down here before I bitch-slap this broad into next week!"

The bat widened her grin and flicked her wrist, revealing her sharp claws. "Say that again?"

Before Angel could even raise a fist, Charlie came running down the stairs with a giddy gait.

"Oh, hello!" The Princess of Hell waved. "So sorry for the wait. I didn't hear you knock."

"Why would I knock?" The bat tilted her head. "This is a hotel, ain't it?"

"Oh." Charlie paused at the bottom of the stairs and blushed. "Right. Anyway, I hope you weren't waiting too long."

"Nah." The bat glanced at Angel. "I was just makin' conversation with your exotic dancer here."

Being called such a sophisticated term put out the flames of Angel's rage. He smirked and smoothed out the hair on all parts of his body.

"I suppose he… _is_ an exotic dancer of sorts," Charlie said with a smile, "but he's actually a guest here. Anyway, hi! Welcome to the Happy Hotel!"

The bat jerked her thumb towards the door. "Sign out front says _Hazbin_ Hotel?"

"Right." Charlie tapped her fingers together. "We, uh, recently rebranded, sorry." She held out her hand. "I'm Charlie."

The bat matched the princess's smile as she stood and shook her hand. "Pleased to meet ya, Your Highness. I'm Tina Twinkle, but folks round here know me better as the Songbat."

Angel Dust was surprised to see how short the bat was, about six inches less than the Princess of Hell. She certainly talked big for someone so small.

"Oh, of course!" Charlie clapped her hands. "We spoke on the phone! You own that nightclub, right?"

"Yup. The Reckoning." Tina frowned. "At least I _did_ , before it got blown to smithereens in that turf war tween that Kingpin cobra and that grenade girl."

Angel Dust whistled casually and pretended to be interested in a crack in the ceiling. Charlie forced a laugh.

"Well, let's talk in my office. I'll get my partners."

Charlie put a hand on Tina's back and led the way. The princess squinted at the bat's face.

"By the way, Tina, have we met before?"

"Not formally," Tina said. "But I am acquainted with your dad."

"Oh, really? How?"

"He tried to make a deal with me involvin' seducin' an Overlord and preventin' a hostile takeover of Hell."

Charlie's smile faltered.

"Funny story. Tell ya 'bout it later."

As soon as the ladies disappeared, Husk came out of the door behind the bar, cradling his head. Angel licked his palms and quickly smoothed back his hair.

"Hey," Angel said, pressing his body against the counter. "Where _you_ been all evenin' Husky?"

"Passed out in the back." The cat rubbed his temples. "The fuck was all that yelling about?"

"Oh, this bat girl with a badass attitude came waltzin' in and started talkin' shit about my outfit. But she also called me an exotic dancer, so I guess she's cool."

Husk's eyes snapped open. "What bat girl?"

Angel shrugged. "Some club owner who wants to do business with Charlie or something." He tapped his chin. "Let's see, what was her name? Uh, Tiffany Twirly? Tia Twitter?"

"Tina Twinkle?"

"Yeah, that's it!" Angel raised an eyebrow. "How'd _you_ know?"

"Aw, shit!" Husk glanced around anxiously. "Where's she now?!"

"Charlie just took her to her office—"

"That idiot!" Husk facepalmed. "It's only a matter of time now!"

"You okay, Husky? You look pretty tense." Angel smirked and leaned forward. "Ya need a massage?"

Husk ignored the seductive spider and grabbed the nearest bottle of booze. He was going to need it for the shitstorm that was about to hit the fan.

* * *

"So, let me get this straight," Vaggie said, putting her hands together. "You wanna merge your business with ours?"

Tina nodded. She sat with her ankles crossed on the opposite side of the desk. Charlie sat in a big, red, cushioned chair with her girlfriend standing dutifully at her side.

"Since our businesses have similar goals," Tina said, "I think we can help each other out."

Charlie's eyes widened hopefully. "You believe in redemption?"

"Eh…" Tina made a so-so sign. "In a way, yes. I'll be honest, I don't know if gettin' a demon to Heaven is possible."

"Oh." Charlie deflated.

"Only cuz it's never been done before." Tina held up a finger. "But I _do_ believe a demon can better themselves if they put their mind to it. For more personal reasons than divine."

Vaggie crossed her arms. She wasn't sure what to make of the Songbat yet, as she hadn't heard of her. Tina _looked_ harmless with that sweet face, gentle smile and composed demeanor. But looks could be deceiving, especially in Hell. And the _last_ demon who'd come to them with a business proposal hadn't exactly been trustworthy.

"This isn't some kind of prank, is it?"

"Vaggie!" Charlie put a hand on her shoulder.

"No, it's fine, I get that a lot." Tina folded her hands neatly in her lap. "See, before The Reckoning was…destroyed, I saw it as more of an unofficial crisis center than a club. The demons I hired to work there were troubled souls. Runnin' from abusive relationships, lost their homes in turf wars, hidin' from Overlords they'd pissed off. Some of 'em were minor sinners who didn't have much power. Former pickpockets, drug addicts, suicides, the occasional rebel teen. I offered 'em shelter and protection, they provided work."

Vaggie narrowed her eyes. "What _kind_ of work?"

Tina held up a hand. "It was no strip club, if that's what you're thinkin'. The entertainment we provided was tasteful." She rolled her wrist. "Maybe _some_ girls liked to show off a little skin, but nothin' too raunchy. Those who weren't much for entertainin' would work as servers, bartenders, bouncers, accountants, whatever their skillset.

"But I don't just hire anybody off the street, mind you. I have each of my employees sign a contract promisin' to be on their best behavior." She listed sins off her fingers. "No drugs, no brawls, that sort of thing. At least while workin' under my roof, that is. What they do in their private lives is _their_ business."

Vaggie's eyebrows shot up. "And that _works_?"

"You'd be surprised what some demons down here are willin' to do to avoid gettin' mixed up with wackos like Valentino and Vox." Tina cringed a moment. "My offers for employment are considered to be _more_ than fair. The pay's not bad either."

Vaggie was still wary. "What'd you do to get down here?"

"Vaggie, don't be rude!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Well she can't be _that_ reasonable if she ended up in Hell!"

"No, it's perfectly fine." Tina shifted in her seat. "I killed my boss who I was havin' an affair with. But it was in self-defense."

"Right," Vaggie said, not taking her gaze off her.

"But I'm not here for me. Since our neighborhood blew up, I need a new place to house my employees. I figured since y'all are lookin' for sinners to rehabilitate, I can refer 'em here. Course, it'll be _their_ choice whether to come or not."

Charlie and Vaggie exchanged a look.

"How many sinners are we talking here?" Vaggie asked.

"Oh, about…" Tina took a moment to count on her fingers. "A hundred and fifty, give or take."

Charlie's and Vaggie's jaws dropped. Was she serious?

"Given how used they were to livin' under my rules," Tina went on, "I'm sure they could be the perfect guinea pigs for this experiment of yours. Some might be willin' to earn their keep, seein' as y'all _clearly_ need some staff around here."

She saw that they were still too stunned to speak. "Course, if y'all aren't prepared to take that many guests at once—"

"No!" Charlie jumped up. "I mean yes! We'll do it!"

"Charlie, wait." Vaggie sat her back down. "Let's consider this carefully."

"She's right," Tina said. "I _did_ just come at ya out of the blue with this." She looked between the hotel managers. "Besides, didn't ya say ya had _two_ partners, Your Highness? Shouldn't ya take it up with 'em?"

Charlie rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, he's, uh…he's…"

"Not very reliable," Vaggie said bluntly. "And he's been moping like a baby all day. Every time we try to bring it up, he yells at us not to bother him until tomorrow."

Tina snorted. "Men, am I right?"

"But she's got a point, Vaggie." Charlie turned her chair towards her girlfriend. "Shouldn't we wait for—?"

"Honestly," Vaggie whispered, "he'll just find a way to sabotage our plans. Or scare her away before she can get a word in."

"Whoever this guy is," Tina said, flashing her tiny vampire fangs, "he should know I don't scare easily."

Vaggie looked the bat over again. "It _sounds_ like a good plan, but a little _too_ good to be true."

"I've drafted a contract." Tina reached into her satchel and pulled out a manilla folder. "Feel free to look it over and make any amendments of your own."

Charlie opened up the folder and she and Vaggie skimmed it over together. The contract dictated that any demons to take up employment at the Hazbin Hotel, under Tina Twinkle's referral, were obligated to refrain from any sinful activity including, but not limited to, a ban on drug use, a limit of two alcoholic drinks an hour, no stabbing, dismembering, exploding, pickpocketing, skinny-dipping…

Charlie flipped through ten more pages. "This is a very… _thorough_ list."

Tina crossed her arms with a smirk. "I'm a very thorough person. I can also provide ya with each employee's file on request. I always run a background check on their sins to make sure they're not psychopathic killers or something."

"Hey." Charlie stopped on the eleventh page. "What's this 'three strikes policy?'"

"Oh, I believe in second chances," Tina said firmly, "but in the event one of my employees violates their contract three times, like I catch 'em wasted or punchin' a guest more than twice, they're out." She jerked her thumb behind her. "Contract's null and void. No exceptions."

Charlie frowned. "That seems a bit…harsh."

"No, no." Vaggie waved her hands. "Angel Dust might actually _behave_ better if he knew there were consequences!"

Charlie cringed as she examined the rest of the contract. "I'm still not sure."

"Tell ya what." Tina stood. "Y'all take me and my employees on for a thirty-day trial period. If it doesn't work out, at least I'll have the time to make other arrangements. If it _does_ … Well, who knows?" She spread out her wings. "Maybe some of us _will_ make it to Heaven."

Vaggie's suspicion slowly turned into admiration. "You're good."

Tina shrugged. " _One_ thing I learned from my ex-husband was how to do proper business."

Vaggie leaned down and pulled her girlfriend in close. "Charlie, we've never gotten an offer like this! I mean," she lowered her voice, "a hundred and fifty potential patients? And already relatively well-behaved!"

Charlie nodded. "It _could_ actually work."

"And even if _these_ sinners don't work out, the hotel will still get more attention!"

Tina's grin widened as she held out her hand. "So, we have a _deal_ then, Your Highness?"

As soon as she said this, the room grew dark. The only source of light was the purple glow from the Songbat's outstretched hand. A string of purple musical notes, accompanied by some haunting piano music, swirled around her face, illuminating her fanged smile and violet eyes.

And just like that, her innocent image was shattered.

"Whoa, whoa there!" Vaggie slammed her hands down on the desk. "You didn't say _anything_ about being a dealmaker!"

The atmosphere returned to normal as Tina retracted her head, wearing a look of confusion. "Isn't dealmakin' necessary in the business world?"

Vaggie pointed at her. "A contract's not the same as a demon deal, and you know it!"

The Songbat looked between the hotel managers. The moth demon's distrust was back, and the Princess was smiling nervously.

"Sorry." Tina put down her hand entirely. "Didn't realize that would make y'all uncomfortable. The handshake's mostly a precaution, to ensure that my employees don't go back on their word." She flexed her fingers. "Much more bindin' than a piece of paper. But…"

She calmly sat back down. "Since y'all seem to be less morally askew than what I'm used to, I suppose I _could_ trust y'all enough to just sign the contract."

Charlie glanced at Vaggie, who shrugged.

"Absolutely!" Just as Charlie was picking up her pen, she looked at the three blank lines reserved for all the hotel managers' signatures and frowned. "Oh, but, uh…we can't sign any contracts without Alastor."

A small squeak emitted from Tina's throat as she stiffened. "Alastor?"

"Yeah, the Radio Demon's our third partner." Vaggie rolled her eyes. "Unfortunately."

"He's been in a bit of a mood today," Charlie said. "We can go get him right now and—"

Tina snatched up the contract. "On second thought, this probably won't work out after all."

Charlie stood. "What? Why?"

Tina didn't bother organizing the papers as she stuffed them into her satchel. "I can't work alongside the Radio Demon."

"Ugh!" Vaggie facepalmed. "I _told_ you taking him on would scare our guests away!"

"Sorry to have wasted your time." Tina sprang up and bowed. "Good day, Your Highness."

"Wait!" Charlie chased after her. "Alastor may _look_ scary, but he's not so bad once you get to know him! And he's helped _so_ _much_ with the hotel so far!"

Tina huffed as she threw open the door. "Al believin' in redemption? Yeah, right."

Vaggie tilted her head. "Al?"

"Come on, Miss Twinkle!" Charlie followed the Songbat into the lobby. "You said so yourself that redemption is possible!"

Tina gritted her teeth. "Not for _that_ son of a—Husk?"

She stopped when she saw the cat demon at the front desk, holding a bottle in his paw. Angel Dust turned on his stool to see what the commotion was all about.

"Is that you, Husk?" Tina approached the bar.

Husk looked up at her and snorted. "I can't believe it. You _really_ showed up." He raised his bottle. "Al know you're here yet?"

"No." She pointed a finger. "And ya _better_ not tell him, or I'll—"

"Hello, Tina."

She felt the radio static on her skin before she heard his voice. Tina winced and sighed before turning on her heel to face him.

There Alastor stood, at the bottom of the steps. He looked just the same as always, in those polished tap shoes, that tattered but elegant waistcoat, that microphone staff propped behind his back, and that perpetual Cheshire Cat grin. His eyes glowed warmly as they raked over her figure.

"It's been a while, _ma petite chauve-souris_."

Vaggie stepped into the lobby, whipping out her spear. If the Songbat was afraid of the Radio Demon, Vaggie was ready to prevent him from trying anything funny.

But there wasn't a trace of fear in Tina's expression. The minute her eyes met Alastor's, they narrowed into a scowl. She stomped over to the Radio Demon, her wings fanned out and her fists clutched at her sides.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here?!"

There was a twinge of amusement in Alastor's smile. "I'm manager of this hotel. What are _you_ doing here?"

Tina pulled on the strap of her bag. " _Leavin'_ , apparently."

Before she could take a step, Alastor grabbed her wrist. "Oh, but dear, I thought you were looking for housing for your beloved employees."

"How did you—?" Tina shook off her surprise and wrenched her arm back. "You've been spyin' on me again, haven't ya? Who told ya this time, Chesterfield?"

He tilted his head. "How _else_ was I to know what you were up to? You never call."

She scoffed. "Even if I _wanted_ to, ya don't even have a hell phone! Just that old rotary-dial thing no one knows how to use anymore!"

Alastor bent down to her level. "It's an antique!"

She turned her nose up. "It's outdated, Al!"

Everyone looked back and forth between the Radio Demon and the Songbat. It was weird seeing someone so small, hardly bigger than Vaggie, talk so boldly to someone so tall. Especially when it was someone as intimidating as Alastor. She didn't even back herself up with a weapon, just glared at him coldly.

But even while shouting, Alastor didn't seem infuriated by Tina's insults. He looked down at her with a half-lidded gaze that was almost…gentle.

They bickered as if the others weren't even there. And they addressed each other so informally.

"Do you two," Charlie said, pointing between them, "know each other?"

"Know each other? Ha-ha-ha!" Alastor replied without taking his eyes off Tina. "We've only been married for twenty years!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When coming up with Tina's personality and look, it was sort of a blend of Eartha Kitt, Mrs. Maisel, Betty Boop and Alice Angel. You'll find the explanation of why she's a bat in "Let's Fall in Love."


	2. It Had to Be You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Hazbin Hotel gang find themselves in the middle of a lovers' tiff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'll notice, all the chapter titles are named after songs. I'd recommend looking them up as they come.

Angel Dust tumbled off his stool. Vaggie dropped her spear. Charlie's mouth fell open. Husk just went on drinking his bottle.

"You're… _married_?" Charlie said.

" _Were_ married," Tina said, still glaring at Alastor.

" _Still_ married." Alastor held up his hand, showing off the black wedding ring on his finger.

Angel sat up on the floor, extending his upper arms. "Where the fuck's he been hidin' _that_ thing?"

"Only cuz _apparently_ ," Tina said, pushing Alastor's hand away, "they don't _do_ divorce down here! Ironically!"

"Did I not mention that when I proposed?" Alastor asked innocently.

She crossed her arms. "As far as _I'm_ concerned, our marriage has been over for ten years!"

"Not in the eyes of Satan. Which reminds me!" He snapped his fingers. "Happy Anniversary!"

A pair of purple loafers appeared in Alastor's hands. He held them out to her expectantly. Angel Dust, Charlie and Vaggie all shared a look.

Tina grabbed the shoes and tossed them over her shoulder. "What game are ya playin' here? Since when do _you_ believe in redemption?"

"To be frank, dear, _you_ inspired me!" Alastor booped her nose, making her growl. "You're always trying to pointlessly better yourself and other demons, I simply _had_ to try it myself!"

"Uh-huh." She placed a hand on her hip. "And I suppose it's just a coincidence ya got involved in this kind of work the same time my business literally blows up?"

He hummed. "I won't deny that I caught wind of the tragedy."

"You're kiddin'." Her shoulders tensed. "Is this all some kind of convoluted plan to win me back?"

"Not _everything's_ about you, darling." Alastor wagged his finger and tsked. "So narcissistic."

" _You're_ one to talk, Great Prince of the Forest!"

"I don't know what this whole thing is," Angel Dust said, smiling as he stood back up, "but I'm _lovin'_ it."

"Wait, wait, wait." Vaggie held up her hands. "Back up. You've had a _wife_ this whole time?"

"Of course!" Alastor said. "Weren't you listening, Vagatha?"

"How'd we not know about this?"

"Actually, now that I think about it," Charlie said, tapping her fingers together, "my dad _did_ say something about officiating the Radio Demon's wedding some decades ago. But I didn't know Alastor then, much less his wife. And Al, you've never really talked about her before, so I assumed that something may have, uh…that maybe she'd been, uh…"

"Exterminated? Ha-ha-ha!" Alastor patted Tina on the head. "As if I would let a blasted angel harm a hair on my wife's pretty little head!"

Tina stepped back from him. "Don't touch me!"

"He did mention a wife to _me_ ," Angel said, leaning against the bar. "I thought he was just makin' excuses not to fuck me."

Husk snorted. "Yeah, _that's_ why."

Angel put his lower hands on his hips, slamming his other two on the counter. "And just what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Tina and Alastor went on with their argument as if they hadn't been interrupted.

"You just can't keep your goddamn pointy nose outta my fuckin' business, can ya?" Tina folded her arms and turned her back to him.

"Sweetheart." Alastor placed his hands on her shoulders. "Your business has been mine from the moment we said 'I do.'"

She shrugged him off. "That's it, I'm outta here."

Tina stomped towards the exit.

"Wait!" Charlie ran after her. "You can't leave! What about all those sinners you wanted redeemed?"

"Nope! Not if it means movin' back in with _that_ creep!"

Before Tina could reach the knob, Alastor teleported in front of her, wearing a smug grin.

"So, you're going to leave a hundred fifty demons utterly homeless?" He leaned in close enough for their noses to touch. "And I thought you _didn't_ want to be a selfish person, darling. Or are you going to abandon all those charges of yours out in the cold, alone, helpless, no one to care for them?" Static buzzed around them both. "Not because you aren't able to, but to keep your own, stubborn pride intact?"

Alastor's words cut through Tina's heart like a knife. He had gone _much_ too far.

She snarled, her fangs and claws sharpening as she grew. When she next blinked, her eyes went pitch black.

" _You_ ," she said in a deep, demonic voice, " _fuckin'_ ," she was now two feet taller than Alastor, " _BASTARD!_ "

"Oh shit," Charlie said.

"Ooh, hoo, hoo!" Angel clapped his upper hands excitedly, pulling out his phone to take a video. "This is gonna be sweet!"

Vaggie picked up her spear, ready to intervene. There was no doubt the Radio Demon was going to fight back or pull some kind of Vodou trick. He didn't respond to threats lightly.

Then Alastor surprised them once again. He grabbed Tina's fuming face and pressed his lips to hers.

Angel, Vaggie and Charlie gaped. The Radio Demon, who rejected even the slightest touch of affection, was actually _kissing_ someone.

The kiss only lasted a second. The moment their lips disconnected with a _mwah_ , Tina's demon form deflated. She blinked up at Alastor as he continued to hold her face.

"Ah, Tina," he whispered, pressing his forehead to hers. "You're even lovelier than the day I first laid eyes on you."

Tina slapped Alastor so hard, his head spun a hundred eighty degrees. Angel covered his mouth to keep himself from laughing. The recording was still going.

"Oh, ho!" Alastor used one finger to twist his head back into position. "Stronger too!"

"To think I was gonna go to a boring old club and miss out on _this_ action," Angel whispered to Husk. "Who'd've thought the Radio Demon had a masochist kink?"

"Turn that video off!" Vaggie swiped the phone from him. "The last thing we need is more bad publicity!"

"Hey, hey!" Charlie stepped between the couple. "Let's just calm down and talk this out, okay?"

"Oh, I've been calm through this entire ordeal, Charlie!" Alastor smirked at Tina. " _She's_ the one who can't seem to _let go_ of anything but her manners!"

Tina flapped her wings and hissed.

"Okay, _clearly_ ," Charlie said, holding up her hands to separate them, "you two have some, err, _issues_ to work out. So! Tina." She clasped her hands together and pointed to the Songbat. "You want to partner with the hotel so that your displaced employees can have a home, right?"

Keeping her glare on Alastor, Tina lowered herself to the floor. "Right."

"And Al," Charlie said, pointing to the Radio Demon, "you want to help with the hotel for…" She glanced between him and Tina. "Reasons. So…why don't we come to some sort of agreement?"

"With _him_?" Tina folded her arms and turned away with a huff. "Been there, done that."

Alastor narrowed his eyes and matched her pose. "At least _I_ know how to _keep_ an agreement."

"I haven't broken _one_ fuckin' rule!"

"Oh, really? 'To have and to hold, for better or worse, in sickness and in health?'"

"That was _not_ part of our vows, and you know it!"

Now Alastor had his back to her. "I had thought it obvious when you accepted my ring!"

"You're puttin' the whole thing out of order, Al!"

"Hey, come on!" Charlie tried to sound chipper. "Can't we work this out? You at least agree that you both wanna help with hotel, right?"

"Charlie," Vaggie said, curling her finger, "can I talk to you for a sec?"

Charlie took one more look at the couple facing away from each other. "Excuse me."

The Princess went over to her girlfriend, who pulled her into the farthest corner of the lobby.

"I know it's in your nature to wanna try and fix everything and everybody," Vaggie whispered, "but you shouldn't get involved in other people's marriage problems."

"Why not?" Charlie said. "This whole project is about second chances, isn't it? And if they both wanna help, isn't this a sign they should give their marriage a second chance? I mean _look_ at them."

She gestured to the couple. Though they still had their backs to each other, Alastor was stealing a glance at Tina out of the corner of his eye. Tina, meanwhile, was looking downward, closing her hand around her amethyst brooch. She then glanced back at him and he quickly flitted his eyes forward.

"They may be going through a rough patch," Charlie said, "but it's obvious they're still into each other. My parents get into fights all the time and sometimes go _weeks_ without talking to each other. But they always manage to work things out in the end."

"It's not our place to decide that, hon," Vaggie said, taking her by the shoulders. "If she doesn't wanna get back together with him, I say good for her. He's not exactly 'loving husband' material, is he?"

"We don't know that. You see how happy he is to see her? And he _must_ love her if he doesn't show interest in anyone else. Besides, I thought you _wanted_ us to take Tina's deal."

"Yes, but…" Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's gonna be a problem if those two are bickering all the time."

"But it's a hundred and fifty possible redeemed sinners! How can we pass up an opportunity like this?"

"In that case," Vaggie said, jerking her thumb at the couple, "if the Songbat's in, the Radio Demon's out."

"Vaggie, we can't do that. Al has done so much for this hotel."

"Has he? So far, all he's done is clean the place up a bit and bring in two staff members. If you ask me, the Songbat's plan is way more concrete."

"But we can't just turn Al away. He protects the hotel, remember? And besides," Charlie lowered her voice, "maybe, just maybe, patching things up with his wife is just what he needs to redeem _himself_."

Vaggie bit her lip. "That's…a bit of a stretch, hon. Loving one person doesn't erase all the sins he's committed on thousands of others."

Charlie smirked and booped her nose. "Even _your_ sins?"

The moth demon grunted. "That's not fair."

"We can at least _try_. Tina suggested a thirty-day trial period, didn't she? If she doesn't sort things out with Al by then, we'll at least get some new people in here."

"Ya know we can hear every word y'all are sayin', right?"

Vaggie and Charlie turned to the Songbat with wide eyes. She pointed to her ears.

"Bats have pretty strong hearin'."

Alastor chuckled. "Seems the Princess takes after her father when it comes to meddling in romantic affairs."

Vaggie and Charlie blushed heavily. Angel Dust burst out laughing, clutching his stomach with his lower hands and pointing at the embarrassed ladies with an upper hand.

"Fine." Charlie straightened up. "If you heard all that, then you'll know we're willing to collaborate with both of you, if you'll set your differences aside for the sake of this hotel."

" _I_ have no qualms with us working together." Alastor turned to Tina. "It'll be like old times, _n'est-ce pas,_ _ma petite amie_?"

Tina huffed. "I am _not_ gettin' back together with you."

"No says you have to," Vaggie said. "But Charlie has a point. You _both_ have much to offer the hotel." She darted her eyes at Alastor. "Barely."

"Like you said, Miss Twinkle," Charlie said, "we'll start with a thirty-day trial period. _Then_ you can decide whether this will work out or not."

"Your employees are desperate for shelter, darling," Alastor said, showing his teeth. "What choice do you have?"

Tina glanced back at her husband and then at the other managers. It was true, she'd been searching for a way to either restore her club or find a new place for her employees. Construction workers in Hell charged too much and proved to be too slow due to frequent lunch breaks. For the last three weeks, she and her employees have been squatting in the wreckage of what was once their home. Some had moved on, but others didn't want to risk dealing with a more dangerous employer.

She thought of all those former sex workers. If she didn't provide for them soon, they'd be crawling to that sleazebag Valentino. It hadn't been easy getting them out of their previous contracts. There'd be no helping them if they fell back into his clutches.

Sighing, Tina faced her husband. "Fine. But I won't be takin' any handshakes from _you_. We're signin' a good old-fashioned contract."

Alastor clapped his hands, accompanied by an applause track. "Oh, I'm _so_ glad you've come to your senses, my dear!"

He opened his arms to embrace her.

"Wait!" She held up a hand. "You and I will be _colleagues_. Nothin' more. For thirty days. Soon as my employees are settled, I'm out."

Alastor put down his arms and widened his grin. "If that is your wish, my dear."

"Perfect!" Charlie hooked her arms around both their necks. "Let's go sign some paperwork then!"

As they followed her into the office, Alastor's eyes glowed with delight.

 _Thirty days_. That was _more_ than enough time to win back the heart of his beloved.

He knew this hotel had been a good investment.

* * *

Reluctantly, Tina agreed to stay for dinner. It was getting late and she hadn't had a decent meal in weeks. Charlie and Vaggie also wanted to discuss a few more details on how many rooms they would have to prepare and how many of Tina's employees were interested in being guests or staff.

Then she found out _Alastor_ was cooking.

"Why him?" Tina asked Charlie.

She shrugged. "He's the best cook we have."

Tina rolled her eyes. "Luckily, I've got more kitchen staff in line."

There was a loud gasp behind them. "Mrs. Tina!"

Niffty dashed into the dining room like a bullet and flung her arms around Tina's waist. "Oh my gosh! It's been _so_ long since I've seen you I was worried you might've been exterminated or something! How are you? Oh you look so lovely! Have you seen Al yet cuz he's been worried _sick_ about you!"

Tina laughed and patted her head. "Nice to see ya too, Niffty."

Niffty took her hands. "I'd _love_ to catch up but I have to go help Al in the kitchen but we'll talk later you're staying for dinner, right?"

She zipped through the doors to the kitchen. Tina shook her head. " _She_ hasn't changed much."

Husk slumped into the dining room, carrying a bottle. "You could've at least kept in contact with the kid. She's missed ya."

"She would've blabbed to Al." Tina crossed her arms. "Ya could've let me know he was workin' here. Would've saved me the trouble of comin'."

The cat shrugged as he sat at the table. "I didn't think you'd set foot in a dump like this."

"Yeah?" She glanced sideways at the kitchen doors. "Well, looks like Al knows me better than you do."

Tina groaned as she took a seat beside Husk and put her head in her hands. The whole reason she'd chosen to come to the hotel in the first place was so she _wouldn't_ have to resort to asking her husband for help. He would've done it, too. Rebuilt her club with a snap of her fingers, probably would've made it bigger, even. Anything to get her back.

Except for that one thing she _really_ wanted from him.

"So," Angel Dust said, sliding into the seat on the right of Tina. "You and Smiles, huh?"

"Unfortunately."

He leaned onto his upper palm and slung his lower arm over her shoulder. "What's the sex like?"

"Like an H-major chord," Tina said, lifting his arm off.

"That code for bondage or something?" Clearly, the joke hadn't landed. "Seriously, though. How big is his cock?"

She scoffed. "You're barkin' up the wrong tree."

"That big, huh? Ya sayin' I don't stand a chance?"

Tina raised an eyebrow. "Ya seriously askin' how to seduce my husband?"

She hoped Alastor hadn't heard her Freudian slip of leaving out the "ex" prefix.

"Oh, I ain't one to get mixed up in other people's marriages. Unless they pay me, of course." Angel held up his upper hands and sent her a wink. "But hey, I ain't against a threesome if you and Smiles are into that kinda shit."

"Ha!" She shook her head. "Ya think _I_ can persuade him? The only thing he'd be interested in doin' with someone as promiscuous as you is castration."

"Ouch." Angel faked a cringe as he leaned in close. "You've got spunk, babe. If you were a dude, I'd screw ya for free."

"If _you_ were a dude," Tina said, pushing his face away with a finger, "I'd kick ya in the balls. Backwards, with my _stiletto_ _heel_."

"Ooh." Angel shivered. " _Savage_ , girl. I'm startin' to see what Bambi sees in ya." He shrugged his upper arms. "If I'd known he preferred the aggressive type, I would've changed my approach ages ago. So, what's he into? Handcuffs? Whips? Knife play?" He snapped four sets of fingers and pointed at her. "Bet your Hannibal hubby gives some hella hickeys with those fangs, am I right?"

Tina rolled her eyes. "As much as I'd _love_ to satisfy your curiosity 'bout my husband's sex life, I'd rather keep my food down, thanks. But I _can_ tell ya, Sugar, if Al starts bitin' ya, that's _not_ what he has in mind."

Angel gulped at her ominous tone. "Jesus, ya have a comeback for everything, don't ya, toots?"

"Don't bother trying to win an argument with her," Husk grumbled as he chugged down his booze.

"Now how come _you_ didn't say anything about Al havin' a wife?"

"None of my business. Plus," the cat said with a smirk, "it was fun seeing ya make a fool of yourself with all your pointless flirting."

Angel's jaw dropped.

"Close that mouth, hon," Tina said. "Ya won't catch dick _that_ way."

Husk laughed as they shared a fist bump. "Hasn't been the same without ya, kid."

"Missed ya too, Husker."

Angel pouted and crossed his lower arms. "So you'll laugh at _her_ jokes but not _mine_?"

Husk pointed a claw at Tina. " _She_ doesn't _try_ to be funny."

Angel looked away, red in the face. Vaggie snickered as she took her seat across from them. She had to admit it felt satisfying seeing someone put Angel in his place. Perhaps, for once, there was someone she could finally get along with other than Charlie.

"Soup's on, everyone!" Alastor called.

The doors swung open as he and Niffty wheeled in the dining cart. Charlie clapped her hands as she sat down next to Vaggie. Alastor began pouring everyone drinks as Niffty handed out the plates. Tina stiffened when she saw the main course.

"The hell's this supposed to be?" Angel asked, poking the breadcrumb patties with his fork.

"Fried green tomatoes!" Alastor exclaimed as he poured Charlie a glass of orange juice. "They're quite popular in Alabama!"

Tina crossed her arms. Of _course_ he'd make one of her favorite dishes. It was the first thing she'd ever cooked for him.

He wasn't pulling any punches.

Alastor came round to the her side of the table with the pitcher of juice. Husk held up his bottle, so Alastor skipped him over. The corners of his mouth crept up an inch as he approached Tina. She didn't look at him as he filled her glass.

"Well?"

"Well, what?" Tina asked.

Alastor bent down to her level. "Aren't you going to ask, 'Where's the soup?'"

The question was lost on everyone except Tina, who rolled her eyes. "Where's the soup?"

"I couldn't serve it! It's _soup_ -er cold! Ha-ha-ha!"

Niffty laughed along with Alastor's laugh track. He eagerly awaited Tina's response.

"The juice is overflowin', Al."

Alastor tipped the pitcher upward. "Oopsie! Clumsy me!" He grabbed Husk's napkin to clean up the spill. "Seems I _juice_ can't catch a break today! Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

Everyone but Charlie and Niffty facepalmed. Those two politely giggled.

" _Orange_ you glad that wasn't acid, darling? Could've burned right through your dress! Ha-ha-ha!"

Alastor kept scrubbing the table, watching Tina, waiting for her to laugh, shut him down with how corny his jokes were, make a snark reply, _anything_.

What he got was: "That's plenty dry now, Al. You can go."

Alastor closed his lips around his teeth. Without taking his eyes off Tina, he dropped the soggy napkin onto Husk's plate. Husk groaned, but was too drunk to bother.

Instead of pouring Angel's drink next, Alastor pushed the spider out of his chair and sat down in his place. Right next to Tina.

"Husk," she whispered, "switch seats with me."

Husk turned to Tina and found Alastor's eyes on him, giving off a warning glow.

"Sorry, kid." Husk shrugged, picking up his bottle. "You're on your own with this one."

No one else dared to say anything else on the matter. Not even Angel. Though he did flip Alastor the bird as he circled round to an empty seat at the head of the table, next to Husk. Once Niffty was done setting things up, she sat on the other side of Charlie.

"Aren't you hungry, dear?" Alastor asked when he noticed Tina wasn't digging in.

It had been so long since she'd had her husband's cooking. The buttery smell of those tomatoes was just as tempting as she remembered. But eating them would be like admitting defeat. How could Tina stay mad at him if she tasted his delicious food?

The growl in her stomach insisted that she quit being stubborn. Tina sighed and picked up the fork and knife. She could feel Alastor smiling as she took a small bite of the tomato. She kept up her hardened scowl, even though her tastebuds were singing inside her mouth.

_Damn it, Al! Why ya gotta play dirty?_

Everyone ate in silence. The only sounds were the scraping of knives against the plates and the occasional sips of liquid. Tina felt like she was the main act of a carnival sideshow, as all eyes were on her. Well, more specifically, all eyes were on her and Alastor, whose eyes were on her.

The half-lidded gaze he was giving her out of the corner of his eye wasn't subtle in the least. He didn't blink once, nor did he take a moment to look at his tomatoes while cutting them. His eyes gave off a soft glow as he watched her.

Her dress was tighter than what she used to wear, but gave her an air of sophistication. She'd removed her hat for dinner, showing off that silky black hair curled up at its ends. Alastor liked the musical theme she was going for in her accessories. The amethyst brooch was new. He certainly hadn't gotten it for her.

Then he noticed two particular items missing from her left hand, and his heart sank.

Tina slammed down her knife and fork. Everyone jumped at the sudden noise.

"How many times do I have to tell ya, Al?" She finally faced him. "That fuckin' creeper stare of yours _doesn't_ make me wanna come runnin' back into your arms, but rather claw your eyes out!"

"Oh, Tina." Alastor craned his head so that he could look at her fully. "How I've missed your morbid sense of humor."

She used a finger to turn his head back. "Eyes away."

"Forgive me, dear." He propped an elbow on the table and leaned onto his fist, looking at her _again_. "It's just been so long since I've had the privilege of gazing upon your lovely face."

"Bullshit." She pointed her knife at him. "Don't think I haven't noticed your little shadow buddies stalkin' me!"

"You know stalking isn't my style."

Tina turned back to her plate. "Except when it comes to _me_ apparently."

"Is it wrong for a husband to ensure his wife's safety? It was included in our vows."

"Those vows haven't meant _shit_ since ya had the gall to say, 'I love you!'"

Alastor put down his silverware. " _I_ wasn't the one to initiate the kiss, darling."

"Yeah?" Tina placed a fist on her hip and leaned towards him. "Well, celebratin' our anniversary was _your_ idea!"

Alastor leaned his arm onto the table. " _Who_ sought me out one stormy night?"

She poked him in the chest. "You're makin' this sound more scandalous than it actually is!"

No one could discern what they were arguing about. The only one who was eating now was Angel Dust, who grinned giddily as he watched the bickering couple.

"This shit's almost better than porn."

Husk cocked an eyebrow. "Really?"

"I said _almost_."

"So!" Charlie piped. "How did you two meet?"

Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose. Her girlfriend meant well, but she _really_ needed to learn how to pick up on certain social cues.

"Now _that's_ a funny story!" Alastor raised a finger. "You see, I—"

"Your dad forced him to have a drink with me," Tina said bluntly.

Alastor's finger curled downwards. "True, it wasn't _initially_ my idea, but you managed to turn my head around, darling."

"Not completely, it would seem," Tina mumbled, picking up her silverware.

Charlie's cheeks were beginning to hurt from keeping up her smile. "O…kay."

Everyone went back to eating. Niffty had been uncharacteristically quiet the whole meal. Her eye was focused on her plate, her mouth twisted into an expression of discomfort. Angel's earlier enjoyment had faded away. At this point, he wasn't sure who scared him more. The Radio Demon or the Songbat.

Tina was sure Alastor had given up. Then something scraped against her right leg. She caught her fork in her mouth as the thing ran up and down her leg in a gentle caress. She blushed when she realized it was Alastor's foot.

A soft hum came from Alastor. It was the tune to Frank Sinatra's "Tina," the song she'd been named after. She regretted ever playing it for him.

The foot then stopped and rested on her ankle. The toe tilted to stroke her foot.

The table rattled as Tina sent a swift kick to Alastor's shin. He gave no cry, but stiffened in his seat, his eyes wide.

"Listen, Al," Tina said firmly, dropping her silverware. "I didn't come here just so ya could play footsie with me. I'm here for my employees, not for _you_."

Alastor opened his mouth.

"And don't think I don't know what you're tryin' to do here!" She stood and faced him. "Fried green tomatoes, the Sinatra song, those goddamn shoes!" She poked his chest with every item, sending him further backwards out of his seat. "What, did ya whip up peach cobbler for dessert?"

Alastor raised a finger. "As a matter of fact—"

"Wake up, Al!" Tina slammed her fist on the table. "It's gonna take a lot more than one little dinner to butter me up! Just cuz we're livin' under the same roof again, does _not_ mean I've come home to ya!"

Alastor didn't respond. He sat frozen in his seat, staring at the furious bat before him.

He'd always admired her boldness. But her words hurt him more than that kick in the shin.

A moan from Niffty reminded Tina that she and Alastor had an audience. Her cheeks reddened as she turned back to the others. They were all staring at her except Niffty, who had her big head cradled in her tiny hands.

"Sorry." Tina took a breath and stepped back from the table. "May I be excused? I've lost my appetite."

"O-Of course!" Charlie squeaked as she rose to her feet. "W-Why don't I show you to your room? Oh, but we haven't cleaned it yet. Niffty?"

"Yes!"

Niffty pushed her chair out and skittered out of the room. Like Charlie, she would take any excuse to get out of this awkward situation.

As the Princess led Tina out, she turned back with a smile. "That was delicious as always, Al! Save me some of that peach cobbler, will you?"

Alastor glanced at his wife, who wouldn't meet his gaze. "Thank you, Charlie. You're too kind."

He made an effort to be polite. Even if it hadn't been the Princess's compliment he'd been waiting for.

Once the ladies were gone, another uncomfortable silence filled the room. Alastor stared down at his unfinished plate. Then he sighed and set down his silverware.

"Uh, you okay, Smiles?" Angel asked, even though it was the stupidest question he could ask in this moment. "I've never seen ya not hungry before."

Alastor's teeth glowed as he gritted them. "Peachy. Speaking of which." He stood and gathered his dishes. "I'll go fetch the cobbler. _Someone_ might as well eat it."

The Radio Demon usually only expressed one emotion. Although his smile was still ever present, it was twisted into half a curve. There was disappointment in his voice, so much so that his fake enthusiasm failed to come across. The only one at the table who had ever seen Alastor like this was Husk, and he knew better than to address it.

Vaggie didn't. "Maybe you should just leave her alone."

Alastor stopped in his tracks, his ears twisting in her direction as they picked up on her comment.

"Shut _up_ , Vaggs," Husk hissed through his teeth.

"No. Someone has to say it." Vaggie stood to confront the Radio Demon. "She doesn't _wanna_ be with you. Why can't you see that? I don't know what messed up deal you've got her tangled up in, or what sort of Hell you put her through to make her hate you so much, but as long as Tina's at this hotel, I'm not gonna let you manipulate or hurt her in any—"

Alastor's plate hit the floor with a _crash!_ Vaggie immediately shut her mouth as high-pitched white noise crackled in her ears. The Radio Demon slowly turned his head, his eyes replaced with radio dials. Those foreboding, red Vodou symbols popped up around him.

His lips didn't move when he spoke. Every syllable was emphasized with a flash of his yellow teeth.

" _You think I'd ever hurt her?_ "

Vaggie froze. Husk facepalmed. Angel ducked beneath the table with a muttered, "Nope."

"You _know_ , Vagatha." Alastor tilted his head, his voice becoming more distorted by the second. "Despite what I am, despite what you might _presume_ of me, _I do love my wife._ "

Vaggie narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, right. You love controlling her, I'm sure. I wouldn't expect anything less from an asshole like you."

Alastor slammed his hands onto the table and leaned towards Vaggie, his antlers and claws growing. " _I love my Tina in a way neither of you will ever understand._ "

Vaggie stepped back. Feeling that his point had been made, Alastor recoiled and slowly returned to normal.

"Now, if you'll excuse me."

He snapped his fingers. The broken shards of his plate reassembled into his hands, along with the bits of spilt food. Then he held his head high as he walked calmly into the kitchen.

Once the doors had swished closed, Angel peered his head over the table and breathed a sigh of relief. He climbed back into his seat and looked over at Husk.

"So," Angel said, his top thumbs pointing in the opposite directions Alastor and Tina had gone. "What's _their_ problem?"

"Believe me." Husk took a sip of his booze. "It's best not to get involved."

"I agree." Vaggie sat back down. "But if we had a clearer picture of their situation, we might know how to better handle moments like…" She extended her arm towards the kitchen doors. " _This_."

Husk sighed. "Fine. But I'm only telling you so you know why you shouldn't get involved."

Angel and Vaggie leaned forward, ready to listen.

"Al and Tina's marriage is," Husk said, circling his bottle in his claw, "unconventional."

Vaggie tilted her head. "Unconventional how?"

"Like they into some weird kinky shit?" Angel bounced excitedly in his seat. "Like stickin' knives up their asses?"

Husk gagged. "The hell's wrong with you?"

The spider held up his four sets of fingers. "Ya want the short list or the long?"

"I just mean they didn't marry for love."

Vaggie's eyes widened. "So, what? He forced her or something?"

Husk shook his head. "Al hasn't forced Tina into anything. She knew what she was getting into when she made that deal."

"So they _did_ make a deal." Vaggie clenched her hands into fists. "I knew it. She sold her soul to him, didn't she?"

"Not _that_ kind of deal." Husk slumped forward, resting his chin on his arm. "Al was sick of people asking questions 'bout his sexuality." Angel opened his mouth to ask. "Or rather, lack thereof."

Angel snapped his fingers. " _Knew_ there was something weird about him. Cherri owes me ten bucks."

Husk gestured to the spider. "See what I mean? So, Al found Tina mixed up into some trouble one night, offered her protection if she married him."

Angel whistled. "I knew Smiles was old-fashioned, but this is some real medieval shit right here."

"Wait." Vaggie put a hand to her temple. "So if they never were in love in the first place, what was all _that_ about?"

"Oh, they're crazy about each other," Husk said bluntly.

Angel and Vaggie shared a look of confusion.

"They lived together so long, they couldn't help but fall in love. In fact," Husk said, tipping his bottle towards him, "that's when all their problems started."

"I ain't followin'," Angel said.

"They were pretty much fine when they were just friends. Now that they're stupid enough to love each other," the cat said, glancing at the two seats the couple had previously occupied, "they're able to hurt each other a lot more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sheesh, I think Angel's gonna be the hardest to write. It ain't easy for an asexual to write sex jokes. And man, why does he have to have so many arms to keep track of?


	3. When She Loved Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alastor and Tina reminisce about their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just saw that Vivziepop hasn't 100% confirmed that Alastor is aromantic as well as asexual, but rather has left his romantic orientation ambiguous. That said, keep in mind that I interpret him as romantic in this fic, but still asexual.

Once Alastor was alone in the kitchen, his smile dropped. He put the plate down on the small wooden table and plopped into a chair. He set his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands.

He needed a moment to get his emotions in check. He couldn't let the others see him like this.

What a day this had been. He'd woken up this morning utterly miserable, on the twentieth anniversary of his marriage to Tina. But then his shadow minion had informed him of Tina's impending arrival, and it was like a fire had been ignited in him.

Alastor had told the Princess that he was investing in this hotel to cure his boredom. That was half the truth. The last time he'd had any _real_ entertainment had been before Tina had moved out. Other than the occasional massacres, his wife had been the only thing to bring him any true joy in this hellhole.

Despite her demanding he stay out of her life, Alastor had kept tabs on her these last ten years. He'd watched her reinvent herself from afar. He'd thought her silly for trying to get demons to better themselves, even if only slightly. But she'd always found ways to surprise him.

When her business was destroyed, Alastor had seen this as the perfect opportunity to swoop in and be her knight in shining armor again. But she still hadn't summoned him. She was still hung up over what had happened ten years ago.

Then he'd seen the advertisement for the Happy Hotel, and come up with the perfect plan. He had known Tina would hear about the Princess's plan eventually. He wouldn't have to chase after her. She would come right to him without her even knowing it.

And that was exactly what she did. Alastor recalled how his heart had stirred at the sight of her. After all this time, she was still the loveliest creature ever to walk this plane of damnation. If only she were as happy to see him as he was to see her.

He'd tried everything he could think of to make her smile for him again. The shoes were a symbol of the ones she'd broken the night he'd rescued her from ruffians. The fried green tomatoes were the first thing she'd ever cooked for him. Alastor looked at the untouched peach cobbler on the kitchen counter, her favorite dessert.

How could she still be angry at him? It had been ten years. In all that time, Alastor couldn't figure out what he had done to deserve this punishment from her. He'd tried his best to be a good husband to her, even before feelings had developed between them.

Alastor had made friends before, but none had become such a big part of his life, or afterlife, as Tina. Meeting her had been a happy accident.

His gaze fell upon the spice rack and he smiled to himself. It reminded him of something that had occurred during their first week of marriage. He'd been going into the kitchen to prepare lunch, only to find Tina at the stove. She'd called him out for not labeling any of the spices, and he'd deemed it unnecessary as he'd be doing all the cooking.

This had led to them arguing on whether or not Tina should be allowed to cook for herself, especially while Alastor was preoccupied with his _special_ meals. She had even threatened to put in a microwave for TV dinners. As if Alastor was going to let _anything_ television-related into his home!

That had been his first lesson in marriage. Sharing a space with someone meant accommodating to someone else's needs. And that meant compromise was essential.

So, that evening, he had called her into the kitchen to show off their newly labeled spice rack. They had then proceeded to cook dinner together.

Alastor's chest swelled at the memory. Why couldn't he and Tina have pleasant little moments like that anymore? When it was just the two of them, working together to make their time in Hell more tolerable?

Realizing the others would be inquiring about him soon, Alastor pasted on his smile and stood to get the peach cobbler. He wouldn't eat it, of course. But the smell reminded him of Tina, and all those other meals they had created together.

It truly was torture for the one woman he'd grown to love to look upon him with such hatred. Well, Hell was the place for torture. It was bound to catch up with him at some point.

* * *

"Just give me a few more minutes!" Niffty spread her duster around Tina's room. "I'll have this place spotless in a jiffy!"

Charlie had offered Tina one of their most spacious suites, since she was going to be a partner at the hotel, even if only temporarily. It not only contained a bed and bathroom, but a sitting area and a fireplace. But while it was big, it was covered in dust and cobwebs.

The suite went with the theme of the hotel, decorated in shades of red. It reminded Tina of Alastor's place, except for the apple pattern in the wallpaper.

"Hey, is Niffty the _only_ maid here?" Tina asked.

"At the moment," Charlie said, rubbing the back of her neck, "yes."

Tina watched the little cyclops as she dusted to and fro at the speed of lightning. "I know she's fast, but…ya sure you'll have a hundred and fifty rooms prepared by tomorrow? I mean some of 'em might be willin' to bunk with each other, but if ya need any help—"

"Oh nonsense, Mrs. Tina!" Niffty called from the bathroom. "I quite like cleaning, remember?"

"Still, I got some cleaners lookin' for work."

"We can sort everyone's positions out when you bring your employees by tomorrow," Charlie said. "Of course, with a hundred and fifty demons to interview, it might be a few days before we can put anyone to work."

"That's fine," Tina said. "Again, sorry for bringin' this on y'all on such short notice, but if I wasn't in such a tight spot—"

"It's no problem!" Charlie waved her hand. "Helping demons in need is what we're here for!"

Tina gave a small smile. "Ya know? I wondered how ya could possibly be related to Lucifer, but I see it now."

Charlie frowned. "Oh?"

"I mean nothin' bad by it. I just see where ya get your courtesy and enthusiasm from."

Charlie tucked a stray hair behind her ear. "Thanks."

The Princess had been compared to her father all her life. But this was the first time such a comparison was put in a positive light. Charlie had a good feeling about the Songbat. She seemed like a nice person who liked to see the good in others.

At least, that's what it seemed like when she wasn't around Alastor.

"So, uh," Charlie said, tapping her fingers together, "about you and Al—?"

Tina groaned. "He's not on this floor, is he?"

"No. He's up in the penthouse."

Tina rolled her eyes. "Course, he is. That materialistic prick always insisted on havin' more space than he needed for himself."

Charlie bit her lip. "I know it's not any of my business, but…what _happened_ between you two?" She held up her hands. "I'm only asking because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable here! If Al bothers you in any way, don't be afraid to talk to me or Vaggie!"

The light seemed to go from Tina's eyes as she stared off into space. "We got married, fell in love, didn't work out." She closed a hand around her brooch. "Technically, we _are_ still married, but I moved out ten years ago. Al hasn't gotten over it."

"I see." Charlie put her hands behind her back and rocked back and forth on her feet. "So, uh, what was it you found so interesting about Al? You know, _before_."

Tina folded her arms. "Ours was a marriage of convenience. At first, anyway. Then we made the mistake of fallin' in love."

Charlie blinked. "I don't understand."

The Songbat sighed. "Ya have any exes who just won't leave ya alone?"

Charlie cringed, thinking of Seviathan. "Yeah."

"Then ya know that some people change, and some don't. Al falls in the latter category."

"I…suppose you're right about that." Charlie perked up. "But Al was trying _so_ hard to be nice to you at dinner. Don't you think you should at least give him a chance?"

"Look," Tina said firmly. "You're a sweet gal and all, Your Highness, but I've already had _one_ member of your family butt into my personal life, and that didn't work out for me. So, please, with all due respect, can we just have our conversations be 'bout work and not my issues with Al?"

"Oh but Mrs. Tina," Niffty said as she changed the sheets on the bed, "Al has missed you _so_ much! He won't admit it but he didn't come out of his house for almost two months after you left! If it weren't for me the place would've become a pigsty!"

Tina sent her a sympathetic smile. "Niffty, I know you were always rootin' for me and Al to get together, but—"

"I know, I know! You both needed your space!" Niffty zipped over to Tina and took her hands. "But it's been ten years so you've both had plenty of space and now that you'll be working together you can get to know each other again and fall in love and live happily ever after and maybe finally have that family you always wanted!"

Tina's face fell, her eyes glazing over as they looked down at the small, bouncing cyclops. She had died in her twenties, but she was so much like a child sometimes.

"I'm tired." Tina let go of Niffty's hands. "So, if it's alright with y'all, I'll just turn in for the night."

"Um, okay." Charlie wanted to ask more about Alastor, but had a feeling Tina wasn't ready to talk. "My room's just at the end of the hall. So, call me if you need anything."

"And my room's three doors down!" Niffty said, raising her hand. "So if you ever wanna have some girl talk like we used to you know where to find me!"

Tina ruffled Niffty's hair. "I might take ya up on that offer."

The perky ladies waved as they closed the door, leaving Tina alone in her new room. She sighed as she looked at the king-sized canopy bed.

This was a familiar scene. Once again, out of necessity, she was living under the same roof as Alastor. A big change from the dump that was her previous residence.

Not too different from their wedding night.

* * *

_Twenty Years Ago_

Once the wedding reception was over, Alastor scooped up Tina into his arms and began carrying her bridal-style to his mansion. Or rather, _their_ mansion, now.

"This really necessary?" she whispered, glancing back at the few remaining guests watching them.

"Of course!" Alastor exclaimed. "It's tradition for the groom to carry the bride over the threshold!"

He was still wired from all the dancing and champagne, humming "Get Me to the Church On Time" as he kicked open the front door. He sent the onlooking guests a wink as he expertly kicked it closed behind him.

"Alright, we're inside," Tina said. "Now put me down."

But Alastor took them further into the house. "Not until we reach the marriage bed!"

"What?!" She pushed against his chest. "I thought we weren't gonna—"

"We're married now, dear." He gave her a mischievous, sideways glance. "You can't blame me for wanting to have _some_ fun tonight with my new _wife_."

Tina tensed. Had he played her for a fool? Had he been lying when he'd offered her that deal?

"Oh, lighten up, sweetheart. I'm only jesting. Even if I _was_ interested in partaking in such meaningless, carnal indulgence, I would never force myself upon you." He chuckled. "Though that terrified look on your face _was_ amusing."

She scowled. "Why'd I have to marry an asshole like you?"

He tsked as they entered a hallway. "It appears my bride lacks proper manners." One of the many bedroom doors opened by magic. "And after all the trouble I went through to prepare this room for her."

Tina's annoyance melted away when she took in the lavish scene. Everything, from the furniture, to the curtains, to the carpet, was in elegant shades of purple. It contrasted with the rest of the house, but it was her favorite color.

"I hope you like it!" Alastor set her down so he could show her around. "I collaborated with Niffty and Rosie to ensure that you have every luxury a lady requires!"

Tina ran her hand over a vanity, stocked with brushes, combs, sprays and perfumes. The mirror was perfectly polished, not a single crack. In all her gigs, she'd never had a dressing table _this_ fancy.

"I've gathered all your clothes in here!" With a wave of his claw, Alastor opened up a wardrobe. "And had Rosie make a few additions!"

Tina gawked at the assortment of gorgeous new gowns in various styles from Victorian to modern.

"Oh, and here!" Alastor opened up a cedar chest, displaying a treasure trove of jewelry and accessories. "In case you want to give your appearance a bit more razzle dazzle!"

Tina put a hand to her head as she sat down on the king-sized canopy bed. The mattress was so soft, it almost swallowed her up.

"This is…a bit much, don't ya think?"

Alastor turned to her as he closed the chest. "You're my wife now. What would people say if I didn't spoil you silly?"

She smirked. "Guess it pays to have a rich Voodoo man for a husband."

"Ah, so you _are_ a gold-digger, after all!"

"Hey," Tina said. "If this whole thing's not gonna be anything more than platonic, at _least_ let me enjoy whatever perks I can get. I've been livin' in a rundown flat in the darkest part of town for three years."

Alastor approached her. "Didn't take _you_ to be afraid of the dark, little bat."

"Not really." Tina pointed to her ears. "My echolocation helps me see, or rather _hear_ what's goin' on around me, even in the dark."

"Useful skill."

"Well, it only works if I'm speakin' or hummin' or someone makes a—"

She stopped suddenly, her ears twitching at the pitter-patter of tiny feet.

Alastor tilted his head. "Something the ma—?"

Tina put a finger to her lips and jerked her thumb towards the door. Alastor stood alert as he snapped his fingers, sending his shadow to seek out the intruder. The shadow returned a few seconds later and whispered in his ear.

"Seems Niffty hasn't gone home yet," Alastor said in a low voice.

"What's she doin'?" Tina whispered.

He sighed. " _Peeping_ , it would seem. I'll handle this."

"Wait."

Tina hummed quietly so she could listen for Niffty's movements. She was standing right outside the door, her large eye at the keyhole.

Niffty was a romantic, and since Alastor had never brought a girl home before, she was likely curious about how their consummation would go.

Tina smirked deviously at Alastor. "We _could_ have ourselves some fun first."

She stifled a giggle as she hopped off the bed and walked inconspicuously towards the door.

"So, Al," Tina said, raising her voice, "ya ever been tied up before?"

There was an audible record scratch. "I…beg your pardon?"

"Oh, so this is all new to ya, right?" Tina spoke sultrily as she pulled the skirt of her wedding gown above her knees. "Okay then, _darlin'_ , we'll start off slow."

Alastor's face flushed as she pulled down her tights. "W-What are you doing?"

"Removin' my panties, of course." Tina reached under her skirt. "Lend me a hand, _hubby_?"

Alastor spun around and shielded his eyes with his hand. "I-I thought we agreed…that is, I didn't _think_ you would even… Is this revenge for what I—?"

"Aw, there's no need to be shy, Al!" Once her panties were hanging off her finger, she dropped her skirt. "Isn't this _what is expected_ on our wedding night?"

Something was off about her voice. It was unnecessarily loud, even though Alastor was just a few feet away from her. He turned slightly to question her, in time to see her hang her pink panties on the doorknob, just covering the keyhole. He quirked an eyebrow.

Just what was she up to?

"Jesus _fuck_ , Al!" Tina shouted suddenly, shaking her skirt noisily. "You're just so _eager_ to get this dress off, ain't ya? Now that we're all _alone_!"

She beckoned her arm towards Alastor. But he only stared obliviously.

Tina rolled her eyes and jumped backwards onto the bed. "Oh, Al!" She dramatically put a hand to her head. "Quit teasin' me! Don't make me wait another second!"

When Alastor didn't respond, she jerked her head towards the door and said through her teeth, "Take me _now_."

He blinked. Then glanced at the door. Then at her dramatic pose.

His static crackled back to life.

"Oh!" Alastor cupped a hand over his mouth as he approached the bed. "So sorry to make you wait, my dear, but you know how _inexperienced_ I am in these matters!"

He sent her a look, hoping she'd get the message that he knew what she was trying to do. But even with all his acting skills, he didn't know how this scenario was supposed to play out.

Tina nodded and patted the spot beside her. "Don't worry, Al. I'll show ya what to do."

Alastor sat an arm's length from her. He watched her for his cue.

"Just do this." She bounced slowly, causing the bedsprings to squeak.

"This?" He bounced along with her.

"Yeah, and now…" She began panting heavily.

The suggestive sound made him uncomfortable. Nonetheless, Alastor attempted to match her pants.

"Oh, God!" Tina shouted between breaths. "Oh, _fuck_ , that thing is huge!"

She put too much faith in him.

"Um…err…" He bounced faster as he tried to think of what a man would say in this situation. "You're _mine_ now, dear! And no one else's!"

"Good," Tina whispered before shouting again. "Good! Keep doin' what you're doin', it's oh, so _good_!"

Outside, Niffty pressed her ear to the door, as her view of the keyhole was blocked by Tina's underwear. She heard the bed squeaking, the shuffling of sheets and clothing, Alastor and Tina moaning. Niffty knew it was rude to eavesdrop on an intimate moment like this, but she wanted to make sure Alastor's marriage started off without a hitch. Besides, she needed material for her romance fanfiction.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open and Niffty tumbled forward. When she looked up, Tina stood there with a lilac bedsheet wrapped around her.

" _Excuse_ me," Tina said, placing a hand on her hip. "Can we get a little privacy, please?"

Niffty blushed heavily. "So sorry, Miss—I mean _Mrs._ Tina! I'll, uh, just, uh…"

She skittered out of the room and shut the door. Tina turned back to Alastor, who sat fully clothed on the bed. They burst out laughing.

"Good gracious!" Alastor said. "I think we may have traumatized her!"

"Serves the little bug right for eavesdroppin'," Tina said.

While Alastor had been making the bed noises, Tina had taken the time to remove her dress and throw on the bedsheet for the grand finale of their act. Alastor had averted his eyes through the whole ordeal, of course. Niffty, with that big mouth of hers, was likely to gossip about what she'd seen. Then there would be very little doubt as to the legitimacy of their marriage.

"Now _that_." Alastor wiped away a tear. " _That_ was fun! Ho-ho! To think she actually thought you and I would consummate!"

Tina's laughter died down as she looked down at herself. Blushing, she pulled the sheet up to further cover her cleavage.

"Yeah, well, fun's over." Tina gave her new partner in crime a stern look. "It's been a long day, so please leave."

Alastor stood, a gleam of mischief in his eyes as he leaned towards her. "Oh, but what if she were to come back, hmm? Won't she find it strange if I'm suddenly absent?"

She knew he was only teasing, but two could play at that game.

"In that case," she smirked and took a bold step towards him, "the only way we could be _more_ convincin' is if we did the next round for _real_."

A string of rapid Morse code signals went off as Alastor straightened up. "Message received! Goodnight!"

He then melted into the shadows, leaving his bride alone and untouched on their wedding night. Just as he had promised.

* * *

Tina couldn't help but smile as she thought back on that night. Every other man she'd known hadn't hesitated to jump into bed with her. Not always with her permission. But not Alastor. And yet, she'd had more fun _pretending_ to sleep with him than she'd had actually sleeping with all those other men.

It was like she'd been part of one big comedy routine, with a single partner in on the joke. She'd never felt that sort of comradery with anyone else before.

Things had been so much simpler back then.

Tina hadn't brought any nightwear, as she hadn't planned on staying the night. Not to mention most of her wardrobe had been destroyed in the explosion. Niffty had lain a fluffy red bathrobe on her new bed, with the hotel's initials sewn into the front. Tina took the robe with her into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

She was just coming out, tying the robe around her waist, when she heard a knock at the door. Not just any knock, but that "Shave and a Haircut" riff she knew all too well.

"Go away, Al!" Tina shouted, bringing her dirty clothes out of the bathroom. "I'm not in the mood to deal with ya right now!"

"I only wish to talk, my little magnolia!" Alastor called from outside.

"Don't care!" She pulled a drawer from the dresser and dropped her clothes in. "Ya ain't comin' in!"

There was a pause. "That's perfectly alright, dear! I can talk right out here! In the hall. Where everyone else can hear our business."

Tina groaned as she slammed the drawer shut. That bastard always had an annoying way of turning her own words against her.

She smoothed out her hair, still damp from the shower, as she went to open up the door. Alastor stood there with his hands behind his back. His cheeks flushed when he realized the indecent state Tina was in.

The robe didn't have a hole for her wings, so she'd had to crumple them inside. As a result, the robe didn't quite close all the way, leaving her front quite exposed.

But Tina didn't seem to care as she crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe. "I know what you're gonna say. Ya want me back, we must honor our vows, it just isn't the same without—"

Alastor threw his arms around her, muffling her cries of protest, and pushing her into the room. He pulled her into a tight embrace as he kicked the door closed, just as he had done many times before.

He knew it was undignified, attacking her like this while she wore nothing but a loose-fitting robe. But he just wanted to be able to hold her again, even if for but a moment.

He pressed his nose to the top of her head and inhaled deeply. The shower hadn't completely washed away her intoxicating scent. She still used lavender mousse and peach blossom perfume. Alastor wasn't fond of many sweet things, but he did so love these smells on her.

Her body felt the same as always. Small, but a perfect fit for his arms, her head the right height to rest his chin on. He kept his hand below her wings, knowing how sensitive they were, the other threading through her hair. It was wet and flat against her head, but it was _hers_.

Tina should've pushed him away. She was still mad at him, and he'd had the gall to embrace her without asking. In a bathrobe, no less!

But as his arms tightened around her, she was reminded of how much care he took whenever he held her. Firmly, to shield her from danger, but gently, so as not to harm her. Like a prized doll he refused to break.

The action was a bit possessive, but it also made her feel…safe.

Tina closed her eyes as Alastor pressed her face to his chest. The scent of brimstone and shaving cream entered her nostrils, reawakening emotions she thought had died long ago. Forgetting her anger for a moment, she snaked her arms around his thin waist.

Alastor's lips fell over his teeth, softening into a content smile. She could put on these airs of disgust all she liked, but her body said otherwise. She'd missed him just as much as he'd missed her.

He was never letting her go again.

" _Mon amour_ ," Alastor whispered in her ear. "Will you lie with me tonight?"

Tina's eyes shot open. "What?"

Her mind went to the king-sized bed just a few feet away. She pictured him scooping her up and carrying her over there, just as he had done on their wedding night.

Only this time, he wouldn't be leaving.

"My bed has been so cold without you in it." He kissed the top of her head. "Let us keep each other warm in the darkness, like we used to."

 _So that's it_. Tina's heart sank. _Nothing different._

"Al." She pushed against his chest and looked up at him, but his arms would not leave her. "Even if I still had…feelings for ya, things can't just go back to how they were before."

The corners of Alastor's mouth dropped an inch. "I don't see why not."

Tina sighed and stepped back. Alastor's smile disappeared completely as she slid out of his grasp. He never let anyone see him frown, as it showed weakness. But Tina was the exception to many of his rules.

He just couldn't pretend with her.

His frown sent a pang of guilt through her. But Tina had to lay down the law.

"How can I get you to understand?" she said with a sigh. "I'm not the same girl who made that deal with ya. Nor am I the same girl that…fell for ya. I've _changed_. And you…"

She gestured to him. "Well, you haven't changed a bit, it would seem."

"But I _have_ , my love." The static in Alastor's voice faltered as he took her hands in his. "I understand I wasn't always… _attentive_ to your needs, while we lived together, and I intend to correct that."

Her eyes widened in hope. "Do ya?"

"Of course." His toothy smile returned. "Now that you're here, I will pay you _much_ more attention! It'll be like our second honeymoon at this hotel!"

"Right." Her shoulders slumped as she glanced at the bed. "Cuz our _first_ honeymoon was _so_ conventional."

"I thought it enjoyable." Alastor brought her hands to his chest, so she could feel the rapid fluttering within. "This cold, dead heart beats for only _you_ , _mon épouse_. That much _hasn't_ changed."

She didn't admit that her heart was beating at the exact same rate. "Al, it's gonna take more than a few pretty words to make me wanna come back to ya."

"I know." He spoke softly as he brushed his claw against her cheek. "That is why I suggest we sleep in the same bed for just one night, for old times' sake. If you still hate me in the morning, feel free to kick me out. If not… Well."

He leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers. "We'll decide what to do then."

Tina had forgotten how much of a sweet-talker he could be. His voice sent chills up her spine, his touch tingled warmly on her skin. The promise of laying in bed with him was too much for her fragile heart to take. Not to mention the space between her legs.

Then her brain fully processed what he was asking.

"We'll…just be sleepin'?"

Alastor nodded. "I won't touch you, if that is your wish."

Disappointment doused the flames of her budding desire.

"Ten years," she said sourly, "and ya _still_ don't get it."

A chill overcame Alastor at the loss of her warmth. He watched as she drifted away, his smile gone once again.

"Get out."

He reached out to her.

"Go." She held up a hand in warning. "Or I'll call the Princess."

His ears drooped, and his eyes held a sad look. Tina kept a neutral expression, even though on the inside, her heart was breaking along with his.

Nevertheless, Alastor straightened up and placed his hands behind his back. "My apologies, dear, for wasting your time."

She winced at his bitter tone.

"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. Should you need anything, my door is always open." He put a fist to his chest and bowed. "I bid you goodnight."

He then turned on his heel and headed for the door.

Tina knew she was being unfair. He was really trying so hard to get back in her good graces. But did he really expect the two of them to pick off where they'd left off after ten years of being apart?

Still, she didn't have to be so harsh about it.

"Wait."

Alastor stopped and turned his head, his smile back and glowing. Had she changed her mind?

"I, uh…" Tina rubbed the back of her neck. "Didn't bring anything to change into, so, uh…do ya think ya could…?"

He sighed in disappointment. Even so, he snapped his fingers and a white silk nightgown appeared on the bed.

"Will that be all?" he asked in a clipped voice.

Tina nodded wordlessly. Alastor returned her nod and grabbed the doorknob. He glanced at her once more, before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Tina put a hand to her forehead and slumped backwards onto the bed in exhaustion. He'd looked so broken. She wished she didn't have to be so cruel to him, but he just didn't get it.

He knew what it was she wanted, so why wouldn't he do it?

She sat up and examined the nightgown he'd summoned for her. It was just like the one she used to wear, with a low but modest neckline, a tie for the neck and an open back for her wings.

The one he'd said he liked best on her.

"Oh, Al," she muttered, running her hand along the smooth fabric. "You ain't givin' up, are ya?"

This was going to be a _long_ thirty days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That fake sex scene was inspired by the movie "Easy A."
> 
> Yeah, this got a lot more emotional than the first two chapters.


	4. Oh, When the Sinners Go Marching In!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tina delivers on her promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a while due to less romantic fluff/angst here and more "oh yeah, we're supposed to be running a hotel here."

There was a red gift box outside Tina's door the next morning, tied with black ribbon. Laying on top of it was a single white lily. There was no card, but she knew the culprit.

Tina looked down the hall both ways to make sure no one was watching. Then she bent down, picked up the box and shut the door. She might as well see what his strategy was this time.

She set the flower aside, untied the ribbon and lifted the lid. The first thing she saw was the pair of shoes she'd rejected last night. She sighed as she raised them to her eyelevel.

Every anniversary, Alastor would gift her with shoes. Because on the night he'd saved her from two demons intending to rape her, she'd ruined the only pair she could afford.

"Now that you're with me," he'd said on their first anniversary, "I'll make certain you never find yourself without footwear again!"

He'd chosen a pair of purple loafers this time. They were made of soft velvet, a golden rose sewn into each vamp. The black heels were elevated half an inch.

Tina begrudgingly put them on her feet. As she stood and walked around, she found they didn't pinch in any way. Alastor hadn't forgotten her size.

There was also an article of clothing, which Tina withdrew and held out in front of her. It was a purple fringe flapper dress with shoulder straps and a low back.

Well, she _had_ said she didn't have anything to change into. Unless she wanted to wear the same thing as yesterday, she had no choice.

Once Tina was dressed, she took her purse, hat and brooch and went downstairs to the dining room. The smell of bacon and eggs hit her like a wall. Only Charlie and Vaggie were seated while Alastor and Niffty served the food.

"Ah, good morning, _ma petite chauve-souris_!" Alastor exclaimed the moment he saw her. "Did you sleep well?"

Tina didn't respond. It was _way_ too early for her to be dealing with this shit.

She was about to pull out a chair, when Alastor suddenly appeared at her side and pulled it out for her. She refused to acknowledge him as she sat down and he pushed the chair beneath her.

_Why does he have to keep being such a gentleman?_

"Oh, but of course! How could I forget?" Alastor summoned a coffee pot and mug. "You haven't had your morning coffee yet! It'll wake you right up, my love!"

"Call me that again and I'll throw that coffee back in your face," Tina grumbled.

"Ha-ha!" His eyes gleamed as he filled her mug. "Even in the wee small hours of the morning, you're still as witty as ever!"

Tina tried to ignore him and focus on the others at the table. Vaggie was in a blue, fleece pajama top that hung off her left shoulder. She rubbed her eyes and greeted Tina with a yawn. Clearly, Vaggie wasn't a morning person, unlike Charlie, who looked as fresh as a daisy with her big smile, combed hair and clean tuxedo. Niffty was also energetic as she zipped to her seat, her eye flitting between Tina and Alastor.

"Here you are, dear!" He set a plate in front of the Songbat. "Three strips of bacon, two eggs, sunny-side-up, a little runny, with a dash of basil! Just how you like it!"

As much as Tina wanted to shove the plate in his face and watch the eggs drip over his eyes, she was hungry. She picked up her knife and fork and began cutting slowly.

As expected, Alastor plopped down in the seat next to her and poured himself a cup of coffee. Just like her, he didn't take any cream or sugar.

"I see you're wearing the dress and shoes I got you!"

Tina winced. "Only cuz I had nothin' else. Don't read too much into it."

Alastor sipped his coffee, watching her out of the corner of his eye as she took a bite of bacon. Neither of them said it, but they both knew he'd won this round.

There was a girlish scream behind them. Tina spun around to see Angel Dush in a pink cashmere sweater and shorts, his upper hands over his mouth.

"You _monster_!" His eyes watered as he glared at Alastor. "You turned Fat Nuggets into _bacon_?!"

Charlie froze with her mouth open, glancing at the bacon still on her fork.

"Oh, don't be such a drama queen!" Alastor rolled his eyes. "Your pig's _fine_! I got _this_ bacon from the butcher's."

Angel sniffed. "R-Really?"

"Don't believe me, go check for yourself. I'm sure that plump little swine of yours is tangled up in your scandalous laundry or sniffing in your," Alastor cleared his throat, " _adult_ _toys_."

The spider bolted back upstairs.

"He has a pet pig?" Tina asked.

"Yup." Vaggie used her fork to push the bacon from her eggs. "Alastor's always trying to eat him, so it's no wonder Angel freaked."

Tina sent her husband a sideways glare. " _Al_."

"What?" Alastor stuck his fork into a strip of bacon. "You can't blame me. After all, _you_ always _loved_ bacon!"

He opened his maw, revealing his salivating fangs as he put the whole strip in.

Tina lowered her silverware. "Suddenly, I've lost my appetite."

* * *

Once breakfast was over, and Angel Dust had indeed confirmed that Fat Nuggets was alive and well, playing around in his box of sex toys; Tina set out to fetch the hundred and fifty guests she'd promised. But not without giving her mischievous husband a strong talking to.

"Okay, Al," Tina said, slinging her purse over her shoulder. "Let's get a few things clear." She began listing items off her fingers. "You are not to _harass_ any of my employees. You are not to _make deals_ with any of my employees. You are not to _eat_ any of my employees!"

She poked him in the chest. "If I hear _any_ complaints from 'em, I'm takin' that microphone of yours and shovin' it up your ass! Got it?"

Alastor smiled down at her with a half-lidded gaze. "You really are _adorable_ , dear, when you get all _feisty_ like that."

She scowled. "Did ya even hear a word I said?"

He bent down to her level. "I remember _every_ word you say."

"Then remember this one." With one finger, she pushed his forehead away. " _Scat_."

Tina then made her way to the front door. But Alastor, with his shadow magic, beat her to it, and opened it up for her with a bow. She acknowledged him with a grunt as she stepped out. Then he started following after her.

"I said _scat_!"

"I need to get groceries," Alastor said innocently, "if we're to feed a hundred and fifty demons."

She clenched her fists at her sides. "Fine. But you'll have to make some vegetarian and vegan dishes."

Alastor looked as if she'd said a dirty word. "Please tell me you're _joking_."

She shrugged. "Some of my employees are particular."

His eyes narrowed. "They. Don't. Eat. _Meat_?"

"Vegetarians don't eat meat. Vegans don't eat animal products, period. But ya could still make some of your usual dishes if ya just use tofu instead of—"

"No!" He wagged a finger. "No, no, no, _no_! I will _not_ be making jambalaya with _tofu_! Meat is an essential part of a nutritious lifestyle! And it's no _wonder_ those vegans died in the first place if they thought they could survive on produce and grains alone!"

"Right." Tina rolled her eyes. "Cuz cannibalism is a _much_ healthier way to go."

"At least _I'm_ getting all my proteins!"

"No one's askin' ya to go vegan, Al. I'm just askin' ya to accommodate to other people's needs."

"Oh, really?" His eyes glowed dangerously as he bent down to her. "And since when do _you_ care about accommodating to other people's needs?"

Tina pushed his face back and slammed the door before he could follow her out. Two paintings fell from the wall. Alastor grunted as he rubbed his nose. He glanced back at Charlie, Vaggie, Angel Dust and Niffty, who he'd almost forgotten were there.

"Don't you know it's rude to stare?!"

The four of them looked away and whistled. Alastor gave a _humph_ as he went out the door and slammed it shut. Five more paintings fell.

"If those two don't quit it," Vaggie said, "there won't be much of a hotel left to run."

"Is it just me," Angel said, pointing, "or is it fuckin' weird seein' Al flirtin' with someone?"

Vaggie rolled her eyes as she picked up a painting of Charlie's mother. "It's downright creepy."

Charlie went to help rehang the paintings. "I think it's kinda cute. I've never seen Al going out of his way to compliment somebody like that before."

"Charlie," Vaggie said steadily, "she's _clearly_ not welcoming it."

"I don't know." Angel shrugged his upper shoulders while rubbing his chin with a lower hand. "I've seen old married couples fight before, and they're no exception. And something 'bout the way she mercilessly roasts him almost sounds _playful_ at times."

"Yeah, Mrs. Tina expresses herself through comedy," Niffty said as she dusted off the picture frames. "She used to do stand-up before she started her own club."

Angel snorted. "So, Mr. Lame-Brain Dad Jokes hooked up with a pro comic? Whaddya know? Guess opposites _do_ attract."

"Oh no." Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's bad enough I got Charlie and Niffty wanting to draw fanart of those two, do I have to worry about you too?"

"Hey, I ain't no scientist." Angel held up his upper hands and with his lower ones, made a finger go into a hole. "But the chemistry tween those two bickerin' lovebirds is undeniable."

" _Friction's_ more like it." Vaggie pointed a warning finger at all three of them. "You heard what Husk said. Don't get involved. Unless things get heated, then we get Tina to safety."

Angel raised an eyebrow. "What makes ya think the _bat_ will be the one who needs savin'?"

Vaggie extended her arms towards the door. "Cuz it's the _Radio Demon_!"

"Nah!" Niffty waved a hand. "Al's too sweet on Tina to get _that_ crazy."

"I'm with the kid on that one," Angel said. "Bambi's been actin' like a lovesick fawn since the broad arrived."

"Did you see the dress he got her?" Charlie put her hands over her heart. "And how he made her favorite breakfast and poured her coffee?"

"He ain't just tryin' to butter her up." Angel made a heart with his upper hands. "He's offerin' her a free ticket to Smooch City, then next stop," he said, slapping his lower hands on his thighs, "Bone Town, party of two!"

Charlie cringed. "Yeah, um, pretty sure Alastor has something less racy in mind."

"Ugh!" Vaggie facepalmed. "Am I the only one here who _hasn't_ lost their mind?" She glanced at Charlie. "Sorry, hon. But I'm serious. Whatever's going on between Alastor and Tina, it's _their_ problem, _their_ business. Keep out of it."

Everyone avoided eye contact with her.

"Okay." Vaggie took a deep, calming breath. "I'm gonna go start making copies of employee applications and new patient forms. We're gonna need a lot of them."

She walked off, and Angel watched until she was well out of earshot before speaking.

"So, Niffty," he said with a smirk, "how much ya wanna bet Deer Boy and Bat Girl will be boinkin' before this whole thirty-day deal's up?"

"Angel!" Charlie chastised.

"What?" He shrugged his lower arms. "They're married. It's allowed, ain't it?"

Niffty bounced in place with a squeal. "I'll bet you fifty bucks they'll be kissing again by Valentine's Day!"

"Ha!" Angel smacked his forehead. "If you can get 'em to work out their shit _that_ fast, I'll go sober for reals!"

"And gimme fifty bucks too, right?"

He shook his lower hand with hers. "Ya got yourself a bet, kid!"

"Uh, actually, Angel," Charlie said, clasping her hands together, "you'll have to go sober _anyway_. See, Tina's issued a three strikes policy, so if we catch you doing anything bad three times, we'll have to ask you to, uh, leave the hotel. So…no drugs."

Angel blinked. "I'm sorry. _What_?!"

* * *

Tina hadn't been exaggerating. Come lunchtime, the hotel lobby was flooded with a hundred and fifty demons of all walks of afterlife. Succubae, hellhounds, animalistic demons, even a few imps. Angel Dust had put on his shiny pink dress and was ready to go flirt with the new arrivals, until he noticed one teeny, tiny flaw in his plan.

"Hold on." All four shoulders slumped. "Don't tell me these are all fuckin' _dames_!"

"Most troubled souls down here tend to be female," Tina said. "Didn't I mention that?"

"Aw!" Niffty pouted along with Angel Dust before she went back to cleaning rooms.

Vaggie pushed through the crowd. "How are we supposed to handle this? The lobby's not big enough for all these people!"

A sharp whistle came from the top of the staircase. Everyone turned and gasped to see the Radio Demon standing there, his staff at his side. A tall, canary demoness sent Tina a questioning look. The Songbat rolled her eyes and shrugged.

"Attention new employees and guests!" Alastor said with a bow. "My name is Alastor, co-manager of the Hazbin Hotel! I understand you're all eager to get settled into your rooms, but until then, refreshments will be served in the ballroom! If you'll just follow me—"

The new arrivals swarmed up the steps, taking the Radio Demon by surprise. He bolted to the left before they could trample him. At the bottom of the steps, Charlie, Vaggie, Angel Dust and Tina backed into the railing to avoid the stampede.

"They haven't had much to eat these past few weeks," Tina explained. "Can ya blame 'em?"

"Excuse m-me!" piped a voice. "Miss T-Twinkle, can I t-talk to you for a s-second?"

The canary demon elbowed her way through the crowd. She was a lean woman, an inch taller than Charlie. Her wavy hair was sunshine gold, the same color as her feathers. It was pulled back by a black headband and went down to the small of her back. Her yellow face was small, her orange beak taking up most of it. If this weren't Hell, her pink eyes would give anyone cause for concern. She was dressed professionally with an orange pantsuit, carrying a clipboard.

"Oh, sorry," Tina said. "I should've introduced y'all earlier. Your Highness, Miss Vaggie, this is Carrie Canary, my DR Manager."

Angel raised an eyebrow. "What does DR stand for?"

"Demon Resources. Like Human Resources, but with demons. Carrie makes sure all my employees are treated fairly. So y'all can go to her with any complaints y'all might have about say," Tina said, glaring up the stairs, "a certain Radio Demon who won't leave well enough alone."

Angel burst out laughing. "You're kiddin'! You got fuckin' Human Resources in _Hell_?"

"That's…a great idea!" Charlie clapped her hands together. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

"Like anybody," Angel shouted between breaths, "would give a _shit_ about…" He held his stomach as he doubled over. "That's the most ridiculous crap I've ever heard!"

Vaggie looked at Carrie and jerked her thumb towards the spider. "You'll be hearing from him a _lot_."

"I'm s-sure." Carrie gave Angel a look of bewilderment before turning back to the Songbat. "Anyway, Miss T-Twinkle, when you said you were going to r-relocate us to this hotel, you d-didn't m-mention that your ex-h-husband would be here."

"Yeah, that was," Tina said, crossing her arms, "unplanned."

"Oh, d-dear." Carrie bit her pink fingernails. "It's just that after you w-warned us to…" She glanced nervously up the stairs. "I m-mean you told us not to under a-any circumstances interact with him and that's going to be i-impossible if he's c-co-manager here so—"

"Carrie." Tina put a hand on her shoulder. "If he bothers ya, or someone else comes to ya 'bout him, just let _me_ deal with him, okay?"

"B-B-But…" Carrie's clipboard shook in her tiny yellow hands. "Y-You told me he's a c-c- _cannibal_! W-What if he tries to—?"

"Again. Let _me_ deal with him. Now go up to the ballroom, try to get everyone organized, get some water, okay?"

Tina patted her on the back and she nodded. "Y-Yes, Miss T-Tina. I t-trust you."

Carrie put her clipboard over her face and followed the crowd up the stairs. Angel was still laughing on the floor.

"Ya tellin' me _that_ chick's supposed to handle our problems?" Angel pointed with one hand and smacked his forehead with another. "What's she gonna do? S-S-Stammer until we b-b-behave?"

Tina grabbed the back collar of his dress and hoisted him up with surprising strength. "Carrie may not _seem_ like the bravest, but she's a real good mediator when put on the spot." She dropped the spider and turned to her co-managers. "Carrie's been with me for seven years now. I'd trust her with anything."

* * *

The hotel's ballroom was like something out of _The Great Gatsby_. Polished marble floor, high golden-paned ceiling, crystal chandeliers. It had a newer look than the rest of the hotel with the way everything sparkled. On one side of the room was a stage set with a red grand piano and a microphone stand for musical performances.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Charlie whispered to Tina as they entered. "One of the first things Al wanted to fix was the ballroom. After the kitchen and dining room, of course."

Tina's smile disappeared. "That so?"

"Mmm-hmm. He's been really helpful with the renovations. And keeping our bellies full, obviously."

Everyone else was gathered around a string of tables abundant with an assortment of hors d'œuvres. Alastor was greeting the new employees as he poured them punch. He was met with a mixture of fearful expressions, wary glances and flirtatious giggles. But the only demon Alastor seemed to really acknowledge was Tina, as he met her eyes from across the room. She quickly turned her attention back to Charlie.

"Yes, well…" Tina held an arm out towards the stage. "Shall we get started, Your Highness?"

The two of them stepped onto the stage. Charlie tapped the mic.

"Excuse me? Can I have your attention, please?"

But the chatting buzz of the crowd was too loud for the Princess to be heard over. That, or few seemed to care.

"If you could all just…? As Princess of Hell, I, uh…"

Flashbacks to the failed interview a few weeks ago gave Charlie a sudden case of stage fright. Then Tina gently pulled her back and stepped in between her and the mic. The Songbat put a hand over her amethyst brooch and cleared her throat.

When she opened her mouth, a high-pitched screech rang out. The mic caused it to reverberate throughout the room and everyone covered their ears. Except for Tina and Alastor.

"Sorry 'bout that," Tina said. "Now that I got y'all's attention…"

She took the mic off the stand and walked along the stage.

"Afternoon, ladies! And the very _few_ gentlemen we have." She sent Alastor a pointed look. "I know the last couple of weeks have been tough, and this whole work-towards-redemption thing ain't what most of y'all had in mind. But hey? We got a roof over our heads once again, three square meals a day, and all we gotta do is be on our best behavior here. So, really. This ain't much different from how we ran things at The Reckoning."

There was a brief interval of murmurs and nods.

"Only this time, y'all won't just be answerin' to me, but for Princess Charlotte here. And yeah, yeah, I know y'all might think the demons-goin'-to-Heaven idea is a bunch of baloney." Tina turned to Charlie. "No offense, Your Highness."

Charlie smiled awkwardly and waved.

"So, if any of y'all wanna walk outta here right now, I won't fault ya for it." Tina held up a hand. "After all, your contracts were to work at The Reckoning, which doesn't exist anymore. Those of y'all who _do_ stay, will be signin' new contracts with Her Royal Highness here. Similar rules, just different goals."

She scowled and pointed at the audience. "Which means our three strikes policy is still in effect, so don't think this means I'll start goin' easy on y'all."

A few demons walked out of the ballroom. One even swiped a platter of pigs-in-a-blanket and dashed out. But the majority of them stayed, listening to the Songbat.

"Anyone else feel like takin' their chances on the streets with all the sleazebags and predators out there?" Tina put a hand on her hip and waited. "No one? Good. Then I'll hand it off to my new business partner, Princess Charlotte Magne."

To Charlie's surprise, the crowd burst into applause. She whispered a thank you to Tina as she handed her the mic.

Alastor's clapping was the loudest. From the moment he'd first laid eyes on her, he'd known his Tina's flair for drawing an audience in. If her presence alone wasn't enough, her relaxed, playful, somewhat blunt demeanor was utterly engaging. Now she had taken her natural charisma to a new stage.

He was too much in awe of his wife to be hurt by the fact that in that inspirational speech, she hadn't mentioned him once.

"Uh, hi, everyone." Charlie waved weakly at the audience. "I'm Charlie. And as Tina said, here at the Hap—err, _Hazbin_ Hotel, we believe that every sinner deserves a second chance! If we all put our heads together and work to sort out our, um, issues, I know each of you can achieve redemption and earn the right to go to Heaven!"

She was met with silence and a sea of uninterested stares.

Tina tipped the mic towards herself to say, "Or at the very least, free room and board."

That got them to cheer.

"Yes, well." Charlie tucked her hair back and pointed to the back of the room. "On that table back there, you'll find two piles of forms. One for employees, one for patients. Please fill out one or both, depending on whether you simply wish to work here, or if you want a shot at rehabilitation."

She held up a hand. "Take your time, try to be as honest as possible, and remember, there's no judgment here. In a little while, my partner Vaggie and I will start calling you one at a time for the interview process. As there are so many of you, this may take a few days. In the meantime, enjoy the refreshments our colleague Alastor has prepared, and by the end of the day we'll have your rooms assigned and ready."

The demons were in no hurry to grab their forms. Those that did, mostly took from the employee pile. Charlie's eyes lit up when she saw one or two take a patient form.

"Okay!" Charlie took a moment to clap her hands. "Who's up first?"

* * *

"So, Miss, uh…" Charlie glanced at the form in her hand. "Hil-day-jard?"

"Hildegard," the gray hellhound said in a thick, Slavic accent.

Hildegard towered over the Princess even while sitting down. According to her file, she was eight feet tall and three hundred fifty pounds. That weight was mainly due to her massive muscles. Her black hair was tied into two braids, her large arms crossed over her broad chest. Her red eyes glared down at Charlie, her mouth of fangs twisted in a sneer.

"And I, uh, see you worked as a bouncer for Tina," Charlie said, afraid to look up from the paper.

"Yes," Hildegard said stiffly. "I protect Miss Twinkle."

"Good. Because we could use some security in case any fights break out or some less, uh, savory characters crash—"

Without warning, Hildegard's paw slammed down on the desk. Charlie yelped and hid behind the form.

"Sorry." The hellhound wiped her paw off her black muscle shirt. "There was bug."

* * *

"So, Dr. Cougarton," Vaggie said, "exactly what kind of doctor are you?"

Dr. Cougarton lived up to her name in appearance. Her lion-like head was hairless, unless you counted the thin coat of light brown fur. She looked professional in her blue blazer and pencil skirt. Her ankles were crossed with her paws laid over her lap in a ladylike fashion.

"I'm a psychiatrist." Dr. Cougarton flashed her feline fangs. "I think I can help with your little project, as I spent a significant amount of time in rehab. Now, I'm not so certain if Heaven is possible, but I think I can help your new guests and employees develop some self-control over their vices while here."

Vaggie leaned forward in interest. "What kind of rehab?"

"Drugs, gambling, but mostly sex addicts."

Vaggie scoffed. "You'll certainly be helpful with Angel Dust."

"Oh, yes. I look forward to working with him." Dr. Cougarton's yellow eyes gleamed. "He's quite an _interesting_ specimen, even if he _is_ homosexual."

Vaggie paused in flipping through the form at this comment. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, I wasn't being judgmental." The psychiatrist waved her paw. "I simply wonder if he's willing to make an exception for me."

This confused Vaggie further. She skimmed down to what she believed was the most crucial question on the form.

"What did you say your sins were?"

"In Biblical terms," Dr. Cougarton said, shifting in her seat, "I believe it would be classified as adultery. Only one or two of my patients _happened_ to be married, and I like to think my sessions actually _fixed_ some of their problems."

Vaggie's eyes widened at the long list of names written in the "sins" section of the form.

"If I may be so bold, Miss Vagatha." Dr. Cougarton's voice dropped an octave as she circled her finger on the desk. "Exactly…how _exclusive_ is your relationship with the Princess?"

Vaggie dropped the paper. "Excuse me?"

"I'm only asking out of curiosity." The psychiatrist purred as she leaned forward. "For instance, are you open to threesomes?"

With a heavy blush, Vaggie stood from her seat. "W-We'll, uh, talk to you later. A-About the _job_ , not the…" She winced. "Just get out, okay?"

* * *

"Well, Miss Proxy, I was thrilled to see you filled out both the employee and patient forms!" Charlie held said forms up excitedly. "You actually believe in redemption?"

"Eh." The short, racoon demoness held up a so-so sign before recrossing her arms. "Mostly I'm just trying to stop a problem of mine. It's not a _big_ problem, but it does get people mad."

"What kind of problem? Hey, where's my pen?"

Proxy slid the pen back onto the desk. "Sorry. I was admiring it."

"No problem." Charlie took the pen and looked over the employee form. "So, anyway. You want to work on the cleaning staff?"

"Yeah." Proxy shrugged as she slumped in her seat. "I mean it was all I did in life and all I did at Tina's and what else have I got going for me with no high school diploma?"

"Well, our head maid Niffty will certainly be happy to have some—that's odd. I could've sworn my stapler was right there."

Proxy sighed and held up the stapler. "Again, sorry. That happens."

Just as Charlie took the stapler, she noticed Proxy swipe the Princess's nameplate. "By any chance is that, err, problem of yours…kleptomania?"

"How'd you guess?"

* * *

"No, seriously." Vaggie put her hands together and pointed them at the twins sitting across from her. "You two didn't sign up as patients just so you can live here rent-free and not work?"

Dana and Dinah were two praying mantis demonesses with green faces, bug-like blue eyes, antenna sticking out of their heads, and long, slim arms. The twins were identical, the only way to tell them apart being that Dana had her fluffy white hair pulled back in a ponytail, while Dinah had hers in a single braid. They both wore skintight pink dresses with plunging necklines, but not enough for them to be mistaken for sex workers.

"We'll be honest, love," said Dana on the right, in the British accent she shared with her sister.

"No one likes work," said Dinah on the left.

Dana nodded. "That's a given."

"But we also think—"

"—this Heaven idea is worth a shot."

"Because we should've gone up there in the first place."

"As we didn't do anything wrong."

Vaggie raised an eyebrow. "If you didn't do anything wrong, why are you both down here?"

Dinah rolled her wrist. "Alright, so _maybe_ —"

"—according to the Man Upstairs—" Dana pointed upwards.

"—what we did was _technically_ wrong."

"But is it really so wrong to love your sister?" Dana put her hand on her twin's knee.

Dinah laid her hand over hers. "More than _anything_ in the world?"

"And it's not like we were _harming_ anybody."

"And we had all our STD tests."

"And accidental pregnancy is _impossible_ of course."

"And we were loyal, so it cannot be classified as adultery."

The twins were now looking at each other intensely, their chairs scooting closer together. When Vaggie saw how tightly their hands were holding, her eyes widened in horror.

"Um, uh…" Vaggie slowly stood. "Would you…excuse me for just one moment?"

She raced out of the office and into the bathroom. Where she hurled her breakfast into the toilet.

_Why do I keep getting stuck with all these sex-crazed lunatics?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I'm not gonna bore you with all 150 guests. But man, was it difficult coming up with minor OCs who aren't gonna contribute much to the story except as running gags.  
> I promise next chapter will have more of our main couple.  
> P.S. No offense to vegetarians and vegans. I just don't think Alastor would take kindly to not involving meat in his recipes.


	5. The Lady Loves Me (But She Doesn't Know It Yet)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alastor tries to remind Tina how much fun they used to have together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used in this chapter: "The Lady Loves Me" by Elvis Presley and Ann-Margret (seriously, the moment I heard this, I knew this was perfect for Al and Tina).

No matter where Alastor went, he often found himself surrounded by women. It couldn't be helped, he supposed. His mother had always said he was a handsome lad, and his demon form was no different.

So naturally, out of the hundred and fifty demonesses bustling about the ballroom, a handful of them were bound to accost him at some point.

"Miss Twinkle told us so much about you, Mr. Alastor, but she didn't say you were so _handsome_!"

"Is it true you and Miss Twinkle haven't spoken to each other in ten years?"

"Does this mean you're technically single?"

Alastor didn't take note of their faces, as he only had eyes for one demoness in this throng. Tina was over by the stage, looking over a clipboard with Carrie Canary. She didn't seem to acknowledge the pack of ladies with no shame to flirt with their employer's husband right in front of her.

The whole point of Alastor and Tina's marriage was to discourage romantic pursuits on both sides. They used to scare off each other's would-be suitors. But now, Tina didn't even bat an eye. No trace of jealousy or concern whatsoever.

And it didn't escape Alastor's notice how all the ladies here addressed Tina as _Miss_ Twinkle and not _Mrs._

"Separation can be difficult," Dr. Cougarton said. "A lot of stress and anxiety. But, if you'd like, I can assist you in… _releasing_ all of that _tension_."

The horny lioness made the mistake of touching Alastor's shoulder. He grabbed her wrist and squeezed it out of reflex. Dr. Cougarton's hot flash turned into a wave of terror as his glowing red eyes focused on her.

"Please, madam," Alastor said through his teeth. "Refrain from touching things that _don't belong to you_."

As soon as he let go of her wrist, Dr. Cougarton made a beeline for the buffet table.

This incident, Tina _did_ see. She looked back at Carrie Canary before Alastor could notice.

"I've d-drawn up the r-room assignments," Carrie said, pointing to her clipboard. "I a-asked the P-Princess for a l-layout of the h-hotel and h-had everyone f-fill out a s-survey of whether they wanted a s-single, d-double, w-wouldn't mind sharing and—"

"It's perfect," Tina said before her DR manager could hurt herself from stuttering. "Did ya make sure to put the Dicto twins in separate rooms?"

Carrie nodded. "S-Separate w- _wings_."

Tina patted her on the back. "What would I do without you, Carrie?"

Carrie touched the black choker around her neck. "I'm s-sure you w-would g-get along f-fine."

"Not true. And while we're on the subject, make sure your own room is to your likin'. Ya deserve it."

Carrie flipped a page. "O-On the f-first floor. Not too h-high."

Tina was aware of Carrie's fear of heights. "Go find Proxy and some of the other cleanin' staff who were already interviewed. Have 'em help out Niffty so we can get everyone here in bed before nightfall."

Carrie saluted and went off. Tina leaned against the wall with her arms crossed and surveyed the ballroom. Alastor was mingling with a new swarm of ladies. They were giggling and swooning at whatever lame jokes he was telling. Tina simply rolled her eyes.

Despite all the warnings about the Radio Demon's sadistic tendencies and horrendous diet, Tina's faint-hearted employees were no match for Alastor's good looks and gentlemanlike charm. Back at The Reckoning, she'd given Hildegard and the rest of security explicit instructions not to let him onto the premises under any circumstances. But now, there was no escaping interacting with him.

Tina couldn't really blame the girls for being attracted. He was a walking chick magnet. But she knew that although the ladies were compelled, Alastor would make no attempts to connect. Sure, he'd talk to them politely, but never entertain their airheaded delusions.

She'd always liked that about him.

Angel's voice took Tina out of her thoughts. "There seriously no guys around here?!"

Tina smirked. "I have a _few_ , but they're all either teenagers, or not into men."

Angel crossed his arms. "What's the deal? Ya sexist or something?"

"Oh no." She shrugged. "It just so happens not a lotta men are interested in workin' in a nightclub like mine. Except for a chance to, ya know, get to know the ladies. But they ain't willin' to cooperate with three strikes' policy. I'm very selective in the demons I hire."

Angel dropped his arms to his sides. "This _is_ Hell! At least at the studio, I got _laid_!"

Tina shook her head as the spider went off to sulk somewhere. She glanced back at where she'd last seen Alastor, but found him absent. The ladies he'd been chatting with were looking her way, pouting.

" _Bonjour, chérie_."

The Songbat snapped her head to her right and found Alastor standing there with his hands behind his back. At a respectful distance of two feet.

Tina tilted her head towards the group of ladies he'd abandoned. "See ya've picked up some fans."

"What can I say?" Alastor shrugged. "I'm impossibly charismatic."

She glanced off to the side. "Ya needn't waste your time. Ya can have your pick of any gal here."

"Except the gal I picked was _you_ ," he said softly.

Tina scoffed. "Ain't _that_ a laugh?"

Alastor looked at his little fan club. They were still waving and blowing kisses at him. Then he turned back to the one woman he _wished_ would show him the least bit of attention.

"If I may speak," Alastor said, clearing his throat, "professionally, for a moment, Tina. I am quite impressed with how well you delivered on your promises. I've been here for three weeks, yet you've managed to fill up our rooms in less than two days. You've become quite the entrepreneur, my dear."

Tina blushed. "Thanks." She looked up at the ceiling. "So, uh, the Princess tells me this ballroom was your idea?"

"The room was already here," Alastor said, gesturing to their surroundings. "I simply refurbished it. Every hotel needs a space for grand social events, don't you think?"

Tina nodded toward the chandeliers. "Ya did a pretty good job."

"How now?" He put a hand to his ear. "Was that a compliment I just heard?"

"I'm just tryin' not to make a scene in front of my employees, okay?" She then added in a mutter, "I can be professional too."

A scream alerted them both. Alastor and Tina looked in time to see a demoness with a pixie cut and baggy clothing slap Angel Dust across the face.

He held up all four hands. "I thought you were a guy, I swear!"

That earned him another slap. Alastor and Tina chuckled. His ears perked up upon hearing her adorable little laugh that sounded like a squeaky toy. Finally, he had managed to get it out of her. If only it had been due to one of his jokes. But taking pleasure in someone else's misfortune was good enough.

Tina had always been a pleasant companion at social events. Even the dullest of parties were made more entertaining with her at his side. Alastor remembered their first party together, not long after their honeymoon.

* * *

"Smile, my dear!" Alastor tipped his new wife's chin upwards. "This is our big debut as a married couple! We're supposed to be in newlywed bliss!"

"Okay, okay." Tina waved off his hand. "Sorry, I'm just a bit nervous, is all. I've never been to royal ball before."

"Don't you worry, dear." He booped her nose. "Just be your usual charming self! And if you can't figure out what to say, simply put on that pretty smile of yours and let me do that talking!"

She rolled her eyes. "How is this Stolas a prince, anyway? I thought Lucifer only had a daughter."

"Well, my dear, you see—"

He was interrupted by the herald at the top of the palace's ballroom staircase. "Alastor the Radio Demon, and his wife, Tina Twinkle!"

Alastor and Tina immediately took on their husband-and-wife façade and smiled and waved at the crowd. Tina played it up by interlacing her hands around Alastor's arm and laying her head on his shoulder.

The evening went by in a blur. Tina was introduced to a number of important demons whose names she could scarcely remember. She felt like a fish out of water with all these demons dressed in such rich finery. Even though Alastor had done her hair up and fitted her into an elegant red ballgown, complete with a ruby necklace, Tina was nothing like these wealthy socialites.

She'd grown up in one of the poorer communities of Birmingham, Alabama. Where integration was not something the white people in charge were willing to welcome. Even when she'd moved to New York, her social circle hadn't been glamorous. She'd met a few television personalities and fellow comedians, but her background had always been obvious to everyone with her heavy accent and, of course, the color of her skin. Although race mattered less in Hell, power and connection did. And at this point, all Tina had going for her was being the wife of the Radio Demon.

Tina wondered how Alastor could talk so easily with this elite group of demons. After all, he'd grown up in New Orleans at the turn of the century. As a boy of mixed race, nonetheless. How did someone who, by society's standards back then, didn't fit in anywhere, blend in so perfectly with this crowd?

After an hour of hanging on her husband's arm, Tina started to feel dizzy. She excused herself to "powder her nose," and then proceeded to lock herself in the bathroom for several minutes. These people were so rich, even the toilet was solid gold.

Once she'd regained her breath, Tina went over to the sink to splash some water in her face.

_Come on, Tina. It's just another performance. You can get through this._

After quickly fixing her makeup and hair, Tina put on a cheerful smile, ready to face the crowd again. But just as she was leaving the bathroom, she bumped into someone.

"Oh, excuse me!" Tina stepped back and held up her hands. "I didn't see ya…"

She trailed off as she was met with the absurd sight of a demon with a television for a head. She couldn't help it. The joke wrote itself.

"Sorry, mister, didn't mean to flatten your face. Or was it already like that?"

The face on the screen frowned for a moment, then glitched into a smile. "Suppose I deserve that for not watching where I'm going."

The TV man bowed in a way that reminded Tina of Alastor. He even wore a similar style tuxedo, only indigo.

"Let me make it up to you." He tipped his top hat as he took her hand. "The name's Vox."

"Oh!" Tina pulled her hand away. "So _you're_ Vox."

Vox straightened up. "You've heard of me, then."

She crossed her arms. "My husband talks 'bout ya a _lot_."

"Husband?" He looked her over again, his digital smile widening. "That's right. You're Alastor's girl, ain't ya? My partner Valentino mentioned you."

Tina put up a fake smile. "Be sure to tell him I hope his hearin' comes back."

Before she could take a step, Vox grabbed her wrist. "What's your hurry, doll face? We were just getting to know each other."

Tina dropped all politeness and raised her fist. " _Please_ , let go, before I smash in that screen of yours."

Vox obeyed and held up his hands. "Val told me you were a difficult dame to please. Makes me wonder just how Al managed to snatch you up."

She turned her back and tried to leave again. " _He_ at least has _manners_."

But Vox stepped into her path. "Val also says you've got quite a voice. Not a bad sense of humor either."

"That so?" Tina crossed her arms. "Here's a joke for ya. What did the remote say to the noisy TV?"

His digital red eyes blinked. "Don't know. What _did_ the remote say to the—?"

She held out her hand towards his screen, pretending to press a button on a remote. "Mute _._ "

Tina walked past him. Vox gave a mechanical chuckle as he followed her.

"So, _that's_ what Al sees in you. He always had a thing for lame-ass jokes. At least _you_ don't sound like you're trying too hard." He blocked her way once again. "You ever considered a career in television, babe?"

Seeing that she wasn't going to shake him off anytime soon, Tina replied, "I've guest-starred on a few cable talk shows."

He bent down to her level. "A talented performer like you deserves her _own_ show. Not just some evening act in a teeny, tiny rundown bar."

Tina scowled. _How_ dare _he talk about Mimzy's place like that?!_

"I could make you a star," Vox whispered, taking her hand. "But don't worry, you wouldn't have to do anything _obscene_ like what Val invests in. Just do your normal routine, only this time you'll be entertaining _millions_."

A little way across the room, Alastor was searching for his wife, as she was taking a long time to powder her nose. He stopped in his tracks when he spotted her with _Vox_ of all demons.

"Believe me, toots." Vox moved closer to Tina, his screen just inches away. "You'll get more publicity on TV than you will on _radio_."

Alastor clenched his fists at his sides, eyes glowing and antlers growing. He hated that blasted television. Events like this were supposed to be neutral ground for Overlords, but having the gall to _accost and touch his wife_ was going too far!

He was prepared to rip that television off Vox's neck when Tina spoke, "What's the catch?"

Vox chuckled. "Smart girl. I don't ask for much." He captured her chin. "But should you _happen_ to have a few juicy tidbits to share of that _husband_ of yours…"

 _And there it is._ Tina smirked up at the creepy screen.

"Here's a _tidbit_ , Mr. TV Demon." She wrenched her hand out of his grasp and took a step back. "Al's a better dealmaker than you."

Alastor returned to normal, his ears perking up at Tina's words.

"Points for effort, though," she said, giving Vox a sweet smile. "If you'd found me a decade ago, I might've taken ya up on that offer."

Tina patted Vox's shoulder in a condescending manner that made him frown. "But I've met a shit ton of sweet-talkers like you. And all ya've done is prove that I was right to pick Al when he proposed."

She leaned in to whisper, "And you _must_ be scared of Al, if you're resorting to _seducing his wife_ to find his weaknesses."

Vox was rendered speechless. Alastor grinned as his heart swelled with pride. _Did I, or did I not pick the most perfect wife?_

"Val's right." Vox kept a calm tone as he straightened up. "You're tougher than you look, doll. If I were you, I'd watch that mouth of yours." He pointed to her lips. "Someone might be inclined to _sew it shut_."

Tina maintained her smile as she brushed his hand aside. "I'll tell my _husband_ ya said that." Her tone dropped into something sultrier. "Course with _that_ tall drink of water, my mouth might be busy with _other_ things."

Vox's screen glitched as she sashayed away, giggling to herself. Then she looked up and saw Alastor.

"There ya are." She jerked her thumb behind her. "Your buddy Vox says hi."

"I saw." Alastor stooped down and cupped her chin. "You handled yourself _beautifully_ , my dear. I couldn't be prouder."

He surprised her with a peck on the cheek. He'd never done that before. Not even in public.

"What's this now?" Tina put a hand to her cheek and smirked. "Did my standin' up for myself actually turn ya on a little bit?"

"I do not get," Alastor said, putting his arm around her shoulder, "'turned on,' as you call it." Then he pressed her close and whispered in her ear. "Though I'll admit, it was pretty close."

She knew he was only teasing, but it caused her to blush all the same. "Down, boy. People are watchin'."

He rubbed his nose into her hair. "All the more reason for me to keep whispering flirtatiously."

"Stop!" Tina pushed him back with a laugh. "It's _weird_ comin' from _you_!"

"Rejected by my own wife." Alastor dramatically put a hand to his chest. "I'm hurt, darling. Truly."

There were several eyes from them now, including Vox's. Alastor was right. Flirtatious banter like this would make their husband-and-wife act more convincing. So convincing, in fact, Tina didn't feel so uncomfortable with it. Not like during their whirlwind engagement.

"Truth be told, _mon épouse_ ," Alastor said, "I find formal events like these to be painfully _dull_. Not like the parties we had back in New Orleans." He met her eyes. "The people here aren't as… _interesting_."

Tina glanced over at Vox. "No kiddin'."

"And oh, what a neglectful husband I've been, ignoring you all evening!" He took her hands in his. "I haven't even taken you for a turn on the dancefloor! Let's correct that, shall we?"

Alastor began dragging her towards the circle of demon couples waltzing to classical music.

"Wait!" Tina planted her heels firmly to the floor. "I can't."

Her husband stopped and raised an eyebrow. "Of course, you can. We've danced together before."

She bit her lip. "Not a _waltz_."

He glanced at the waltzing demons. "But our wedding—"

"That was different. That was to a jazz ballad. Not this…classical stuff." Her eyes shifted about. "And not with all these fancy rich people watchin'."

Then he understood. It wasn't the dance itself, but the sophisticated atmosphere. Tina had barely said a word all evening, contrary to her usual badmouth, opinionated attitude. She was afraid of embarrassing herself in front of these upper-class souls. Alastor's lips fell over his teeth, forming a much gentler smile.

"You needn't feel like you need to prove yourself to these people, darling." He cupped her chin. "Remember, you and I didn't need to be _born_ into fame and fortune. We _worked_ for it. So, if anything," he said with a boop to her nose, " _we_ deserve to be here more than _them_.

"And besides, you're on _my_ arm now." He took the hand that held the ruby engagement ring with a radio emblem carved in the center. "If anyone so much as utters an unkind word towards you, they will have _me_ to answer to."

Tina gave a soft smile.

"There we are." Alastor kissed her knuckles, just above her ring. "Now you're the _true_ belle of this ball."

He then pulled her into a waltz. This time, Tina didn't protest. As they danced the night away, they slowly forgot about everyone else there. The only company that mattered to them that evening was each other's.

* * *

"This asshole bothering you again?" Vaggie said, snapping Alastor out of his flashback.

"No." Tina glanced his way before walking up to Vaggie. "Just takin' up space."

Alastor tried not to betray the hurt on his face. Insults, he could handle. Acting like he wasn't even there was another matter.

"So, Tina." Vaggie pulled her in close and held up her clipboard. "I'm not so confident about this group you've sent us. I mean…" She read off her list. "Psychiatrist who slept with her own patients? Joined a cult and died in a suicide pact? _Twincest_?!"

"I said they were well-behaved. I didn't say they were _perfect_. What, did ya expect saints or something?" Tina leaned in to whisper, "But yeah, ya might wanna keep an eye on Dinah and Dana."

Vaggie lowered her clipboard. "These aren't just sinners. They're mentally unstable."

Tina shrugged. "Ya can't very well rehabilitate people who are _stable_. What sets these folks apart from most sinners down here is that they actually _wanna_ change. Take Dr. Cougarton, for instance."

Tina pointed to the lioness talking to the Dicto twins over by the buffet table. "She's worked with sex addicts for years and only recently discovered she's a sex addict herself due to her inability to form an emotional connection. Sure, she's still as flirtatious as fuck, but since she started workin' for me, she's learned the meanin' of consent. And now takes her addiction _outside_ her one-on-one sessions, so it's less inappropriate.

"As for the twins…well, yeah. Their relationship ain't ideal. But due to an absentee father and neglectful mother, they're all each other's had. And yeah, they took that bond a tad too far. All the same, they never hurt anybody."

Tina turned Vaggie around towards the muscular hellhound guarding the doors. "Hildegard over there has some anger management issues. But workin' as a bodyguard helps her channel that anger into something productive. Now instead of randomly attackin' people, she only attacks in defense."

"Okay, I get it." Vaggie stepped back. "But I don't see how they're going to get to Heaven if they continue to make, uh, certain people uncomfortable."

"Like I said." Tina crossed her arms. "Have a problem, talk to Demon Resources."

As she said this, Carrie Canary re-entered the ballroom. Hildegard sneered at her. Carrie squealed and dropped her stack of papers. She stammered incomprehensively as she scrambled to pick the sheets off the floor.

"Yeah." Vaggie rolled her eyes. "She's _real_ good at confrontation."

While Vaggie went to help Carrie with her papers, Alastor walked up to Tina.

"Don't take Vagatha's attitude personally, darling. She's that way with _everyone_! Except for Miss Charlotte, of course."

"She and I aren't that different, then," Tina said.

She still didn't meet his eyes. Alastor wished she would make more of an effort to converse with him. They used to have such fun together. If only there were a way to remind her of that.

He scanned the room for something to talk about. The food had nearly run out and demons were yawning all around. Some were slumped against the wall, examining cracks in the ceiling.

Then his eyes fell upon the piano on the stage and an audible ding went off.

"I know that sound." Tina turned back to Alastor. "Ya've got some dumb idea cookin' up in that noggin of yours, don't ya?"

"As a matter of fact, I do." He made sure Vaggie had left the ballroom with the next interviewee before continuing. "Looks like your underlings could use some entertainment."

She noted the bored expressions surrounding her. "They _have_ been waitin' a while." When she looked back at her husband, he was staring at her eagerly. "What?"

Alastor cocked his head. "I'm surprised, dear. You used to jump at any opportunity to entertain."

"Oh." She bit her lip. "Well, uh, that was before—"

"What say we perform one of our old routines?" Alastor threw his arm around her. "Like we did back in the day at Mimzy's?"

Tina blushed when she recalled how Mimzy had gotten her and Alastor to perform a few duets as a way to spice up the evening act.

"I'm not sure that's," Tina said, pushing him back, "appropriate right now." She glanced around, hoping no one had seen that brief moment of physical contact between them. "Everyone here knows ya as my ex."

"Come now, dear." Alastor took her hands. "We sang together _long_ before we considered ourselves lovers! Why should this time be any different?"

Tina withdrew her hands and finally met his eyes. Although Alastor kept up his smile, the sadness in his gaze was unmistakable.

"Fight me all you want, _mon amour_." He remained composed, placing his hands behind his back. "But if we are to be working together, at some point, we'll have to cooperate."

"I know." She rubbed the back of her neck. "The thing is, it's been a while since—"

"I think you'll enjoy the routine I have in mind!"

She looked at him suspiciously. "Which one?"

Instead of answering, Alastor disappeared into the shadows and reappeared at the piano onstage. He diddled across the keyboard to check that it was in tune. Heads turned at the sudden musical cue.

"And now, ladies and gentle-demons!" Alastor said, his voice amplified despite his microphone being nowhere in sight. "While you're waiting for your rooms to be ready, please enjoy this exclusive performance from myself and my oh, so talented wife!"

The lights suddenly dimmed and a spotlight shone on Tina.

" _Ex_ -wife," she grumbled, pulling the brim of her hat over her face.

A second spotlight shone on Alastor as he went on with his introduction. "This song is a bit after my time, but I know it's a favorite of my sweetheart's." He winked Tina's way. "And it is always a _treat_ to sing alongside her."

Tina lifted the brim of her hat to send a glare. "Play that piano, and you're dead."

" _She loves me,_ " Alastor sang as he played a soft chord, " _she loves me not_."

"Oh, no." Her hat went back down. "Not _that_ song."

" _She loves me, she loves me not_."

That's what Tina got for introducing him to Elvis.

" _She loves me_ ," Alastor continued, now playing staccato chords with more vigor, " _she loves me, she loves me!_ "

The song was meant to be soft rock, but he played it in a more ragtime style. Guitar and saxophone accompaniment came from seemingly nowhere as Alastor picked up the pace.

" _The lady loves me and it shows.  
_ _In spite of the way she turns up her nose.  
_ _I'm her ideal, her heart's desire._ "

Alastor held out his palm, conjuring up a heart-shaped ice cube. " _Under that ice she's burning like fire._ "

The heart burst into flames, which earned several oohs from the audience. Tina shook her head and turned to leave. But Alastor extended his arm like elastic, snagged her by the waist and pulled her up onto the bench. He didn't need his other hand to play, as the required keys played on their own.

" _She'd like to cuddle up to me._ "

Despite her growling, he pressed his cheek to hers. " _She's playing hard to get._ "

As if to emphasize the line, Tina slapped him and jumped off the bench.

" _The lady loves me._ " Alastor watched her retreat as he rubbed his sore cheek. " _But she doesn't know it yet._ "

He winked at the audience. They responded with laughs and fangirl screams. Tina put her hands on her hips. She couldn't believe how okay they all were with Alastor practically harassing her onstage!

"Dear, it's your cue," he whispered.

Then Tina remembered her part in the song and grinned mischievously. This was the perfect opportunity for revenge.

She touched her brooch and sang as she ran her hand along the piano:

" _The gentleman has savoir-faire,  
_ _As much as an elephant—_ "

She slammed her backside into the piano and the lid fell shut. "— _or a bear._ "

Tina hopped on top of the instrument and locked eyes with Alastor. " _I'd like to take him for a spin._ "

She curled her finger for him to come closer..

" _Back to the zoo—_ " Just as he leaned in, she pushed him back. " _—to visit his kin._ "

Tina faced the audience. " _He's got about as much appeal—_ "

She held up to fingers to her mouth as if she were smoking.

" _As a soggy cigarette.  
_ _The lady loathes him_."

She mimed flicking the cigarette in Alastor's direction and then wagged her finger. " _But he doesn't know it yet._ "

The audience hooted and hollered. They were really eating up this love-hate routine. Just as the crowd at Mimzy's used to.

It took all of Alastor's willpower not to turn into putty at the sound of Tina's voice. For ten years, he'd only heard her sing on a record player. It was even more heavenly than he remembered, stronger too. She didn't need a microphone to amplify her voice like back in the day. He then noticed a faint red light pulsing from that amethyst brooch of hers.

He'd wondered about that brooch. It must've had some kind of magic connected to her voice. He would have to ask about it later, as his cue was coming up.

Alastor rose from his seat, letting the piano continue on its own, as he made his way around to Tina, his spotlight following him. " _The lady's got a crush on me._ "

" _The gentleman's crazy_ ," Tina sang, circling her finger beside her head, " _obviously_."

Alastor took her hand. " _The lady's dying to be kissed._ "

She wrenched her hand back before it could reach his lips. " _The gentleman needs a psychiatrist._ "

Tina winked and pointed at Dr. Cougarton, who laughed.

" _I'd rather kiss a rattlesnake_." Tina stuck out her tongue. " _Or play Russian roulette_."

She put a finger gun to her temple and simulated pulling the trigger.

" _The lady loves me_." Alastor began putting his arm around her, only for her to jump off the piano. " _But she doesn't know it yet._ "

Angel Dust watched the performance from the buffet table, a glass of punch in one hand, a shortbread cookie in another. Despite the lyrics of the songs and Tina's actions, it was obvious in her expression that she was enjoying this. Even when she made a show of rejecting Alastor's advances, he didn't convey the least bit of annoyance, but rather looked at her with that half-lidded gaze of admiration.

Perhaps Niffty was going to win the bet after all. But with _this_ flirt show, Angel Dust didn't really care if he lost fifty bucks.

Tina walked across the stage with her hands on her hips. Alastor followed her as he sang the next verse:

" _She's falling fast, she's on the skids._ "

" _Both of his heads_ —" Tina flew up to flick his forehead. "— _are flippin' their lids_."

" _Tonight she'll hold me—_ " He stepped behind her and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her head. "— _in her arms_."

She swept up her arms to push his off. " _I'd rather be holdin' hydrogen bombs_."

Tina dramatically adjusted her bust on the last two words. The audience erupted with whistles and squeals.

" _Will someone tell this Romeo  
_ _I'm not his Juliet?_ "

" _The lady loves me._ " Alastor wagged his finger. " _But she doesn't know it yet._ "

At this point, Charlie and Vaggie had walked in, ready to call the next interviewees. Then they saw what was happening onstage. Vaggie looked to her girlfriend for an explanation, but she only shrugged. Neither of them made a move to stop it, as everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Back onstage, Alastor conjured up a bouquet of lilies and presented them to Tina. " _She wants me_."

" _Like poison ivy_." Tina swiped the bouquet and threw them into the crowd. Ladies scrambled to catch it.

Alastor slid to the other side of Tina. " _Needs me_."

" _Like a hole in the head._ " She knocked the side of her skull.

He snatched up her hand and led her into a twirl. " _Everyone can see she's got it bad!_ "

He dipped her on the last word. Tina rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, he's mad!"

She straightened up, pushed him off and headed back towards the piano. " _The gentleman is an egotist._ "

" _I'm simply aware—_ " Alastor slicked back his hair. "— _I'm hard to resist_."

" _He's one man I could learn to hate._ " Tina gagged and pointed to her hanging tongue.

Then the Radio Demon materialized on the piano behind her, lying on his stomach with his feet in the air. His elbows were propped up, his chin resting on his interlocked fingers.

" _How's about having dinner at eight?_ " he sang with a wink.

Tina flew up onto the piano, standing over him.

" _I'd rather dine with Frankenstein_.  
 _In a moonlight_ _tête-à-tête_."

She kicked him in the side, sending him rolling off the piano. He landed on the keyboard with a discordant _clang!_

" _The lady lo-oves me_ ," Alastor sang dizzily as he cradled his head. " _But she doesn't know it yet._ "

Regaining his composure, he stood back up and smoothed out his jacket. " _Oh yes, she loves me._ "

Tina jerked her thumb towards him as she spoke to the audience. "Dig that shrinkin' violet."

She flapped her wings and advanced on Alastor. The dangerous look in her eyes gave him the good sense to back up, not realizing he was headed for the edge of the stage.

His voice grew more nervous with every note. " _Oh, she really loves me_."

Tina smirked, placing her hand on his chest. " _Here's one gal you'll never get._ "

She pushed him over the edge. Alastor's arms flailed as he fell backward, but he somehow managed to land on his feet. The crowd parted as he continued to back away from the incoming bat.

" _She love, love,_ _loves me_."

Tina crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "Would ya like to make a bet?"

Alastor's back hit the buffet table. The punch bowl sloshed behind him.

" _I said, 'the lady_ —'" He gulped as she placed her arms on either side of him, trapping him. "' _l-loves me_.'"

A heavy blush rose to Alastor's cheeks as Tina leaned in, their noses almost touching. Behind his back, she reached for an empty glass and dipped it into the punch. He was too flustered to notice.

Then she sang the last line: " _The gentleman's all wet._ "

Alastor figured out her plan a second too late. Tina recoiled and splashed the glass of punch in his face. The crowd burst into fits of laughter and applause.

"You were right, Al." Tina put the glass back on the table. "I _did_ enjoy that."

The Songbat turned to the audience and bowed. Across the room, Charlie and Vaggie stood with their mouths agape.

"Okay, I was wrong." Vaggie shook her head. "She _doesn't_ need us to protect her from him."

"Told ya. That dame can handle herself."

Charlie and Vaggie turned, surprised to find Husk standing there.

"Where've _you_ been all day?" Vaggie asked.

"Hangover." Husk held up a bottle. "Where else?"

Meanwhile, Tina was taking compliments from her employees. Alastor still stood frozen at the buffet table, fruit punch dripping down his face and staining his jacket. Angel Dust came up to him, clutching his stomach with his lower hands, an upper hand holding out a napkin.

"Oh boy, Smiles!" Angel wiped away a tear with his free hand. "Ya sure know how to pick 'em! That was _hilarious_! Too bad your little romantic ploy was thwarted with punch!"

"On the contrary, Angel." The lids fell over Alastor's eyes. "I got exactly what I wanted."

Angel stopped laughing and followed the Radio Demon's gaze. Naturally, it was on Tina, who was talking and giggling with her employees.

"I got my lovely wife to smile again." Alastor took the napkin from Angel to dry himself off. "Which made _this_ all worth it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man I wish I had more to go on with Vox.


	6. Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the author tries so hard to write about cooking when she knows very little about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad news: in quarantine again. Good news: got more time to write.
> 
> Many of you brought up concerns in the last chapter about Alastor and Tina's relationship. I can assure you, I know exactly what I'm doing here, and if they didn't have problems, there would be no story. And their dynamic here is somewhat inspired by La Muerte and Xibalba's relationship in "The Book of Life."
> 
> Song for this chapter (at least the second half): "Say Something" by A Great Big World.
> 
> Also, I've decided to make my playlist for this fic series available to everyone who wants to hear all the songs that inspire this fic: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLR_uUTulZ0wBlBVS3JJTCKX65kUveFlLq

"I do _not_ require a kitchen staff!" Alastor crossed his arms and sneered at the ten demonesses lined up in the kitchen. "I'm perfectly capable of making dinner on my own!"

"Come on, Al," Charlie said, trying to mediate the situation. "Everyone here has the experience. And if you're going to be cooking for a hundred and fifty people, you're going to need some help."

"Nope!" Alastor turned away and held up a finger. "This kitchen is organized in a very particular manner and I will _not_ have anyone disrupt it!"

"Tina's right," a green demoness with leaves for hair whispered to the girl next to her. "He _is_ a pompous bastard."

Static crackled as Alastor's eyes snapped towards the leafy-haired woman. "What did you say your name was?"

The rest of the kitchen staff stepped aside, leaving the poor girl to quiver in the Radio Demon's shadow. "R-Rosemary?"

Alastor bent down, much too close to Rosemary's sweating face. "If your name is anything to go by, you _could_ help by offering up your scalp as a salad."

"Al, stop!" Charlie pulled Rosemary back. "You're scaring her."

Alastor straightened up and walked down the line of ladies. "Further proof that these spineless, tasteless amateurs aren't fit to be in my kitchen! Look at this!" He took a long strand of black hair from a pink succubus. "This one didn't even bother to tie her hair back! It'll be all over the food if it doesn't catch fire first!"

One of the other demonesses quickly handed the succubus an extra scrunchie before she could cry.

"And _this_ one—" Alastor pointed to a short, red imp. "—is as skinny as a twig! Like she hasn't eaten a day in her life!"

The imp sized up his skinny form. "But you're—"

"And talks back to the boss too!" Alastor shook his head. "No, no, no. This simply won't do!"

"Y-You haven't even tasted our cooking yet," Rosemary whimpered.

"I've seen enough!" He waved his hand. "Remove these disgraces to the culinary arts from my sight!"

"But Al, I've already hired them," Charlie said. "Filed their paperwork and everything."

"Don't care! I refuse to share my sacred cooking space with anyone! And that is—"

"Thought ya'd be causin' problems in here," the Songbat said as she entered the kitchen.

Alastor spun on his heel and grinned brightly at her. She had removed her hat and donned an apron, which clashed with her flapper dress but she didn't have anything else.

"Tina, darling!" He clapped his hands together. "Delighted as always to see you! Have you come to assist me with dinner?"

The new members of the kitchen staff shared confused looks.

"I'm here to make sure _you_ ," Tina said, poking him in the chest, "don't sneak any suspicious meat into the food."

" _Moi_?" Alastor dramatically put a hand over his heart. "Now when have I ever played a cruel joke like that?"

Tina placed her hands on her hips. "Wilbur Adelman?"

"Ah-ah-ah!" He held up a finger. "He wasn't in _your_ dish, remember?"

The Songbat looked over at the quivering demonesses. "You weren't just harassin' my employees, were ya, Al?"

All ten of them nodded. Alastor narrowed his eyes and grumbled, "Snitches."

"I-It was just an honest disagreement," Charlie said, forcing a laugh. "Al wanted to cook dinner on his own, but I already promised these girls jobs in the kitchen."

"That so?" Tina glanced at her husband. "Well, if Al doesn't need help, I guess there's no point in _me_ bein' here."

She was about to walk back out the door when Alastor called, "Wait!"

Tina turned back to him with a smirk. "Yeah?"

Alastor scowled at his wife. She knew very well he was desperate to spend time with her. And he wouldn't resort to magic for the massive food order, as he had told her food that hadn't been properly nurtured with time and care wasn't worth consuming. Years of living with the Radio Demon had taught the Songbat the art of manipulation. He both hated and loved her for it.

"I _suppose_ ," Alastor said, clenching his fists at his sides, "it would go along faster if I had _extra hands_."

"Excellent!" Charlie clapped her hands. "Looks like you've got everything under control here! I'll see you all at dinner!"

The Princess pushed through the swinging doors, leaving the new recruits to the mercy of the Radio Demon, who by a warning glare was at the mercy of the Songbat.

"Alright." Tina faced the staff. "We got a hundred fifty demons to feed, so we're gonna need somethin' we can make a lot of within two hours. Any ideas?"

Before anyone could open their mouths, Alastor held up a finger. "No need for that! I've already planned our main course for tonight! Gumbo!"

Tina scowled. "We're supposed to be a team here, Al. Ya can't make all the—"

"My kitchen, my rules! Besides, I already bought all the ingredients."

Tina crossed her arms. "Fine. We'll make the gumbo."

Rosemary raised her hand. "Is that vegan?"

Alastor squinted at the leafy-haired girl. "I knew I didn't like you."

Rosemary's shoulders slumped as she hid behind her colleagues.

"Of course, Rosemary, we can make a batch without meat." Tina elbowed her husband in the side. " _Right_ , Al?"

Alastor rolled his eyes. "If your tastebuds can handle the blasphemy, _dear_."

"Good." Tina looked around. "We got six stoves in here, so this should work. Al, if you would write down a copy of the recipe for everyone so we can—"

"Share my mother's secret recipe for gumbo?!" Alastor's eyes glowed red. "Never!"

Tina groaned. "Come on, Al, how are they supposed to help out if they don't know the recipe?"

"Nope!" He crossed his arms and turned away. "I draw the line at exposing my mother's secrets to a bunch of amateurs!"

The new recruits sent him glares, but were too afraid to speak up.

"Sweet Jesus, Al." Tina facepalmed. "Why ya gotta be such a big baby sometimes?"

"Mother entrusted me with that recipe!" Alastor stuck up his nose. "I take it to the grave and beyond!"

Tina didn't remark how he had once shared the recipe with her, but it had been so long, she didn't remember all the steps. Aside from that, if Alastor wasn't willing to collaborate, they were never going to get dinner done in time. Tina regretted bringing her girls here, as she had promised them work, only to be snubbed by her psychotic ex.

If ten years with Alastor had taught her anything, it was that he was very stubborn. Once he had his mind set on something, it was nearly impossible to change it.

Well, there was _one_ way. Tina loathed to do it, but everyone was counting on dinner to be served.

She took a deep breath and said in a childlike voice, " _Pwease_ , Al?"

Tina laid a hand on his elbow. He stiffened and turned his head towards her. Her violet eyes were wide and glossy, her lip curled in a puppy-dog pout.

"For _me_?"

Alastor's face flushed a deep crimson. "I-I know what you're trying to do, and it won't—"

" _Pwetty pwease_?" Tina batted her eyes as she slid a hand onto his chest, fiddling with his lapel.

His ears fell flat against his skull. He tried backing away, but she stepped along with him.

"D-Darling." His back hit the sink and he gripped the edge for support. "People are _watching_."

" _Pwetty, pwetty pwease_?" She traced a finger down his front, her other hand moving up to his shoulder. "With a whole lotta demon chunks on top?"

Alastor stared down at her, his shoulders shaking. He knew she was just trying to manipulate the situation and wasn't serious. All the same, he couldn't resist those big, pleading eyes and that adorable little pout. He also knew that if he didn't cave, she would continue embarrassing him in front of these strangers. Already, they were whispering their speculations.

Then Alastor realized the one tiny flaw in her plan and his ears perked up.

"Nice try, _chère_!" He covered her face with his hand and shoved her back. "But you said you didn't want to get back together, so your little seduction techniques are without credibility!"

Tina dropped the nice girl act and scowled. She had tried the easy way, but he'd left her with no other choice but to resort to the hard way.

She reached up and grabbed Alastor's ear, yanking him down to her level.

"Ow, ow, ow!"

At that moment, Vaggie peered into the kitchen, unseen. When Charlie had told her Alastor was giving the new staff a hard time, Vaggie wanted to give him a piece of her mind.

But Tina had beat her to it.

"Listen here, ya fuckin' mama's boy," Tina growled into her husband's ear. "You're gonna share that gumbo recipe so these nice girls can get to work. And if ya refuse to cooperate like a good little team member, I'm gonna rip off those antlers and use 'em to stir the gumbo! We clear?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Alastor's voice came out squeaky like a frightened child, but on the inside, he was admiring the threatening tone in her voice and the furious look in her eyes. It didn't matter if she was pleading or pummeling him. She was _beautiful_.

"Good." Tina smiled as she released him and faced the bewildered staff. "Let's get started then, shall we?"

Vaggie suppressed a snicker as she backed out and closed the door. The Songbat had everything under control.

Alastor rubbed his sore ear, blushing once again. _God, I love that woman!_

"Al?" Tina said. "The recipe?"

He shook his head and snapped his fingers. A sheet of paper appeared in each demonesses' hands. Alastor went on to explain the particulars of the recipe, but the ladies found it difficult to pay attention as he did this while shedding his jacket.

Although the Radio Demon was a lean man, his broad shoulders called attention to his masculinity. And when he rolled up his sleeves, the ladies gasped at the thin but muscular arms. Alastor prattled on, not noticing their fawning.

But Tina noticed. Even Rosemary was blushing heavily as he pulled back his long, fluffy hair to tie it. The ladies were seeing him as less of a dangerous Overlord, and more as a _man_.

Tina clenched her hands into fists. A minute ago, these girls were cowering in fear of Alastor, and now they were swooning over him. Right in front of his wife too!

Tina quickly shook her head. No, she was _not_ getting jealous over this. She had no right to anymore. And besides, Alastor wouldn't pay them any mind.

Then the new recruits suddenly squealed in delight. Tina followed their gaze and gasped. Alastor was hanging up his jacket on a hook, taking down a red apron. His back was to them, and without his jacket to conceal it, his fluffy little deer tail was sticking out of his trousers.

He must've forgotten. Alastor was so used to working in the kitchen alone. It had taken ages for him to even let his wife see the most adorable part of his body. Now he was unknowingly flaunting it in front of ten other women he didn't even know.

That was the last straw for Tina. Just as Alastor was putting the apron on, she bolted forward, reached out and shoved that tail down his pants and out of view. Alastor was so startled, he pulled the tie of his apron too tight, and would've suffocated if he actually needed to breathe.

There was a loud record scratch and the new staff members gasped in horror. Static filled the room and Tina finally processed what she had done.

No matter how accustomed to Tina's touch Alastor had grown over the years, his tail would forever remain _off limits_.

His head turned slowly, the joints in his neck cracking. His eyes glowed as they narrowed down at the Songbat.

"Tina, dear." His smile became more twisted and sadistic. "Did you just _grope my tail_?"

"N-No, I…" Tina held up her hands and backed away. "It wasn't like that, I swear! I was just—"

"Because if you _did_ ," he said in tone that was both threatening and playful as he fully faced her, "you know what happens when you _touch me in places I don't like_."

Alastor held up his hand, curling his fingers in a claw-like manner as he advanced on her.

"Al." Tina tripped backwards and caught herself on a counter. "L-Let's not be hasty now. Not in front of—"

" _Remember our agreement_ ," he said in a singsong voice.

She hated when he used her own deal against her. If one of them did something the other didn't like, the other had the right to retaliate. Tina had added that clause to their marriage pact to protect herself from Alastor's wrath. But it didn't protect her when _she_ was the offender.

The others were too scared of the Radio Demon to do anything. At least they weren't caught up in his looks anymore.

Before Alastor could reach her, Tina grabbed a carving knife from a block and pointed it at his throat.

"Don't even think about it," she said.

Alastor stared down at the blade, then at her. Then he chuckled and lowered the tip of the knife with his finger.

"Later, then." He turned back to the stunned staff and clapped his hands. "Alright, that's enough dillydallying! Grab an apron and a pair of gloves, ladies! Chop, chop! Let's get a move on!"

* * *

Preparations for dinner were underway and Alastor was perfectly cooperative with the new kitchen staff. For the first five minutes.

"Roll up those sleeves! Keep those arms close to the body! Miss Rikki," he said, pointing to the long-haired succubus, "I better not see any loose hairs in that dish!"

He stopped behind Rosemary, who shivered under his shadow. She was stirring the roux, a mixture of flour and oil that was the key to making gumbo.

"No, no, no!" Alastor turned the dial on the stove. "It's medium- _low_ heat, not _medium_ heat!"

"S-Sorry," Rosemary said, pausing in her stirring.

"Don't stop stirring!"

Rosemary squeaked and slumped her shoulders.

"And don't hover so close to the pot!" Alastor forced her chin up. "Unless you'd like to boil your face off!"

He left Rosemary alone. Tina went up and patted her shoulder.

"Back straight, sweetie," Tina said reassuringly.

Alastor's next victim was the imp, Gertie, who was on vegetable duty. "No, no, no! That is _not_ the way you mince mushrooms!"

He grabbed the knife from Gertie and twirled it in his hand. "Observe."

With lightning speed, Alastor chopped up the mushrooms, the knife and hand blurring with every motion. Gertie watched with her mouth agape, her eyes unable to catch up.

"See? Simple!" He gave the knife another twirl before handing it back to her. "Now you try!"

When she didn't take it back, Alastor picked up her hand and placed the knife in it. Then he moved on to inspect the next girl, leaving Gertie to stare at the knife.

"Uh…"

"Here, hon." Tina wrapped her arms around Gertie and guided her slowly in mincing the next set of mushrooms. "Just keep your slicin' steady and swift."

Once Alastor was finished with his critique, he went to cut the sausages. The meat was the one thing he didn't trust the others with. Tina was stuck with the stove nearest to him as she dumped the rice for the side-dish into a boiling pot.

"Ya always were a slavedriver in the kitchen," she remarked.

"I know what I like and will have it no other way." Alastor sent her a smirk. "Why do you think I married you?"

Tina rolled her eyes. "Just pass me the salt, will ya?"

He handed her the salt shaker and she stirred it in with the rice.

"Well, would ya look at that?" Tina pointed to the label on the shaker. "Still takin' my advice and labelin' everything?"

Alastor took the shaker from her. "You've learned some things from me, I've learned some things from you."

Tina cracked a smile as she continued stirring the rice.

"No butter?" Alastor asked.

"Nah," Tina said. "It ain't vegan and since it's not necessary, it'd be easier to just make one batch of rice than one with butter and one without."

Alastor huffed. "Did that _Rosemary_ put you up to this?"

"Be nice, Al. That girl's been through a lot."

"She's in Hell, how is _that_ supposed to gain my sympathy?"

Tina glanced back at Rosemary to make sure she was far enough away. Then she whispered to Alastor, "Up top, she fell in with an ecoterrorist group."

He cocked his head. "Eco-what?"

She forgot sometimes how old he was. "They fight to help the environment, but through violence. Rosemary's friends blew up a power plant one night with her inside."

"Hmm." Alastor returned to slicing sausages. "Still don't like her. Although the irony of doing the wrong thing for the right reason is amusing to hear."

Tina groaned. "Well, you're gonna have to be nice to my employees if ya expect me to be even _remotely_ nice to _you_."

Alastor's grin widened at the small prospect of hope in that statement. It seemed Tina's temperament had mellowed after their little tussle earlier. At the very least, she was speaking to him civilly again.

No one noticed the kitchen doors creaking open and Niffty and Angel Dust poking their heads through. They were eager to see if which one of them would be winning the bet concerning Alastor and Tina.

"Well, if you're not going to add any butter," Alastor said, peering over Tina's shoulder at the pot of rice, "you should at least add—"

"Basil?" Tina already had the shaker in hand.

Alastor blinked. "Y-Yes. But also some—"

"Thyme?" she said without looking up. "Could ya grab that for me?"

He took the thyme shaker off the spice rack and handed it to her. Alastor then got a pan to cook the shrimp.

"I've taught you well," he said, placing a stick of butter in the pan. It didn't matter, as the vegans weren't going to eat the shrimp anyway.

Tina scoffed and shook her head. "With the way ya harp on my girls, I don't know how I survived ten years of cookin' with ya."

"And look at how much you've improved as a result!"

"I wasn't _that_ bad."

Alastor raised an eyebrow. "When we met, you couldn't tell your basil from your oregano!"

Tina giggled. "Ya have to admit, they look pretty similar."

"Dear, where did I put that bucket of shrimp?"

"On the counter there, hon." She pointed the stirring spoon over her shoulder. "While you're at it, can ya get me a strainer? Don't know my way round this kitchen."

"Certainly, darling!" Alastor opened a high cupboard and got a large, metal strainer. "Here you go!"

"Thanks."

In the kitchen entryway, Angel looked down at Niffty. "Ain't they supposed to be fightin'?"

Niffty shook her head. "Kitchen's neutral ground for 'em. Tina's the only one Al will ever cook with as he's a stickler when it comes to food. He won't even let _me_ touch the stove."

When one of the new staff members looked their way, Angel and Niffty quickly ducked out of sight.

As the cooking process went on, Alastor and Tina continued to work in surprising harmony. Much to the relief of the rest of the chefs. They didn't fear the Radio Demon so much when their longtime boss was present.

Tina couldn't deny the familiarity she was feeling, cooking alongside Alastor again. She found herself glancing at him from time to time, taking in the sight of him in that silly old apron of his that said "Don't Kiss the Cook." She had forgotten how much she liked seeing this domestic side of him. This side that made him seem more human.

Alastor looked her way and Tina snapped her gaze back to her pot of gumbo. Ten years on her own had made her smarter and harder. She was not going to fall prey to his charms again. No matter how nostalgic the situation was.

Then Tina felt a gentle but firm pinch on her behind. She squeaked and slapped Alastor's hand.

"The hell was that for?"

"Payback, dear. Remember?" Alastor chuckled as he nonchalantly stirred his gumbo. "Now we're even."

* * *

By dinnertime, each chef had a pot of gumbo ready. They waited anxiously in two lines for Alastor's verdict as he tasted each one.

"Not enough salt! Another shot of tabasco! Too much pepper!"

Alastor stopped in front of Rosemary, who kept her gaze to the floor. He eyed the steaming pot on the counter beside her. Then he picked up the stirring spoon, scooped it into the gumbo, and took a sip. Rosemary watched anxiously as he smacked his lips, saying nothing for a long moment.

"Adequate." He set down the spoon. "Though meatless."

Rosemary released the breath she'd been holding in. Rikki the succubus patted her on the back and whispered, "Good job."

"And last but not least…"

Alastor came excitedly to Tina's pot at the end of the line. But she was too busy loading the rice onto the cart to await his seal of approval.

" _Mwah!_ " Alastor kissed his fingers. " _C'est délicieux à la perfection_ , _mon amour_! I expected nothing less from you!"

"Starting to suspect nepotism here," Gertie whispered.

She squealed as Alastor materialized in front of her. "Don't believe me? Taste it yourself."

He stuck a spoonful of Tina's gumbo into the imp's mouth. She nearly choked, but once she'd swallowed it, she took a moment to savor the taste.

"Damn, that _is_ good." Gertie looked over at Tina. "Boss, why didn't you tell us you were such a good cook?"

Tina shrugged. "Never came up."

Alastor turned to his wife with a raised eyebrow. "You don't cook for your employees?"

Before Tina could answer, Charlie entered the kitchen and inhaled the scent of gumbo.

"Mmm, smells good you guys!" The Princess rubbed the back of her neck. "So, uh, as much as I'd like you all to serve the guests, there's one teeny problem I didn't consider until now. We only have the one dining table, and I don't want everyone eating on the floor or in their rooms, so…"

She looked hopefully up at the Radio Demon. "Is there anything you can do about that, Al?"

Alastor glanced at Tina, who gave him a stern look with her arms crossed.

He sighed as he left the kitchen. "I have to do _everything_ around here."

By the time the staff came out with the food, the dining room had transformed. The long table had been pushed closer to the wall to make room for five round tables, each large enough to seat ten. Another table was added beside the kitchen door to hold the dishes, silverware and glasses, so the guests could serve themselves.

"This satisfactory?" Alastor said from the middle of the room, holding his arms out.

He was looking at Tina, but Charlie was the one to answer, "This is perfect, Al! Thank you!"

The dining room was flooded with demons as soon as dinner was announced. They were hungry and had been standing around the ballroom all day, so they were more than happy to get a place to sit an eat.

The original crew sat at the long table, along with some of the new staff. Tina strategically placed Hildegard and Carrie Canary on either side of her. Alastor narrowed his eyes at the hellhound, who growled in return. Although the canary was too timid to even look his way, the Radio Demon didn't dare risk setting the nearby hellhound off. He regretted ever telling Tina his extreme dislike of canines.

Alastor shrugged and instead took the seat directly across from Tina. It was better to watch her from this angle anyway. She tried to ignore him as Charlie pitched ideas for the hotel.

"Since we have demons from so many backgrounds, we should plan some group activities! They'll be less inclined to do bad if they've got a harmless hobby to keep them busy!"

"Ha-ha-ha!" Alastor shook his head. "If that were enough to stop sinners from sinning, I would've stopped murdering _ages_ ago!"

"He's right," Tina said, poking at her rice. "When Al's not learnin' a new instrument, he's killin' and eatin' demons."

Carrie Canary looked at the meat in her gumbo and stood up. "I th-think I'll get the v-vegan dish."

Alastor eyed the now empty seat beside Tina. He was about to get up and take advantage of the situation when Hildegard slammed her paw on the table, rattling the dishes. She locked gaze with Alastor and shook her head.

"Where'd you pick up this," Alastor said with a sneer, " _delightful_ bodyguard, Tina dear?"

"She started a brawl in my club," Tina said, still not looking up. "Instead of kickin' her out, I offered her a job."

Hildegard snorted in Alastor's direction. "I know martial arts."

"Maybe you could teach a class!" Charlie exclaimed. "It'll get everyone's negative energy out, and teach them to defend themselves without killing!"

Hildegard raised an eyebrow at the Princess. "You really daughter of Devil?"

"While I highly doubt it'll make a difference in demons' behavior," Alastor said, "might I suggest a music class of some sort? Tina, you could give voice and or piano lessons! Or perhaps a comedy club?"

"How about an open mic night!" Charlie said. "Now that we've got the ballroom all set up, we could make it a weekly thing!"

"Might be too busy," Tina grumbled. "But Al knows more 'bout music than me."

Alastor leaned forward. "Oh, but you can't expect me to teach _every_ instrument to these sinners! I'll need you to take the load off! We could even work together on some new rou—"

Tina stabbed her rice. "No."

The corners of his mouth dropped an inch. "Come now, darling, I'm trying to be help—"

"Don't." She pointed her fork at him. "Besides, I don't really s—"

A scream and crash cut her off. Carrie Canary had slipped and dropped her bowl of vegan gumbo, spilling it all over the carpet.

"I'm s-so sorry!" She grabbed her napkin from the table and tried to soak up the stain. "I c-can be s-so clumsy!"

"Jesus Christ." Angel rolled his eyes.

Tina sighed and finally met Alastor's gaze. "Would ya?"

Alastor wordlessly snapped his fingers and restored Carrie's bowl into her hands, as if it had never broken in the first place.

"Th-Thank you!" Carrie squeaked, bowing her head.

"Anyway," Charlie said, "I was also thinking we could require the guests to take group therapy sessions twice or thrice a week. Give everyone a safe space to talk about their problems."

"I think that might be good for ya, Carrie," Tina said. "Of course, if you're not comfortable—"

"N-No." Carrie sat back down. "I th-think if I w-work things o-out, I m-might h-have a ch-chance at H-Heaven."

"You mean you believe?" Charlie's smile brightened.

"W-Well." Carrie touched the choker around her neck. "I d-deserve p-punishment for what I d-did—"

"Really?" Angel scoffed. "What a s-stammering k-klutz like you do to get to Hell? Run over a puppy? Step on a snail? Jaywalk?"

"H-Hanged myself."

An awkward silence fell over the table. Angel Dust shoved rice into his mouth, feeling guilty for bringing the subject up.

Once Alastor had finished eating, he dabbed his mouth with his napkin and stood from the table. "If you'll all excuse me for a moment, I'll fetch us dessert!"

"Dessert?" Tina looked up with a raised eyebrow. "When'd ya have the time to make dessert? I was with ya in the kitchen the whole time!"

He smirked. "I have my ways, darling."

Alastor reached over and booped Tina's nose. Hildegard snapped her jaw towards his hand, forcing him to retract it. He sent the hellhound one last angry glare before turning to Niffty.

"Niffty, be a dear and lend me hand, will you?"

Niffty quickly wiped her mouth and leaped off the chair. "Coming!"

Charlie waited for Alastor and Niffty to disappear behind the kitchen doors. Then she smiled at the Songbat.

"So, uh, Tina." Charlie stirred what was left of her gumbo, trying to look as innocent as possible. "Vaggie tells me you got Al to behave himself in the kitchen."

Tina hated that they were talking about Alastor again, but politely replied, "It's easy once ya know what buttons to push."

"That's the thing." Vaggie put down her spoon. "You _do_ know what buttons to push. And as I'm sure you're aware, Alastor can be…" She circled her hand towards the kitchen. "Difficult to work with."

Tina huffed as she brought a spoonful of gumbo to her lips. "Understatement of the century."

"Which is why," Charlie said, glancing at her girlfriend, "Vaggie and I were wondering if you'd be willing to…keep an eye on Al for us?"

Tina dropped her spoon and choked. Hildegard stood, ready to perform the Heimlich, but Tina held up her hand and picked up her glass of water to sip.

Once the Songbat had properly swallowed, she turned to the Princess. "I'm sorry. _What_?"

"Everyone else here is scared of him," Vaggie said, gesturing around.

Carrie Canary nodded while Hildegard held up a so-so sign.

"But _you_ aren't." Vaggie put her hands together and pointed them at Tina. "On top of that, he actually _listens_ to you. And is a lot less of a pest with you in the room."

Tina crossed her arms and slumped back in her chair. "So ya want me to babysit my ex-husband."

"Not _all_ the time!" Charlie waved her hand. "Just when he's around other staff and guests! They seem to be more comfortable with you around."

"It's t-true, M-Miss Twinkle," Carrie Canary said. "I kn-know you and the R-Radio Demon have a h-history, but—"

"You catch more flies with honey." Hildegard smashed her fists together. "If honey not work, I swat him."

"He _does_ seem to have a soft spot for ya," Angel said, pointing his fork and winking. "Can't deny that, can ya, toots?"

Tina looked at everyone in disbelief. "This some conspiratorial ploy to set me up with my ex?"

"No," Vaggie said firmly. "But he's been a pain in our necks for weeks, and we know of no other way to handle him. He won't bother the other guests if he's preoccupied with you."

"Preoccupied?"

Vaggie winced. "That came out wrong."

Tina straightened up. "So I'm just the sacrificial lamb for the Radio Demon to focus all his energy on?"

"We're not asking you to get back together with him," Charlie said slowly.

"Just let him harass me so he leaves everyone else alone."

"We know, it's a stupid idea." Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose. "But you could at least step in when he's—"

Tina slammed her hands onto the table. "Al's not my husband anymore! I ain't responsible for him!" She stood up so fast, she knocked her chair backward. "So stop tryin' to smush us together like we're a package deal!"

She eyed everyone, from Angel Dust to Charlie. "All of ya!"

Tina stormed out of the dining room, ignoring the questioning whispers from the other guests. As soon as she left, Alastor and Niffty came in with a cart of ten round, white-frosted cakes topped with candied fruit.

Charlie tried to pretend that nothing eventful had occurred. "Ooh, what kind of cake is that, Al?"

"Lane cake!" Alastor replied as he began slicing the cakes and placing them on plates. "A popular dessert in Alabama! Contains four layers of raisins, coconut, peaches, bourbon—"

Angel stood up and raised a hand. "I'm sold!"

"Is that…vegan?" Rosemary weakly called from her seat.

Alastor eyed her. "Sure."

Not hearing a comment from a certain someone, Alastor finally noticed the knocked over chair. "Where's Tina?"

Everyone at the long table either looked downward or up at the ceiling. Alastor gave a tired sigh.

"She left again, didn't she?"

Their silence was all the answer he needed.

* * *

Tina should've expected the "Shave and a Haircut" knock at her bedroom door.

"Don't ya ever quit, Al?"

"I bring a peace offering!" Alastor called from outside. "And I refuse to leave this spot until you accept it!"

Tina groaned as she draped a lavender shawl over her shoulders. Her wings made it difficult to wear jackets or robes, so she needed shawls to keep her warm. Not to mention she felt a little exposed in her nightgown, despite Alastor having seen her in it thousands of times.

She opened the door. Alastor stood there with a slice of lane cake in each hand. Tina had taught him to make it, insisting that he try it, even though he didn't normally like sweets. Strangely enough, he didn't mind lane cake so much. Maybe it was the bourbon. Nonetheless, he'd made one special cake without sugar, and with sour cherries instead of peaches. And he'd always eat it with her.

"You missed dessert," Alastor said.

"Ya ain't spendin' the night," Tina said.

"I wasn't asking." He held the slice with peaches out to her. "Can't we simply sit together and enjoy some cake like civilized demons?"

She snorted. "Bit of an oxymoron, don't ya think?"

There was disappointment in his eyes. "I was up all night baking these cakes so that _your_ employees would have dessert. The least you can do is be courteous enough to _try it_."

He was turning her own words, from when she'd first made lane cake for him, against her. Tina sighed and took the plate.

"Five minutes." She opened the door further and stepped back. "No funny business."

"Ha-ha!" Alastor ruffled her hair as he passed by. "I'll leave the funny business to the professionals, dear!"

Tina sent him a death glare as she shut the door. She was already regretting this.

She sat down on the loveseat in front of the fireplace. Thankfully, he didn't sit beside her, but settled in an armchair adjacent to the loveseat. They ate their cake in silence for the first minute.

The scene was familiar. They'd sat in a position like this the night Alastor had proposed. The only differences were that Tina didn't have her leg bandaged and they were having cake instead of tea and coffee. Once again, she was fuming to herself, tolerating his presence at most. And he was watching her, contemplating.

Tina had always been a stubborn little bat. When Alastor had rescued her from rapists and she'd cut her leg, she'd refused his help at first. Then she'd realized the foolishness of such resistance and allowed him to take her home and tend to her wounds. But that hadn't stopped her from voicing her strong opinions that would've put off most men. Alastor, however, had found them stimulating from the start.

He remembered the exact moment when he'd decided to make her his wife. When it was just the two of them, enjoying a hot beverage, and he could see himself sharing many more quiet moments like this with her. And here they were again, doing exactly that.

But in returning to the past, so had Tina's bitterness towards Alastor.

"I see you had no trouble finding your clothes," he said, gesturing to her shawl.

Tina glanced at him briefly. "Ya didn't have to get me a new wardrobe. I may have lost a lot, but I still got some money. I can buy my own clothes."

"They're not new." Alastor shook his head. "They're already yours. You left them at the manor."

"Oh." Her voice became softer. "Why'd ya wait so long to return 'em?"

He looked down at his plate. "I assumed you would come back for them."

Alastor took a bite of his cake. He didn't need to explain his reasons further.

Tina tried to dispel the awkwardness by keeping the small talk going. "The shoes look brand new though."

He swallowed. "Those are to make up for the nine other anniversaries we missed."

"Right." She bit her lip.

She didn't want to be cruel. Really, she didn't. No one in the hotel blamed her for wanting to get as far away from the Radio Demon as possible. But the fact of the matter was that Tina knew what kind of person Alastor was behind closed doors. The role of the doting husband wasn't just an act for him. When he wanted to, he could actually be caring, considerate, kind. A side he would show only for people that mattered to him.

Tina knew he was trying to remind her how great they used to be together. But it only added onto her growing guilt.

"I appreciate the peace offerin'." Tina put down her empty plate on the coffee table. "But this changes nothin'."

Alastor sighed and set his own, unfished plate down. "You're so naïve to think you can ward me off with your brashness and aloofness. Quite the contrary, dear." He stared at her with a half-lidded gaze. "It only makes me more determined."

Tina slumped forward, dropping her head into her hands. "And why is that?"

He rose from the armchair and sat on the loveseat, but still kept a respectful distance. "Do you remember when we first met?"

She ran a hand through her hair. "I try to forget."

Not taking his eyes off her, Alastor leaned on the armrest. "When Luci tricked me into having that drink with you, I thought you were going to be another one of those dizzy dames who'd either cower in fear or throw yourself at me with misplaced affection."

He rested his cheek on his fist. "But you weren't afraid _or_ infatuated at all. You weren't even polite."

He chuckled. "I'd encountered countless women in my life and afterlife, but none had ever been so brutally honest and upfront with me before. You surprised me. And from that moment on, I saw you as a being worth my time and energy."

Tina looked up to find him still staring at her, that same spark of interest in his eyes from the night they'd first met.

"Yeah?" She crossed her arms and leaned back. "Well, when we first met, I thought you were a pompous, egotistical psychopath."

She cast a sideways glance at him. "No surprise there."

Alastor shrugged, offering no argument.

"But," Tina said, looking down at her knees, "ya did surprise me when I rejected your invitation to dinner, and ya didn't try to force me into sayin' yes."

Her cheeks flushed. "No man ever gave me that kind of respect before."

"You still have it, _mon amour_ ," Alastor said softly, placing his hands in his lap. "I didn't force you then, I won't force you now. You'll come back to me in your own time. I have an eternity to wait."

Tina scooted to the farthest end of the loveseat. " _You're_ naïve to think bein' so courteous and generous is gonna win me back. But it's just gonna push me further away."

He tilted his head. "Would you rather I be cruel?"

"Honestly?" She closed her eyes. "Yes."

"Hmm." He rubbed his chin, pretending to think about it. "I'm afraid you ask the impossible of me, darling."

"Why?" Tina snapped. "It's easy for ya to be cruel to everyone else! Especially those who've wronged ya!" She muttered, "What makes me so different?"

She felt his hand on hers. She turned to see his sorrowful eyes burrowing into hers.

"Do you really have to ask?" He cupped her chin. "Or are you afraid to acknowledge the answer?"

Before she could lose herself in his touch, Tina moved back and wrenched her hand away. "I'm not worth your trouble, Al."

"Trouble? Ha!" He threw his head back. "I can handle a little trouble. And you, my dear, are worth all the trouble in the world."

"Well." Tina stood and walked around the loveseat. "In twenty-nine days, I'll take that trouble with me."

Alastor followed her. "And where will you go then?"

She stopped and leaned against her vanity, anchoring herself. "I'll find something."

His gentle words were falling on deaf ears. Alastor decided it was time to change his tactic into something sterner.

"I realize my being here isn't ideal for you." He placed his hands behind his back. "But you wouldn't have needed to resort yourself to this situation, had you called for my assistance from the start. I could've restored your club with a snap of my fingers. I still can, if you'd only ask."

He narrowed his eyes. "Or are you too stubborn to admit that you still need me?"

"I _don't_ need ya." Tina gripped the edge of the vanity. "I haven't needed ya for ten years."

"But you can only rely on yourself for so long. That's the way it's always been, hasn't it?"

Alastor gripped his claws behind his back. What he was about to say was cruel, but if that was what she wanted, so be it.

"You find some lovestruck fool willing to bend over backwards for you," he said bitterly, "so you entertain him with pretty little promises and sensual touches. Manipulation disguised as affection."

Tina looked up, seeing her reflection and his in the mirror. His scowl threatened to destroy that everlasting smile.

"That's what people say about you." Alastor took a step forward. "And frankly, my dear, I'm almost inclined to believe there's some truth to it. Or do you intend to prove me wrong?"

She lowered her gaze, not liking what the mirror held. "Your five minutes are up."

At least she assumed they were. She'd lost track of time ages ago.

Alastor bowed respectfully and headed for the door. As he touched the knob, he turned back to catch one last glimpse of her.

"Don't mistake me, dear," he said. "Your sins never mattered to me. And your stubbornness, savagery and brazenness are but some of the many things I adore about you." He opened the door. "In fact, they were the very reasons I proposed."

When Tina next dared to look in the mirror, he was gone. And she was alone again.

"I'm sorry, Al," she whispered, removing the shawl from her shoulders. "But you'll see it's better this way."

She draped the shawl over the mirror so she could see no more.

* * *

Outside, Alastor leaned against Tina's bedroom door and sighed. At least she had accepted the cake, and taken the time to talk with him. He would just have to be patient a little longer. For now, he would have to pull himself through another sleepless night.

Alastor was so lost in thought he didn't notice the pair of eyes watching him as he walked down the hall. The observer then retreated to their room and pulled out their hell phone.

* * *

Somewhere on the East Side of the Pentagram, a demon with the head of a chameleon dressed in a business suit sat in his office. His hell phone rang on his desk and the caller ID made him smirk.

"Hey, babe." He leaned back in his rolling chair and sipped a glass of whiskey. "What dirt ya got for me today?"

What he heard on the other end caused him to spit out his drink.

"Whaddya mean the Radio Demon's at the hotel?" The chameleon slammed his glass on his desk. "You told me the bitch would rather die than crawl back to that bastard!"

The person on the phone explained everything.

"Well what am I supposed to do now, babe?" He got up and paced the office. " _You_ were supposed to make sure her relationship with Radio Boy _stays_ severed, and that he wanted nothing to do with her no more! We can't have our revenge until we're absolutely sure he won't come running in to rescue her!"

He rubbed his temple as he listened. "Uh-huh. Yeah. That so?"

The chameleon smirked. "In that case, see that Radio Boy's little wooing attempts fail miserably. We can't have the little bat making nice with her Sugar Daddy again. Not after how long we've both waited for this. Right, babe?"

He waited for the caller's response. "That's right, honey. Don't you worry. You just let me know the minute the bitch is alone and friendless."

He looked at his wall, covered with newspaper clippings of Tina Twinkle. Including her marriage to Alastor, the grand opening of The Reckoning, and its most recent destruction. He found a picture of her performing onstage and tore his claws through her smiling face.

"Then she'll pay for ruining our lives."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens!


	7. I'll Never Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vaggie and Charlie put their feet down. Or at least Vaggie does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS IMPLIED SEXUAL CONTENT, AS WELL AS HOMOPHOBIC AND XENOPHOBIC SLURS AS EXPECTED FOR THE WORLD OF "HAZBIN HOTEL!"
> 
> Title Song: "I'll Never Tell" from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" musical episode

With a hundred and fifty sinners checking into the Hazbin Hotel, the first week was bound to be rocky. Especially when the majority of them were recovering addicts.

The first issue arose on Day Three when guests reported items missing from their rooms. It didn't take a detective to deduce that the kleptomaniac racoon maid was responsible. Vaggie did a search of Proxy's room and in the back of her closet, found a stash of stolen hairclips, pencils, lipsticks and more. Proxy was promptly called into Demon Resources.

"Told ya I had a problem," she said, slumping in her seat.

Carrie Canary nodded from her desk. "Y-You'll r-return all the s-stolen items like b-before, r-right?"

"Yeah, whatever."

Proxy grabbed a pen from Carrie's pencil holder and tucked it into the front pocket of her blue maid uniform. Tina, who sat in a chair beside her, held out her hand. Proxy checked her pockets, sighed and handed her boss the pen.

"Consider this your first strike," Vaggie said, standing with her arms crossed.

Vaggie had insisted that she and Charlie be present for this confrontation, as she wasn't particularly confident in Carrie Canary handling it herself.

"Hold up a moment, Miss Vaggie," Tina said. "Proxy's a kleptomaniac. She ain't in control of her impulses."

Vaggie raised an eyebrow. "You said 'no exceptions.'"

"But if ya read through the contract, there's a clause concerin' ICDs." Tina turned to Carrie. "Pull up Proxy's file."

Carrie nodded and opened a file on her computer. Vaggie leaned over and read an electronic copy of Proxy's contract.

" _In the case of impulsive control disorders (ICDs), in which the party of the first part is not in full control of their actions, including but not limited to pathological gambling, kleptomania, pyromania, etc.; a strike will not be implemented on the party of the first part, unless the incident in question results in injury to themselves or another party._ "

"So in short," Tina said, placing a hand on Proxy's shoulder, "if she's not intentionally hurtin' anybody, I don't count it."

Charlie shrugged. "I suppose it's just the odd hairclip or pencil."

"Still," Vaggie said, narrowing her eyes at Proxy, "we can't trust you to go into other people's rooms and not take their stuff."

"Can't help it." Proxy played with a stray paperclip between her fingers. "Dr. Cougarton says I do it for attention, cuz I spent all that time in foster care and never had consistent caregivers or something."

She slid the paperclip into her pocket. It was such a trivial item that no one said anything.

"Well, you've got our attention," Vaggie said.

"Maybe you can get people's attention in other ways," Charlie said.

Proxy shrugged. "Not good for much. Flunked outta high school."

"But surely there's something you like to do." Charlie laughed awkwardly. "You know, other than swiping things that don't belong to you."

Proxy brushed her short black hair out of her face. "I guess I like to draw. But I'm no good."

Charlie opened the desk drawer and got out a piece of paper. Then she handed Proxy a pencil, but she already had one in her hand.

"Draw me something," Charlie said.

Proxy looked over at Tina. "She serious?"

"Just try it, hon," the Songbat said.

Proxy shrugged and scribbled over the paper with rapid speed. In less than ten minutes, she created a perfect sketch of Charlie, with shading and everything. Everyone's jaws dropped.

"Told you I was bad." Proxy sighed, preparing to erase the sketch. "The scale's totally off and the fingers are chubby."

"No, no, no!" Charlie waved her hand. "I think it's _wonderful_! In fact…" She gasped and clapped her hands together. "Proxy, would you be willing to lead an art class?"

The racoon tilted her head. "Art class?"

"Yeah! We've been trying to come up with activities to keep guests occupied, and I've heard art can be very therapeutic! You could have the class say…once or twice a week? We'll schedule it around your cleaning duties, of course."

"On the condition that we check your room daily for any stolen items," Vaggie said firmly. "And that you attend at least one group therapy session a week."

Proxy turned to Tina.

"I think it'd be good for ya," Tina said. "Your hands might be less inclined to steal if they're busy drawin' instead."

Proxy took a moment to think, then shrugged. "Whatever. Not like I got anything better to do."

* * *

Day Four brought another surprise from the maid service, when Dr. Cougarton forgot to put up the Do Not Disturb sign, and was discovered in her bed, entangled with the Dicto twins.

"This had _got_ to count as a strike," Vaggie said, pointing to a particular section of the employee contract. "Right here: _sexual misconduct_."

"Keep readin'," Tina said, moving Vaggie's finger down the page. "It only counts as sexual misconduct if it was non-consensual for at least one party involved, or a case of prostitution, pornography, or public nudity."

"And it _was_ consensual," Dinah said.

"And no one was paid anything," Dana said. "In terms of money."

"And we didn't film it."

"And it occurred in a private bedroom."

"And neither of them are married," Dr. Cougarton said, holding up a paw. "So there was no adultery."

"And the doctor was between us the entire time," Dinah said.

"So Dinah and I didn't touch each other at all!" Dana said.

"Well, perhaps with our _fingers_ at one point, but—"

Dana reached over and smacked her sister upside the head. "You're making it worse!"

Dr. Cougarton gestured to the twins on either side of her. "I had to find _some_ way to separate them without being _completely_ apart, didn't I? Then need to take baby steps in differentiating their sexual urges with their sisterly affections."

Vaggie facepalmed. "There are better ways to solve people's problems than _sleeping_ with them!"

"Yes, but I'm not _their_ therapist, so I'm not breaking any rules."

Charlie stepped in front of Vaggie. "Why don't you join us for group therapy? And Doctor, it'll allow you to lend other people your thoughts on their problems. Without actually being their therapist, so you can still…mingle."

"Sounds reasonable enough." Dr. Cougarton turned to Vaggie. "Perhaps we can start with your anger management, Miss Vagatha. Tell me, how was your relationship with your father?"

Charlie had to hold Vaggie back to stop her from clawing the psychiatrist's eyes out.

* * *

It wasn't long before it was Angel Dust's turn to be called into Demon Resources.

"Hey, I've been on my best behavior," he said, holding up his four hands. "That coke wasn't mine."

Vaggie narrowed her eyes. " _What_ coke?"

Angel bit his lip. "That, err…Coke as in the _soda_ , I mean! Yeah, wasn't mine. More of a Pepsi guy, ya know?"

"Remind me to do a drug test on you later."

"Crap," he muttered.

"But back to the matter at hand." Vaggie showed him a list on her clipboard. "We've had at least twelve women come to us about some kind of sexist comment coming from _your_ mouth. Calling them names like 'Sugar Tits' and 'Toots' and 'Baby Doll?'"

"Hey, I call my girl buddies shit like that all the time." He put his upper hands to his chest. "Not _my_ fault those bitches are so damn sensitive."

"The name-calling's one thing. What about the sexual harassment?"

"I thought she was a dude, I swear!" He held up one hand and crossed his heart with another.

Vaggie slammed her hands on the desk. "I'm talking about the _men_ , Angel!"

"Oh, right." Angel rolled his eyes towards Tina. "Seriously, Bat Girl, how come ya don't have a single dick-sucker in this whole crowd? And why do most of 'em gotta be underage?"

"As if that wasn't enough," Vaggie said, smacking her clipboard, "you've been making fun of people's deaths! You called Proxy 'Garbage Girl' after she admitted to being hit by a garbage truck!"

The spider snorted. "Ya have to admit the irony's pretty funny. What with her bein' a racoon and cleanin' and shit."

"Angel," Charlie said calmly. "You need to be more careful about what you say to people. You could really hurt their feelings, or they could take it the wrong way."

Angel huffed, leaned back in his seat and put his upper hands behind his head. "What ya gonna do? Throw me out? Ya forget I didn't sign Bat Girl's stupid contract." He jerked a thumb towards Tina. "And ya can't make me, cuz I already got a contract with Val. Ya can't touch me, bitches."

Vaggie mumbled something in Spanish, while Carrie Canary, who had been quiet this whole meeting, shared a meek look with Tina. The Songbat nodded and put her hands on Vaggie's and Charlie's shoulders.

"Let's step out a moment, girls," Tina said, leading the two managers towards the door. "Carrie would like a word with Angel Dust."

"Huh?" Vaggie looked back at the canary. "But she's barely said a word on our previous cases. What can she—?"

"Trust me on this," Tina whispered.

When the door was shut, Angel Dust placed his feet on the desk. "Well, looks like it's just you and me now, t-t-toots."

Carrie smiled. "You think my speech impediment's funny, do you?"

Angel's smug look turned into one of confusion. "Hey, what happened to your—?"

"We're not here to talk about me." She folded her hands on her desk and leaned forward. "We're here to talk about _you_."

Angel Dust stared at the canary. Her nervousness, along with her stutter, had mysteriously vanished. It was like the real Carrie had been abducted and replaced with a strong, confident businesswoman.

But Angel was determined not to be thrown off by a klutzy little bird. So he put down his feet and sat up straight to emphasize how much taller he was.

"Hit me with your best shot then, Birdy. Tweet my head off."

Carrie giggled. "You really _should_ watch what you say, Mr. Dust. You wouldn't very much like it if someone said something hurtful about _you_."

He crossed his arms. "I'm a big boy. I can take a few dumb jokes. Sticks and stones, and all that."

"Is that so?" Carrie laced her fingers together and used them to cradle her chin. "That accent of yours, Mr. Dust. New Yorker?"

"Yup." Angel looked boringly at his fingers. "Born and bred."

"That's nice. I'm a New Yorker myself."

He raised an eyebrow. "Ya don't sound like it."

"That's because I moved from the Midwest after college. But the heaviness of your accent suggests that you come from an immigrant family." She tilted her head. "Italian?"

Angel blinked. "Yeah."

"You in the mob?"

"Hey!" Angel jabbed three of his pointers at her. "Not _all_ Italians are in the mob!" He paused. "Okay, yeah, _I_ was, but that's no reason to—"

"Tell me, Mr. Dust." Carrie's voice changed into something out of Mario Brothers. "Do you- _uh_ like- _uh_ spaghetti- _uh_ with meats- _uh_ ball - _ay_?"

"That supposed to be a mock Italian accent?" Angel scoffed. "Ya gotta do better than that."

Carrie sighed and folded her arms. "Never been big on Italians. Took your people forever to figure out the Nazis were crazy."

"Okay." Angel held up a finger. "One, Italy _never_ switched sides. Their factions were split." A second finger sprung up. "Two, I fought with my fellow Americans."

"World War II veteran, huh? Interesting." Carrie rubbed her chin. "Must've been hard keeping it in your pants in the '40's. Wasn't fags like you that were getting dragged off to Auschwitz?"

"Hey." Angel stood. "Now _that's_ goin'—"

"Too far?" Carrie batted her eyes, flashing the razor-sharp fangs in her beak. "But like you said. You're a big boy, right? You can take a joke, right?"

Outside, Vaggie was pressing her ear to the door, but could only hear muffled shouts from Angel Dust.

"Shouldn't we all be in there for this?" Vaggie asked.

"He hasn't listened to _you_ , has he?" Tina said. "Carrie's my secret weapon."

"But what can _she_ do? No offense, but she can barely get a sentence out."

"Carrie gets anxious round a bunch of people." Tina smirked. "One-on-one confrontations are another story." She turned to Charlie. "Though ya might not entirely approve of her methods, Princess. They can be…intense. Which is why I only pull her as a last resort."

"Intense, how?" Charlie asked.

Just then, the door opened and Angel Dust came out with his head down. When he looked up, his eyes were puffy and red.

"Angel?" Vaggie said. "Have you been… _crying_?"

"What's wrong?" Charlie asked.

Instead of answering the Princess, Angel said, "Vaggie. I'm…sorry for callin' your vagina a taco."

Vaggie blinked in surprise. "Uh…thanks, Angel?"

He rubbed his upper arm. "And for callin' ya a bitch. And a whore. And a dyke, though I thought that was okay since I'm also—"

"I get the picture, Angel," Vaggie said impatiently.

"Are you okay?" Charlie laid a hand on his shoulder.

Angel flinched away. "I'm fine! Just…need a moment."

He ran down the hall, his sobbing only just loud enough to reach their ears. Carrie Canary stepped out, wearing a soft smile.

"What exactly did you do to him?" Vaggie asked in wonder.

"J-Just," Carrie stammered, rubbing the back of her neck, "p-put things in p-perspective."

Vaggie crossed her arms. "That can't have been it."

Carrie looked down shyly at her feet. "It w-worked, d-didn't it?"

* * *

But these were all minor issues, compared to the one disrupting everyone's daily lives. Not an hour went by without someone approaching Charlie or Vaggie about it. On Day Seven, they finally decided to take action, and called a managers' meeting.

The first person Alastor acknowledged was, of course, his wife as he entered the main office. "Ah, what a nice change it is to see you, dear, without that mangy mutt or that twittering twit attached to your hip!"

Tina glared from her seat. "What did I say 'bout playin' nice with my employees?"

"I _am_ playing nice." Alastor sat beside her and crossed one leg of the other. "But they're not here right now, are they?"

"That doesn't mean ya can go round insultin' 'em behind their backs!"

"I'm _not_ insulting them behind their backs. As I've said, they're not even here! Ha-ha!"

Tina stood and faced him. "That's _not_ what I meant and you—"

"Please!" Vaggie covered her ears. "Can't you two just shut it for _five minutes_?!"

"What Vaggie means is," Charlie said, putting a hand on her girlfriend's arm, "we called you two here to _calmly_ discuss a very important issue."

"If this is about the Valentine's Day dance," Tina said, sitting back down, "I stand by what I said 'bout a cover charge for non-guests. Keeps lowlife sleazes from crashin' and we'll earn a profit."

"I _told_ you, darling," Alastor said through his teeth. "I can cover the costs easily."

"And where are _you_ gettin' the money? Still chargin' rent for the demons ya," Tina said, using air quotes, "'protect?'"

"Well," Alastor said, crossing his arms, " _someone_ has to pay to feed the sea of guests staying here for _free_!"

"Which is why sellin' tickets for events like Valentine's Day will help!"

"Few demons are attracted to this hotel as it is! You think they'll actually want to _pay_ to be here?"

"At least I'm comin' up with some ideas h—"

"Enough!" Vaggie slammed her hands on the desk. "We'll discuss Valentine's Day later, but that's not why we called you here."

Alastor and Tina turned to the other two managers. Charlie sat in the big chair while Vaggie stood at her side. Behind them was a big blackboard. Charlie often used it to brainstorm, but right now it was blank.

"Okay, so…" Charlie clapped her hands together, looking very hesitant. "We've been getting some…concerns."

Her eyes flitted towards Alastor, who huffed. "It was that Rosemary, wasn't it? Whatever she told you, it isn't true!"

Tina narrowed her eyes. "Ya chased her round the kitchen with a bloody leg!"

He waved his hand. "It was a _joke_! At least it was _lamb_ and not a lamb _demon_!"

"Al, ya know she's an animal-lover!"

"As am I, but do you see _me_ denying my place in the food chain?"

"Again," Vaggie said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Not the issue here, but we'll talk about _that_ later too."

"This isn't about you, Al," Charlie said. "Well, it _is_ , but…" The corners of her mouth quivered as she glanced between the dysfunctional couple. "These concerns are about… _both_ of you."

Tina straightened up. "Say what now?"

"Your constant marital spats," Vaggie said tiredly. "We know we said we wouldn't intervene, but all your bickering has been disrupting our work _and_ our guests."

Tina crossed her arms. "Excuse me, but _you_ were the ones who said I had to keep an eye on Al."

"We know," Charlie said. "That doesn't change the fact that you've been arguing an awful lot lately."

"I don't see why _I'm_ here." Alastor folded his arms across his chest, looking at his wife out of the corner of his eye. " _I'm_ not the one who starts these arguments."

Tina glared sideways at him. " _I'm_ not the one who won't quit pointlessly tryin' to woo my ex."

"At least _I'm_ being _civil_."

"I already said I'm not gettin' back together with you! Why can't ya just accept that?"

"Because you're _my wife_ ," Alastor said firmly. "And that used to mean something to you."

Tina huffed. "It didn't when ya proposed."

"You know very well what our circumstances were then!"

"Well you clearly don't know what our circumstances are _now_!"

"A husband and wife not cohabiting are still husband and wife!"

"Stop it! Both of you!" Vaggie pulled at her hair. "This is exactly what we're talking about! No one can focus on whatever they're doing, because you two are always harping on each other over every little fucking thing!"

"He/She started it!" Alastor and Tina said simultaneously, pointing at each other.

"I don't care who started it, I'll finish it!"

"Vaggie!" Charlie said.

Vaggie took a breath. "Look. It doesn't matter to us whether you're back together or not. But if you two don't find _some_ way to get along, you're going to create a chaotic work environment for everyone else here."

"Which is why," Charlie said, rising from her seat excitedly, "Vaggie and I welcome you to…"

She pushed the rolling chair aside and flipped over the blackboard, revealing two words written in all caps.

"Marriage Counseling!" Charlie exclaimed, waving a pair of jazz hands.

Alastor and Tina stared at the Princess, both saying, "What?"

"Don't worry!" Charlie held up her pointer fingers. "I've been studying with Dr. Cougarton, and learned that the best way to settle a disagreement between spouses is for both parties to speak their minds and get to the root of the problem!"

Alastor scoffed. "Surprisingly sound advice from a psychiatrist who can't keep it in her skirts."

"Yeah, that's why we didn't invite her to this meeting," Vaggie said.

"Princess," Tina said, clasping her hands together, "I appreciate what you're tryin' to do, but this feud is between me and Al."

"I'm surprised at you, darling," Alastor said with a smirk. "Since when are you ever afraid to speak your mind?" He gestured to the blackboard. "And now comes the opportunity."

Tina opened her mouth to rebut this, but Vaggie interrupted. "Just go with Charlie's idea, okay? She was up all night planning this out."

"I'm game!" Alastor turned to Tina. "How about you, sweetheart?"

The Songbat glanced at Charlie, who was jumping up and down eagerly. Then Tina sighed in relent.

"Let's just get this over with."

"Excellent!" Charlie flipped over the blackboard and picked up a piece of chalk. "Okay. So, there's been a lot of negativity between the two of you lately. That goes without saying. So, we'll start off by trying to focus on some positivity."

She wrote _POSITIVE_ on the board. "I want the two of you to take turns saying _positive_ things about each other." She underlined the word. "Things that you like and appreciate about each other. For example."

Charlie took her girlfriend's hand. "Vaggie, I love how supportive you are in my work, even when no one else is." She booped her nose. "Now you say something nice back!"

Vaggie rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. "Charlie, I like how you somehow manage to find a bright side to everything. Even if there isn't one."

"See?" Charlie held her arms out towards Alastor and Tina. "Now _you_ try. Who wants to go first?"

"This sounds easy enough!" Alastor turned to his wife. "Tina, my darling, I love how brutally honest you are, never afraid to speak the truth."

 _Even if it's hurtful_ , he finished in his head.

"Good," Charlie said. "Now Tina, say something you like about Alastor."

Tina shifted in her seat, focusing more on Charlie's expectant gaze than on her husband's. "I suppose he's…a good cook?"

Alastor blinked. "That's it? That's all you can say?"

"If you're only doin' this to feed your ego—"

"No, no, it's a good start. I didn't say these needed to be big things. Now." Charlie went back to writing on the blackboard. "Unfortunately, as much as we'd like to avoid the negativity in our relationships, we can't ignore that it's there."

She underlined the word _NEGATIVE_. "This is why arguments tend to break out between couples, but they are perfectly normal as long as the couple is able to work through their differences in the end. So, now I would like you to say something you _don't_ like about each other. For exam—"

Tina didn't wait for a demonstration. "I don't like how he won't just let go of the past."

"Hmm." Alastor examined his fingernails. "I could say the same about you, dear."

"Alright." Charlie puffed her cheeks from the growing awkwardness. "Now say something positive again, then negative, then just keep going until you run out of things to say."

"What's the point of this again?" Tina grumbled.

"To get everything off your chest," Charlie said, circling her hands from her chest outwards, "and out into the open."

The Songbat hung her head back. "Do we _have_ to?"

"The sooner you do this," Vaggie said, crossing her arms, "the sooner we can all get back to work."

"Allow me to go first again." Alastor turned his full attention to his wife. "Tina, I like your razor-sharp wit, and how you always manage to make me laugh."

Tina looked down at her lap. "He's _kinda_ funny. Sometimes."

"Negative, now? Let's see." He rubbed his chin, as if finding it a difficult task. "I don't care much for your interest in," he cleared his throat, " _pop_ music."

"I don't care much for your diet," Tina retorted.

"Maybe this wasn't the best idea," Vaggie whispered to her partner.

"No, shh." Charlie waved her hand. "This is getting good."

"I like how fearless you are," Alastor said.

"I like how," Tina said with a gulp, "patient ya are."

"But I _don't_ like how stubborn you are."

She snorted. "Ditto."

"Oh, but I like it at the same time. Does that count?"

Charlie circled her hand. "Keep going."

Alastor paused to look Tina over. "You have gorgeous eyes."

The Songbat glanced at him briefly. "Ya have…nice hair."

His voice became softer, more sincere. "I don't like it when you frown."

She turned her head away. "I don't like how ya smile like a creepy-ass Cheshire Cat all the time."

He didn't miss a beat in coming up with the next compliment. "Your voice is like an angel's."

Tina blushed. "Your voice ain't so bad either."

"I don't like it when you cry."

"I don't like it when you're pushy."

"I love how you'll never back down from a fight."

Her shoulders relaxed. "I love…how non-judgmental ya can be."

Alastor leaned slightly towards her. "I don't like…how we left things ten years ago."

Tina turned and finally met his gaze. "Me neither."

Both were silent. As they locked eyes, their resentment melted away into something more peaceful, but equally strong. It came as a surprise to Vaggie, after seeing the couple argue nonstop all week. _Is Charlie's plan actually working?_

"Alright!" Charlie clapped her hands, snapping Alastor and Tina out of their daze. "We're making progress! So, from what I've gathered from your…discussions, you two didn't marry for love, correct?"

Alastor's eyes flitted between the Princess and his wife. "Our relationship was initially professional, yes."

"Platonic, at best," Tina muttered.

"And when did that change for you?" Charlie asked.

Alastor and Tina shared a glance. Charlie and Vaggie had never seen the Radio Demon look so flustered before. His face was redder than his eyes.

"You don't have to tell me," Charlie said. "I just want a clearer picture of the situation here."

Tina crossed one leg over the other and tucked a stray hair out of her face. "Extermination Day, 2005."

Alastor took a moment to count on his fingers. "Thirty-seven days prior."

Tina raised an eyebrow. "When was that?"

He hesitated, glancing at Charlie and Vaggie. Then he turned back to Tina, held up his left hand, and traced his finger from his wrist and down his arm. Tina's eyes widened as she clamped a hand around her own left wrist.

"Seriously? _That_ night?"

"I'd never felt closer to you," he said simply.

Tina held her wrist to her chest with a blush. "But that was when ya—"

"I know." His lips fell over his teeth. "Don't forget what happened _earlier_ that evening."

Alastor then ran his hand along his middle.

"Oh." Tina bit her lip. "That…makes more sense."

Charlie and Vaggie looked at each other in confusion.

"Could we, uh," Charlie said, "have a bit more context, please?"

"It's, uh…" Tina looked downward and planted her hands between her legs. "Private."

"Uh, okay?" Charlie cleared her throat. "As long as you two know what you're talking about, we'll move onto a more difficult question." She laced her fingers together and took a deep breath. "What _exactly_ broke you up?"

Alastor stiffened and glanced at Tina, who was wringing her hands nervously.

"Take your time," Charlie said. "Whatever it was, I'm sure it's painful to re—"

"We had a disagreement," Alastor replied hastily, "and couldn't come to a compromise. Simple as that."

Tina turned to him with wide eyes.

"Uh, yeah." Charlie smiled weakly. "Again, going to need some context."

"I don't see why you _should_ ," Alastor snapped, "as it isn't any of your business."

"Whoa, Al." The Princess held up her hands. "We're just trying to—"

He uncrossed his legs and summoned his staff. "We didn't come here to be pointlessly interrogated."

Charlie and Vaggie didn't understand why the Radio Demon was suddenly so defensive after answering their other questions with little resistance. Tina was equally stunned.

"Tina," Vaggie said, "maybe _you_ could explain—?"

Alastor held his staff in front of his wife. "She doesn't have to answer to you, if she doesn't wish to!"

He slammed his staff on the floor and rose from his seat. "Your efforts are noble, Charlotte, but I believe my wife is correct. This is between her and me alone, and we will _not_ discuss the subject any further! So sorry to have inconvenienced you. It was not our intention. Good day."

Alastor bowed, turned on his heel and went swiftly out the door. Tina got up and followed after him. Vaggie was about to do the same when Charlie grabbed her arm and whispered, "Let them go. We've done all we can for now."

* * *

In the lobby, Husk was teaching some of the new recruits how to mix drinks. But as soon as the Radio Demon came storming in, his radio static crackling like he'd lost a signal, they bolted out. The ladies who had been chatting on the couch quickly followed suit.

Tina finally caught up to her husband. "Al, can we talk?"

"Oh!" Alastor stopped and spun around. " _Now_ you wish to talk? What do you think I've been trying to do all week?"

"Oh, shut up."

He narrowed his eyes. "You just said you wished to talk!"

"Al—"

"Well, which is it? Shut up or talk?"

"Nope." Husk gathered as many bottles as he could carry and slipped into the back room. "Not dealing with this shit."

Tina slapped her face and ran her palm down, trying to calm herself. "Why didn't ya tell 'em?"

Alastor's gaze softened as he placed his hands and staff behind his back. "I didn't see any reason to. You frustrate and exhaust me with your resistance, but not so much that I'm inclined to sully your honor."

"That's just it, Al." She looked up at him, more bewildered than angry. "We both know what happened. So why are ya tryin' so hard? If anythin', _you're_ the one who should be hatin' _me_ right now."

" _Mon amour_." He shook his head and took a step forward. "I could never hate you."

She hung her head. "Ya have every reason to."

Alastor bent down and caught her chin, tipping it upwards. "There is no power in Heaven or Hell that will make me ever stop loving you."

Tina gently pushed his hand down. "But why?"

"Must I spell it out for you, darling?" He sighed. "Very well."

Alastor held up his left hand, presenting the black ring on his finger. " _This_ is why. Call me old-fashioned, but in my day, when a man married a woman, it became his solemn duty to look after her. Since I put this ring on, I've held true to that vow, and do not intend to break it anytime soon."

He glanced at her bare left hand. "Even if my wife doesn't hold the same sentiments."

That hand went up to cover her brooch. "And…what if the woman didn't need the man to look after her?"

"He'd still be there for her." Alastor straightened up. "He'll be whatever she needs him to be. A lover, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, even just someone to hold her up when no one else will."

He settled his hands on her shoulders. "Tina, I'm right here, ready to be whatever you need me to be."

She touched his hands, but did not push them off. "We both know that's not true, Al."

"But it is." Alastor leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers. "If you don't love me anymore, that's fine. I didn't care for your affection when we first married."

"Then what _do_ ya want?"

His hands moved to cup her face. "Just for you to call me your husband again."

"Please, Al." Tina closed her eyes. "Ya gotta move on. I'm not worth waitin' for."

A tear streamed down her cheek. Alastor wiped it away with a thumb.

"That's where you're wrong, darling." He stroked her jawline, bringing his hand down to her chin, the other resting on her shoulder. "You're worth enough to wait a lifetime. And more."

He whispered in her ear, "Which I have already done."

Tina opened her eyes just as he moved back to look at her face, and she found herself transfixed.

Alastor was willing to back off completely if she swatted his hand away, or at least said something. Surprisingly, she didn't. Simply stared up at him with those luminous, violet eyes that could rival that amethyst brooch of hers. All week, he'd seen nothing but disdain in them, but now he saw confusion. And something else.

Tina didn't know why she wasn't resisting his touch. Maybe it was the tenderness in it. Or the sincerity in his voice. Or that damn look in his eyes. As far as she could remember, his eyes had always held that look whenever they fell upon her, accompanied by that small but genuine smile. To this day, she still didn't know what he thought he saw when he looked at her that way. But it must've been something _wonderful_.

She knew it was stupid to be pushing away a man like this. Psychopathy aside, Alastor had been the first man to see any real value in her. Not as a piece of ass, but as a person with hopes and dreams and faults. A _lot_ of faults. He'd often called her the perfect woman, but it was far from the truth. Despite all that had happened between them, his loyalty had not faltered.

Alastor turned his attention to Tina's mouth. She quivered as he ran his thumb over her bottom lip, but made no move to stop him. He'd had a brief taste of her when she'd first arrived at the hotel, but it had been so long since he'd properly savored the one pair of lips he'd ever desired in any capacity. The thought of them reuniting in such a small, but passionate manner, for them to once again make a wordless, but meaningful promise to each other, sent a pleasant chill up his spine.

He dared to lean forward. Slowly, to give her the opportunity to pull away. He was still a gentleman, after all. But she didn't even flinch. In fact, her eyes were fluttering closed, as if she were welcoming it.

 _I know you still love me, my precious_. Alastor closed his eyes, ready to meet her lips. _Please, grant me this one privilege._  
"What's going on here?!"

Alastor opened his eyes and narrowed them at Vaggie, who came stomping up to them. "A very important, _private_ conversation that doesn't concern you, Vagatha."

Vaggie whipped out her spear. "Step away from her. Now."

"Wait." Tina held up a hand. "He wasn't—"

"It's fine, dear." Alastor retracted his hands and straightened up. "I overstepped my bounds." He put a fist to his chest and bowed. "Adieu."

He sent Vaggie a death glare as he passed her. _Damn moth. I was_ this _close!_

Alastor went out the front door, thinking a walk might help cool his head, and slammed the door hard enough to shake the hotel. Tina watched him, bringing her fingers to her lips.

Vaggie put away her spear and took the Songbat by the shoulders. "Did he hurt you?"

"What? No!" Tina shrugged her off. "Al's a pain in the ass, but he wouldn't do a thing like that!"

Vaggie blinked. "You're kidding. Don't you know what kind of man he is? What he did to get here?"

"Of course I do!" Tina placed her hands on her hips. "I'm not an idiot!"

"Yeah, I've been trying to wrap my head around that." Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose. "You _seem_ like a smart person. So how did someone like you get mixed up with the Radio Demon? Let alone _married_ him?!"

"What _else_ was I supposed to do?" Tina gestured to their surroundings. "When ya start out in this hellhole with nothin', ya gotta do what ya can to survive. And Al was a better option than guys like Valentino who asked for more than simple marriage vows in return."

Vaggie gave her a deadpan look. "He's a _psychopath._ "

"I ain't no saint neither. Don't get me wrong." Tina held up her hands. "I've never really been big on his eatin' habits. But I also know he'd never do anythin' to hurt me."

Vaggie shook her head. "Still don't get it."

"Who are _you_ to criticize, anyway?" Tina crossed her arms. "You're datin' the daughter of the literal Devil."

"Charlie's different." Vaggie pressed her hands together. "She can't help who her dad is, and even though she was never given the chance for judgment, she still wouldn't hurt a fly. Her soul is pure. Naïve, but pure."

Vaggie's face took on a fond look for a moment, before hardening again. "But Alastor _chose_ to be a sinner. And it wasn't just one small slipup for him. Everything he does is deliberate, never caring if it's wrong or right, just so long as it suits his needs."

Tina turned her back to her. "Why do ya think I left?"

At that, Vaggie became fearful. "What did he do?"

"What did _he_ do?" The Songbat paused and looked down at her feet. "Nothin'."

Vaggie blinked. "Nothing?"

"Absolutely nothin'." Tina plopped her forehead into her hand. "That was just the problem."

"That doesn't make any sense. If he didn't do anything, what is all this fighting a—?"

"Like we said!" Tina snapped around. "It's none of your fuckin' business!" She poked Vaggie in the chest. "And if you and the Princess know what's good for y'all, you'll _butt out_!"

And with that, the Songbat turned up her nose and flew up the stairs. A few minutes later, a loud _SLAM_ echoed throughout the hotel. Charlie peered out of the office.

"What's going on out here?"

Vaggie sighed. "Apparently, your little matchmaking scheme has derailed us into an episode of _Moonlighting_."

Charlie tilted her head. "What does that mean?"

Vaggie went up to pat her shoulder. "I'll show you later."


	8. Can't Help Falling In Love With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tina and Alastor divert themselves with their respective coping mechanisms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Elvis song it would seem. A lot of you gave Vaggie grief in the last chapter, but you have to remember that Alastor is literally a psychopath, so her concern is justified. Speaking of which:
> 
> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS REFERENCES TO CANNIBALISM AND SEXUAL ASSAULT!

Whenever Tina needed to clear her head, she would go to wherever there was a piano. At the Hazbin Hotel, that was the ballroom. It was empty, now that the staff and guests had their own rooms to go to, and decorating for the Valentine's Day dance hadn't started yet. She had the whole room to herself.

It was dark, but that wasn't a problem for a bat. Tina hummed, using echolocation to make her way to the stage and piano. She ran her hand over the keys, finding Middle C. Then she sat down, closed her eyes and began to play. There was no need for music, or for her to even look at the keys. She knew many songs by heart. She slipped into a subconscious state, allowing the music to overtake her.

Most demons liked to escape their troubles through drugs, alcohol, and or sex. Tina had fallen into all three traps at some point in her life and afterlife. Music was the one escapism of hers that didn't do any harm.

It took a few minutes for Tina to realize what song she was playing. She didn't normally think about it while in this state, as her fingers took on a life of their own.

" _Would it be a sin_ ," she sang softly, " _If I can't help fallin' in love with you?_ "

Then she remembered for whom she'd once played this song. And the reason why she was playing it now.

Alastor had almost kissed her. Not like he had when she'd first arrived. But like the way he used to kiss her. Slowly, patiently, allowing her time to refuse. But she hadn't.

Her playing reached a crescendo. Tina needed noise to drown out her thoughts. Just as she'd been creating all week by picking fights with Alastor. If she didn't get angry, the other, more dangerous emotion would come to the surface. The emotion she'd been fighting ever since _he_ had shoehorned his way back into her life.

How was it that even when they were fighting, Tina couldn't help but be reminded of just how much she cared for Alastor? It wasn't supposed to have happened. She'd made that deal to secure her safety in Hell. He'd had no sexual or romantic interest in her, and no one in their right mind would fall in love with a psychopathic cannibal. Especially one so obnoxious and egotistical.

It turned out that Tina _wasn't_ in her right mind. It hadn't been for his charms or his looks. Not that she didn't find him attractive. It had happened slowly. What had started as an amicable partnership had somehow blossomed into something beautiful. And equally destructive.

The song did nothing to divert her thoughts from Alastor. The lyrics certainly weren't helping. She just kept thinking about the almost kiss, asking herself why she didn't stop him. Had it been because he'd touched her? Because of that tender look in his eyes? Or because he had refused to tell Charlie and Vaggie the truth of why they'd split up?

This wasn't the first time Alastor had withheld information to protect Tina's honor. He stayed true to his role as a gentleman, and as a husband. She supposed that was one of the things that had caused her to eventually fall for him. Even in their early years of marriage, he'd always been protective of her. Not in a misogynistic or controlling way. He'd never treated her as weak, but helped her to grow stronger. In fact, Tina wouldn't have reached her full potential as a demon, had it not been for Alastor.

* * *

"It's no use, Al," Tina said, dropping to her knees. "I just can't do it.

"Of course, you can!" Alastor held out his hand to help her up. "Every demon struggles with transforming at first!"

They stood in the middle of the bayou, not far from the manor. Alastor had said the best place for Tina to practice her demon transformation was out in a secluded area with no one else around. Unless she wanted to unwittingly start a massacre, which he hadn't been opposed to either. Tina wore a tank top and jeans, but Alastor was perfectly comfortable in his usual dapper attire. Like he'd let a little thing like mud stop him from looking presentable.

"I just don't know how I did it the first time." Tina rubbed her temple. "I don't even remember it happenin'."

Alastor shrugged. "It's normal to forget your first time, or even how it happened in the first place. Some demons go their entire afterlife without transforming, and as a result, don't last very long down here."

He summoned his staff and began circling her. "But you said you wanted to be able to defend yourself in the event that I cannot come to your aid. Although, don't mistake me," he said, giving her nose a boop, "I do pride myself in keeping my promises."

He straightened up. "Nevertheless, you should gain control over your demonic form, lest you do something you might regret in a fit of rage."

"But I get mad all the time!" Tina threw up her hands. "What made that one time so different?"

"Transforming is more than simply getting mad. It's more like… Hmm. How do I put this?" Alastor rolled his wrist. "A…survival instinct. When a demon's sins manifest into their purest form, transforming it into something stronger to take out any outside threats.

"You think our usual forms are beastly?" He gestured to himself. "Our sins run skin deep, and are _far_ more monstrous when released."

Tina looked him over curiously. "Can I see yours?"

Alastor's ears twitched. "I don't think you're quite ready for that, darling."

"Come on, Al." She folded her arms. "Ya know I don't scare easily."

"I don't doubt your bravery, dear," he said, patting her on the head, "but believe me when I say you're better off never seeing what I look like when I'm _truly_ enraged."

She tilted her head. "Why?"

He clucked his tongue hesitantly. "Let us simply say that the uglier the sins, the uglier the monster within."

He shook his head. "Besides, we're here for _your_ demon transformation, not mine."

Alastor took on the demeanor of a mentor once more and twirled his cane. "Demons first trigger their stronger form with a strong emotion, usually from some stimulus related to their past."

"What set _you_ off?" Tina asked.

"Hmm." He rubbed his chin. "I don't quite recall. It _was_ almost seventy years ago. But I do remember coming out of it and finding myself in a sea of mangled corpses."

His eyes and smile took on that sinister glow that told Tina she had to say something before he got lost in his sadistic train of thought.

"Boy, am I glad the worst I did was break a few windows."  
"Ha-ha-ha!" Alastor pinched her cheek. "You're a delightful little bundle of rage, sweetheart, but your sins weren't nearly as gruesome as mine!"

"Don't patronize me." She swatted his hand away. "I can still slap ya silly."

"That's because I _let_ you, dear. Now." He caused his microphone to vanish. "Perhaps if you recount the events leading up to your blackout, we can pinpoint the exact trigger. And don't worry about injuring me in the process. I have a high tolerance for pain, so I won't hold it against you."

Tina smirked. "Says the man who flinches when I so much as tap his shoulder."

Alastor ignored her quip and moved behind her. "What exactly were you and Lucifer discussing before the ceremony? He must've said _something_ to set you off."

She bit her lip anxiously.

"You don't have to say it aloud," he said, settling his hands on her shoulders. "I simply want you to think about it."

She looked down at his hands, but didn't move them. "He was…askin' me to seduce ya. So ya wouldn't try to steal his throne, remember?"

Alastor nodded. "You told me so, yes. Was that it?"

Tina shook her head. "H-He also mentioned my sins, and…"

Lucifer had threatened to tell Alastor the one sin she'd never had the courage to confess. She tried to recall the anger she'd felt. At Lucifer, and at herself.

Then she heard it again. That infernal crying. Falling rain flashed before her eyes. The crying grew louder, ringing in her ears. She covered them, but this did nothing to block out the noise that had haunted her for years.

"Not my fault," she muttered. "Not my fault."

Her claws came out. Alastor released her shoulders and stepped away. Tina's back arched as she increased in height, the bones in her wings becoming more distinct as they grew. Her fangs stretched over her lower lip, like a vampire's. Alastor circled in front of her to get a better look. When she opened her eyes, they were pitch black and soulless. Then she threw her head back and released a sonic screech. The ground shook, the trees cracked, the swamp water sloshed, the resident gators swam as far away as they could with their tails between their legs.

Alastor's hair and coattails flew back, his monocle was knocked off his face, but his feet remained firmly rooted to the spot. His eyes were wide and unblinking as they watched the screaming bat flap her wings and rise into the air like a banshee summoning Death.

Then her screech faded away and she tucked in her knees, curling herself into a ball in midair. She snarled and squeaked, pulling at her hair and clawing at her scalp. She seemed keener on destroying herself than the nearest living being.

Without taking his gaze off her, Alastor replaced his monocle. He moved it outward and inward like a microscope lens, taking in every detail of the creature before him. His eyes gave off a faint glow, almost as dangerous as the one before.

"Oh, Tina, darling," he said breathlessly.

The bat snapped her black eyes onto Alastor, as if just realized he was there. But he showed no fear as he sized her up once more.

"You are _beautiful_."

The creature swooped down and tackled him, screeching at a lower but still painful volume for the ears. But Alastor was used to high-pitched noises, given the constant static that surrounded him. She pinned him to the ground, her claws piercing his shoulders, her knees digging into his hips.

Yet Alastor made no effort to fight back. As he gazed up at the snarling beast, his ears fell flat against his head. Like a prey yielding to a predator.

The effect this form of hers had on him was overwhelming. A sensation he was unfamiliar with. He didn't care if she devoured him right then and there, so long as he could continue watching this gorgeous display of raw, animal ferocity.

Then she let out another sonic screech and Alastor was reminded of his task.

"As captivating as you are this way, dearest," he said, raising a hand to her face, "you really need to get your bearings."

The monstrous bat shut her mouth. She blinked her black eyes, caught off-guard by the non-threatening touch. Alastor chuckled, wondering how she would react if he were to do something really daring. Like kiss her. Of course, that was an absurd thought.

"Take deep breaths." He lifted his other hand to fully cup her face. "In through your nose, out through your mouth."

Tina seemed to be coming to her senses as she closed her eyes and obeyed his instructions.

"You're raging. That's good. Your rage makes you stronger. Now, you must focus that rage." He brought her head down, pressing her forehead to his. "Stop fighting against it. Let it flow through your veins. Into your organs, into your muscles, into your brain."

He dragged his hands down to her neck, then her shoulders, then her arms. "Don't let the anger control you. _You_ control the anger. Now that you have it, use it to your advantage."

The claws eased out of his shoulders. Alastor took the opportunity to sit up, redirecting Tina so that they were both on their knees. His hands were now at her wrists, holding her steady as her features shrank back to their normal state.

When Tina next opened her eyes, they held purple irises once more.

"Do you remember anything?" Alastor asked.

She looked down at his hands holding hers, and blushed. "A little."

He leaned forward. "How did it feel?"

Tina put a hand to her head. "Like…I was a different person. Angrier." She pulled her hand away to examine her retracted claws. "Stronger."

"You were flying."

Her eyes widened. "But Husk and I only just started flying lessons!"

"That's what transforming can do to your body." He licked his finger and smoothed out her hair, which stood up in all directions. "It'll become easier over time, with practice. Soon you'll be able to transform at will."

"But what am I supposed to do in the meantime?" She pushed his hand away. "Unless ya follow me around everywhere, there's no way you can protect me all the time."

"Oh?" He put a hand over his heart. "And I thought you appreciated my company!"

Tina rolled her eyes. "I may be your wife, but I gotta have _some_ time to myself, don't I? Ya know, other than bath and bedtime. And I'm sure _you'd_ like some time alone too. Or do ya expect to have me glued to your hip everywhere ya go?"

"Hmm." Alastor rubbed his chin. "Give me your engagement ring."

Tina held up her left hand that bore the ruby ring. He took her hand and brought his own finger to his mouth. He bit down on it, drawing blood.

She gasped. "Al, what the Hell?"

"Hush now," Alastor said, holding the bloody finger over her ring. "And stay still."

He then muttered some words in a language she didn't know. Blood dripped from his finger and onto the ruby, sizzling on its surface like acid. A glowing Vodou symbol Tina couldn't identify appeared on the gem for a moment. Then it faded away, leaving no visible trace of blood.

"Did ya just curse my ring?"

"More of a charm than a curse," Alastor explained. "If ever you need me, turn this ring around your finger three times. I will be alerted of your location, and come directly to you."

Tina smirked. "Do I get three wishes too?"

He chuckled. "I'm a demon, not a genie."

"What if you're busy? And ya can't come right away?"

Alastor locked eyes with her as he raised her hand to his lips. "I made a vow to protect my wife at all costs."

She was worried he was going to kiss her hand, but his lips stopped at the ruby.

"I will _never_ be too busy for you."

* * *

They hadn't needed romance back then. There was no word to describe their relationship. None that Tina knew, anyway. They had simply been two friends who happened to be married. If only they hadn't allowed that to change. Then maybe she wouldn't be sitting alone at this piano right now.

Tina imagined Alastor coming up behind her, snaking his arms around her middle like he used to do while she played piano. His chin would rest on her shoulder, the corner of his smile against her cheek. He would somehow manage to swing his legs over the bench, guarding either side of her. Then he'd hum along to whatever tune she was playing if he was familiar with it. Or he'd bury his nose in her hair and inhale.

Or, what would _really_ distract her from her performance, he would plant small kisses on her cheek, neck and shoulder. Her breath hitched at the ghost of his lips. His teeth would just graze against her skin, but he would never dare to leave a mark. She was "too valuable to damage," he would say. He'd make her feel secure, adored, wanted.

Her fingers became shaky, and she soon found she could no longer move them. The music stopped, and the fantasy was shattered. Tina opened her eyes and looked around the ballroom.

Alastor was gone. He'd never been there to begin with.

With a heavy sigh, Tina dropped her elbows onto the keys with a _clang_ and cradled her head. No matter how many lost souls she took under her wing, there was always that nagging feeling of loneliness that could never be satisfied. She'd never connected with anyone the way she had with Alastor. She tried so hard to convince everyone that she was just fine on her own. And she was, business-wise.

But on the inside, she was just a sad, sorry mess wallowing in self-pity, with only memories to keep her company. Which she was willing to accept. Memories were preferable. She couldn't hurt memories. And she sure as Hell didn't deserve the real thing.

* * *

The advantage of having an entire floor to himself was that there was no one in the next room to overhear. The penthouse suite also had a private kitchen Alastor could use for his _special_ meals. He hummed as he chopped the heart into chunks and dropped them in the boiling pot.

On his walk, he'd happened to hear a lady calling for help. Alastor had followed the cry to an alley, where a man had a woman pressed against a wall. Rapists were the lowest of sinners, in Alastor's opinion. To treat a lady with such disrespect was really distasteful, like bad meat.

If Alastor couldn't have Tina's heart, he might as well take another's. After all, that lustful pig hadn't been making any use of it.

It was a great risk to the Radio Demon's plans to be practicing his hobby within the confines of the hotel. Yet there was a pleasant thrill to be murdering in secrecy again. That was one reason he'd grown bored of Hell. All his crimes were allowed, which offered him no challenge. And since everyone knew who he was, he couldn't lure his victims the way he used to. There was no finesse in his methods, no real effort.

Now, by working at the good-natured Princess's hotel, there was not only one, but two challenges. The first was to continue his violent exploits without Charlie or Vaggie finding out. The second was the challenge of winning back his one true soulmate.

Currently, however, Alastor was at a loss with how to proceed with that particular plan. So, he had to take a step back and absorb himself in his other, older obsession.

This was the one part of his life he simply couldn't share with Tina, which made it the perfect distraction from her. When it was just him and his meal. Although, he'd fantasized her many times cooking alongside him, chopping up the meat into little pieces. He even imagined her assisting him in the carving, or, dare he to dream, the hunting.

But no, he could never involve her in this. Tina already regretted so much. She'd taken one life in self-defense, and that had been enough to plague her with night terrors. Alastor couldn't add more sins to her conscience, even if they were already damned. Her morality was stronger than his. If Charlie's silly idea for redemption were possible, which he doubted, Tina would be among the first to ascend with the angels.

Perhaps that was why Alastor had tried to be so good to her. Tina wasn't like his meals. She wasn't an impulsive animal that deserved to be slaughtered. At one point, he'd almost considered her a pet. A creature that provided amusement and comfort, pardoned from the fate of the kitchen. But his respect for her had grown so much since then that he no longer attributed her to an animal in any way. Except as the bat she literally was, of course.

Alastor sighed as he stirred the demon heart stew. This meal was failing to divert his thoughts from his wife so far. It didn't help that he'd acquired this meal while defending a lady's honor. Just as he used to do with Tina. But he hadn't spoken a word to the damsel. Not even checked to see if she was harmed. He'd simply left her in the alley without a second thought.

When Alastor tried to think of what the woman had looked like, he could only picture Tina. On the ground, her leg badly cut, as she had appeared on the night he'd first rescued her. She had offered no thanks, no screams, not even a catatonic look of terror.

Rather, her initial response after witnessing him mangle two ruthless rapists had been to scowl up at him and say, "Were you _followin'_ me?"

Tina was far from a damsel in distress, even if she tended to find herself in distress from time to time. No woman had ever reacted to him casually murdering the way she had. So clever, so bold, so sassy. Not to mention the amount of damage she'd managed to inflict before his intervention. Naturally, they were engaged within the hour.

The kitchen timer went off, snapping Alastor out of his thoughts. He took a spoonful of the stew out to check that the meat was tender, then turned the stove off. As he scooped the stew into a bowl, he continued humming, trying to place where he'd heard that tune before.

Then he remembered. Once again, it had to do with Tina.

After setting the dining table, Alastor went over to his box of records. He thumbed through the them until he found the one marked: _TINA, 5_ _TH_ _ANNIVERSARY_.

He put the record on the gramophone and sat at the table. As the piano instrumental started, Alastor fanned out his napkin and lay it across his lap. He took the first bite of his stew just as Tina's voice came out of the horn:

" _Wise men say  
__Only fools rush in  
__But I can't help fallin' in love with you_."

Every year on their wedding anniversary, Alastor would gift Tina with a pair of shoes, and she would record a song on the piano for him, one that had been written after his time. But their fifth anniversary had been special. The first one they'd shared as a true married couple. So that year, Tina had made a more romantic selection, by that Elvis fellow who had apparently been a big deal during her lifetime.

Of course, it would be _this_ song stuck in Alastor's head now.

" _Shall I stay?  
__Would it be a sin  
__If I can't help fallin' in love with you?_ "

Alastor closed his eyes, reconstructing that day in his mind. Tina sitting at the piano, no sheet music in front of her. Her luminous eyes occasionally glancing his way, filled with shyness and unconditional adoration. It had only been a few weeks since they'd confessed their feelings for each other. Although Alastor hadn't felt the least bit nervous in that moment. Not when she was singing her heart out for him.

" _Like a river flows  
__Surely to the sea,_  
_Darlin', so it goes,  
__Some things are meant to be._

" _Take m-y h-hand…_ "

Alastor's smile widened as Tina's voice became shaky. This had been when he'd snuck behind her, pulling her into a comfortable embrace.

" _Take my wh-whole l-life too_."

He sighed at the memory of her back pressed up against his chest, the lavender scent of her hair tickling his nose, the warmth of her cheek. He'd caught her off-guard, but being the determined little musician that she was, she'd kept going.

" _For I can't help fallin' in l-love with you_."

The song was finished, but the record wasn't.

" _I can't help falling in love with you either, darling_ ," said past Alastor.

" _Al!_ " Tina said in a half-scream, half-laugh. " _Stop lickin' my neck, ya weirdo!_ "

" _How can I stop when you're so_ delicious _?_ "

Tina scoffed. " _What, ya plannin' on eatin' me now?_ "

" _Hmm. Not today._ "

Then came Tina's adorable, squeaky laugh. " _Keep talkin' like that and the only piece of me you'll be gettin' is my fist in your face!_ "

The present-day Alastor chuckled along with past Alastor.

" _Wait. That thing still recordin'? Al, I can't believe ya—_ "

The recording cut off and the Radio Demon opened his eyes. The table he sat at was long, enough chairs for eight people. Yet he only thought of the empty chair to his right, and who he wished would fill it.

He put down his spoon, his appetite gone. Then he sipped his wine glass, filled with a dark red liquid that wasn't wine.

Alastor had tried everything he could think of to regain Tina's favor. He'd cooked her favorite foods. He'd left gifts at her door every morning, from flowers to dresses to jewels to records of her favorite artists. He'd even gone so far as to be courteous to her employees. Most of the time.

She hadn't ignored his efforts. She'd eaten the food, accepted the gifts, and acknowledged his cooperation. But all this had done nothing to change her animosity towards him.

What was there left to do? Alastor was acting no different from when they were living together. It couldn't be an apology Tina was after, because he had nothing to apologize for.

He wished the Princess and that pesky moth hadn't gotten involved today. The nerve of those two, asking such personal questions! Why did anyone else need to know what had caused Alastor and Tina's marriage to fall apart? Although he didn't think he'd been at fault, he had no desire to slander his beloved. No, he would never do what that pig-headed agent had done and sabotage her reputation. Alastor cared about her too much to enact some petty revenge.

Any other man would've given up after ten years of scorn. But how could the Radio Demon give up on the one person who made him feel anything close to real affection? His afterlife was so mundane and aimless without his wife. He needed her to be his anchor, his muse, his partner in every way possible. Perhaps Tina was doing fine on her own, but Alastor certainly wasn't.

He didn't know how long he had been silently brooding. He initially didn't notice the pattering of rain on the windows, or the lightning flashing, or the thunder rolling in the distance.

Until he was awakened by a mighty _crash_ , light flooding the room. Alastor sat up and finally looked outside. It was pouring like a monsoon. The short time between the lightning and thunder indicated that the storm was right on top of the hotel. It was so loud that it was bound to wake up the hotel's residents.

But Alastor's concern was for but one person in particular. "Tina."

In a fearful frenzy, he quickly stood up, knocking over his seat, and teleported out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have to up the rating, as the next chapter's going to be a bit gorier. Also, the flashbacks will not necessarily be in order, so let me know if it's unclear when they take place.


End file.
